Auditions
Matthew, barely noting that it was a girl, sidled past her as quickly as possible without looking at her. Had he looked he could hardly have failed to notice the tense rigidity and expectation of her attitude and expression. She was sitting there waiting for something or somebody and, since sitting there waiting was the only thing to do just then, she sat and waited with all her might and main.
Have you read Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery? Anne is brought over to the Cuthberts from the orphan asylum because they need a boy to help around the farm. Only there’s been a mistake and instead of a boy they get Anne. When I was a little girl and read this book I couldn’t believe that anyone could treat a child like that. Seemed inhumane. I mean, really, bring a kid in on a trial basis (90 days same as cash!) and then send them back?
Then again, older child adoption is hard and sometimes children return to foster care or adoptions are disrupted so it might make more sense to let everyone test the new situation before making a commitment. That’s how our foster care system (sometimes) works and just maybe we could apply it to international adoption — let kids come to the states on a trial basis. Let ‘em give family life in the hectic US of A the old college try and see if they make the cut.
Look around and you’ll find plenty of heart-wrenching> or feel-good stories about hosting programs for adoptable children (mostly from Eastern Europe). Host an orphan, give him (or her) a try-out and who knows? You might just fall in love. And according to one of the major programs, it does work.
The children travel to the United States accompanied by an escort from the orphanage. Host families meet the kids at the airport and take them home to live as part of their family for six weeks. While the children are in the U.S., they attend local day camps with American kids and also participate in cultural and enrichment activities. Host families provide the opportunity to experience family life to children who would otherwise never get that chance. Secondly, Americans get a chance to meet the faceless children they often read about. And third, these children find families or organizations that will provide support to them after the camp program is over, giving each participant a chance to have a more secure future. We have found that during the process, miracles happen and many children are adopted by American families they meet during the Summer Miracles program. Over the last five years, more than 1,000 children have participated in the program, and more than 90% of them found permanent families as a result of their participation.
90%!!! Of older kids who might never find homes! But what’s it like for those kids to hang out for six weeks? Pins and needles, hope and dread — what’s it like to feast on strawberry jell-o and Sponge Bob and new clothes from Target and know you might go home? What’s it like to think about your friends back at the orphange who might never get here? How can you be both homesick and grateful while living with strangers who are trying to decide whether or not you’ll fit with their family? And what of those 90% who stay and the 10% who leave? What are the long-term consequences for these kids?
The hosting grown-ups get some training but it’s doubtful that the children get much prep at all.
As the orphans ranging in age from 8 to 12 deplaned, one little boy was wheeled off the aircraft in a stretcher. He’d been vomiting for most of the flight, so his body was dehydrated. Not only had the children flown for the first time, but their teachers also told them that the Americans would use them as organ donors.It seems a likely conclusion for the Kazakh people; the country’s per capita gross national product is $5,000, seven times less than that of the United States. Kazakh parents can barely afford to feed their one or two children, so they can’t comprehend how Americans could add orphans to their families. And so they assume that the Americans are harvesting organs.
These are older kids. They have more history, more memories. We know that adoptive parents sometimes make the mistake of believing the littlest children are blank slates, but big kids, too? Listen up:
“I keep thinking he’ll be thin,” Darcel said. “But I know he’ll have a big grin.”
–all from Families Found and Lost (this article is a kick to the gut for a lot of reasons)
I just don’t know what to do with my ooky feeling around this. It gets kids home but at what cost? Is this the best way to do it? If not, what’s the better way?
First, let me suggest some reasons NOT to adopt an older child. My own belief is that it’s not the best idea to consider an older child out of a desire to “save” a needy little person. I’m sure all of us are altruistic to at least some extent. But I think it’s just human that if we intend to “save” someone, we will eventually expect him or her to be grateful for having been “saved.” Kids, understandably enough, tend not to think of themselves as needing “saving,” however. Our H., who came home to us at age 11, had a life in Da Nang that made her happy. She had friends, she was going to school, the orphanage was well-run, and although she had no possessions or expectations about future schooling or a career, that just wasn’t a big deal for her. She’s happy here, and we’re happy to be with her, but it would really be unrealistic if I were to expect her to be anything other than a normal, self-concerned child, who can get just as grumpy toward her parents as her siblings can. The vision of Cosette in “Les Mis” is totally compelling, when she sings about her dream of a loving mom and a good home, but it is an adult’s vision, not a child’s.
I’d like to see some long-term outcomes in these programs. Would the resources be better spent another way? Instead of raising $20,000 to bring a child here would it make more sense to create more programs sending $20,000 there? I don’t know — I know very little about international adoption and very little about the success or failures of outreach programs that stay in-country in Eastern Europe. I just don’t know. But I feel for these kids on our modern version of the Orphan Trains. I really don’t know what to think.
Okay, my comment was going to be so long that I have decided it is a post!
Thanks!
I can see both sides of this really. I also see it similiar to “adoption fairs” on the foster care side..where they bring approved adoptive families and kids who need homes together for a picnic or something. Most of the kids are older and they know what they are there for. Does it help find families for kids? Sure. Does it do damage to those who don’t find families? I am sure of that too.
Hm yeah. I share your unease. Adoption “fairs” or hosting programmes are not done here in Europe at all - might it possibly be a Hague issue? I.e. will the US have to stop them once they’ve ratified Hague?
I see that the camps help older children find families (are they asked whether they’re interested in overseas adoption?) but at the same time I find the idea uncomfortable. I don’t think I’d consider taking part in a hosting programme as a prospective adopter.
And the disruption issue? That’s unknown over here, but I don’t know whether it is just a hidden issue or really non-existent. All I know about it is social worker talk about more thorough, “Hague compatible” home studies and prep courses for prospective adopters in Europe.
I have had close friends adopt two older children, two sisters. They first met for dinner at a restaurant, and that went well, so they came for a weekend, then stayed for a week. All along the way it was totally clear that it was a MUTUAL “try-out” period, and if at any time the kids didn’t feel comfortable, they wouldn’t go further. It took over a year of living together but ultimately the girls decided they DID want to be adopted by this family, and they are now, four years later, doing beautifully together. But it never felt like the family was there approving the girls; it was very much a mutual decision. And it took nearly a year for the girls to move from foster to adopt decision, and the parents patiently waited for them.
I think photolistings are one thing, because parents can find out about kids without the kids being aware of it, but these picnics and fairs where some kids are being gushed over and others ignored — I can’t imagine how painful.
Even if it was only 1% that never found perm placement, I find that too high. That child has now been “rejected”, at the minimum, twice.
Unfortunately, even couples who adopt “outright” end up realizing they’ve made a mistake and have term’d parental rights domestically.
Either way, even though those numbers are obscenely low, they are just that, obscene.
What upsets me is that, often, hosting parents don’t have to have a homestudy. I’m not sure what kind of screening is involved, but there it is.
The kids, I’ve heard, aren’t told that they might be adopted by their host parents, but come on. They’re not stupid.
I don’t agree with this type of program to promote international adoption. Too little prep or oversight. kids with attachment issues from living in orphanages and little facilitation re living with a family. A few weeks is too short a time and must be hard to adjust to.
However, also not similar to orphan trains where social service people encouraged poor urbanites to give up their kids at least temporarily. The kids in these programs are already in orphanages.
OMG organ donations……. Jeeze …… Can we just stop THAT part…….. I mean lets just stop the fear of being killed by us and taken apart into little peices…… I mean we got to start improvements somewhere and I vote for that. As for the rest of what you are talking about. I am not morally apposed to international adoptions……. really I am not but it seems to me when are system is SO broken here and we are nation at war….. I wonder by what right do we have to bring more children here? Can we just start by fixing our system of socialized care for kids that are in need and then focas on how to care for everyone else? Not that I am opposed to a family deciding to go to another country and try for a child there, I am so not, but I would REALLY really like to see our money, education, and care flow into the system with our own countries frist. So that we can say to ourselves, when a childs hard luck ends him/her up into the system he will not be lost, misplaced, abused more, but instead will have a team of highly trained people caring what happens to him/her and is working to ensure that his mental and physcial well being is taken care of.
I’m kind of with Achromic here. There are like 500,000 kids in foster care in the US. Not all of them are available for adoption, granted, but many are and it would cost a lot less money, then that money could be used for some other positive purpose, even if it is gettnig the best psycological care for the child you adopt so they might be able to live a great life.