Comments on: Hasenpfeffer asked http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/ dawn friedman's blog Sat, 22 Nov 2008 10:59:21 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: lucy http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13706 lucy Mon, 11 Dec 2006 15:15:59 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13706 I'm a 29-year-old adoptee who is only just beginning to acknowledge what happened to me. Reading about the way you are raising your daughter is inspirational and strangely comforting, and I hope your writing will be given to potential adoptive parents so that they can have an understanding of specific needs their child may have. I know that my mom would have found it so helpful, and I'm sure she would have been inspired and comforted too, but sadly things were different in those days. Anyway, keep on keeping on, you rock. I’m a 29-year-old adoptee who is only just beginning to acknowledge what happened to me. Reading about the way you are raising your daughter is inspirational and strangely comforting, and I hope your writing will be given to potential adoptive parents so that they can have an understanding of specific needs their child may have. I know that my mom would have found it so helpful, and I’m sure she would have been inspired and comforted too, but sadly things were different in those days. Anyway, keep on keeping on, you rock.

]]> By: this woman’s work / Primal Wound and surrogacy http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13705 this woman’s work / Primal Wound and surrogacy Thu, 31 Aug 2006 01:26:34 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13705 [...] Remember when we were talking about it? Well, someone surfed into my site using google’s blog search and looking for primal wound and this is one of the sites on the front page: Umbilicly_Challenged: On Surrogacy and the Primal Wound [...] [...] Remember when we were talking about it? Well, someone surfed into my site using google’s blog search and looking for primal wound and this is one of the sites on the front page: Umbilicly_Challenged: On Surrogacy and the Primal Wound [...]

]]> By: Sarah http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13704 Sarah Fri, 25 Aug 2006 02:33:35 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13704 I recently read "The Primal Wound" and found it to be both frightening and enlightening. I agree with the concept that there is a huge loss at a primal level and that this loss must be properly grieved by the adopted child in order for it to be successfully integrated into his or her life, but I don't see it as the gloom and doom, disastrous, wholly NEGATIVE event that the author portrays it to be. There are many "primal wounds" a human being can experience. There is the primal wound of incest and molestation, being born addicted to crack or alcohol, the primal wound of being born to and living with a mother who did NOT want to have the child. The list is endless and the wounds equally as deep, although qualitatively different. I don't see adoption as nearly as devastating as what many other children experience at the hands of their "real" parents. I agree with Dawn that being adopted is not a hopeless state of being for which little can be done to assimilate the experience in a postive manner. People have been experiencing and surviving and thriving with primal wounds since the beginning of time. Yes, in adoption there is tremendous loss and sadness for all parties of the adoption triad, but there is also tremendous joy and happiness and celebration. God's hands are all over adoption. For all the members of the triad, there can be peace and harmony if we can be open and honest and put the child's needs first and foremost. I feel deeply for birth mothers, but adoption IS a choice they made. Just as abortion is a choice. No one can force a mother to "give away" her child. Anyway, of course I have these opinions. I'm an adoptive mother with a beautiful daughter, who is at times sad and grieving the loss of her birth mother and who at most times is a proud, happy, little girl who loves her mom and dad and is thrilled to be alive!! I recently read “The Primal Wound” and found it to be both frightening and enlightening. I agree with the concept that there is a huge loss at a primal level and that this loss must be properly grieved by the adopted child in order for it to be successfully integrated into his or her life, but I don’t see it as the gloom and doom, disastrous, wholly NEGATIVE event that the author portrays it to be. There are many “primal wounds” a human being can experience. There is the primal wound of incest and molestation, being born addicted to crack or alcohol, the primal wound of being born to and living with a mother who did NOT want to have the child. The list is endless and the wounds equally as deep, although qualitatively different. I don’t see adoption as nearly as devastating as what many other children experience at the hands of their “real” parents. I agree with Dawn that being adopted is not a hopeless state of being for which little can be done to assimilate the experience in a postive manner. People have been experiencing and surviving and thriving with primal wounds since the beginning of time. Yes, in adoption there is tremendous loss and sadness for all parties of the adoption triad, but there is also tremendous joy and happiness and celebration. God’s hands are all over adoption. For all the members of the triad, there can be peace and harmony if we can be open and honest and put the child’s needs first and foremost. I feel deeply for birth mothers, but adoption IS a choice they made. Just as abortion is a choice. No one can force a mother to “give away” her child. Anyway, of course I have these opinions. I’m an adoptive mother with a beautiful daughter, who is at times sad and grieving the loss of her birth mother and who at most times is a proud, happy, little girl who loves her mom and dad and is thrilled to be alive!!

]]> By: Jody http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13703 Jody Sun, 23 Jul 2006 23:06:55 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13703 Getupgrrl -- who used a gestational surrogate -- actually wrote about this two or three times, including after the birth of her son, but she went off-line before really fleshing out her ideas. She was insistent both that her newborn son did experience a primal loss after his birth, because he had spent nine months learning his gestational surrogate's voice, smell, heartbeat, etc., AND that she was his mother for reasons other than her (and her husband's) genetic ties to him. I wanted her to write a lot more about it, but she didn't. Getupgrrl — who used a gestational surrogate — actually wrote about this two or three times, including after the birth of her son, but she went off-line before really fleshing out her ideas. She was insistent both that her newborn son did experience a primal loss after his birth, because he had spent nine months learning his gestational surrogate’s voice, smell, heartbeat, etc., AND that she was his mother for reasons other than her (and her husband’s) genetic ties to him. I wanted her to write a lot more about it, but she didn’t.

]]> By: Jessica http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13702 Jessica Sun, 23 Jul 2006 18:23:13 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/07/23/hasenpfeffer-asked/#comment-13702 Thanks, Dawn, for such a thorough answer! The reason I asked is that on reading the Verrier article you linked to much seemed to focus on the connection formed between first mother/baby during the pregnancy and immediately after birth. This, of course, would not at all be different in a surrogate situation, since a baby has no knowledge of DNA. Thus, they should also have the same loss/grief issues that she describes, if her concept is true. The link to 'son of surrogate' is interesting, but not quite the scenario I mean, since he seems to be biologically related to his surrogate mother and his "adoptive" father. I was thinking of a scenario where the surragate shares no DNA with the child she carries. I guess we'll have to wait for more research to emerge .... And for the record, I am also very optimistic about Madison, Jessica and you. Adoption IS a challenge, and like most challenges in life, it's about what you make of them. Thanks, Dawn, for such a thorough answer! The reason I asked is that on reading the Verrier article you linked to much seemed to focus on the connection formed between first mother/baby during the pregnancy and immediately after birth. This, of course, would not at all be different in a surrogate situation, since a baby has no knowledge of DNA. Thus, they should also have the same loss/grief issues that she describes, if her concept is true.

The link to ’son of surrogate’ is interesting, but not quite the scenario I mean, since he seems to be biologically related to his surrogate mother and his “adoptive” father. I was thinking of a scenario where the surragate shares no DNA with the child she carries. I guess we’ll have to wait for more research to emerge ….

And for the record, I am also very optimistic about Madison, Jessica and you. Adoption IS a challenge, and like most challenges in life, it’s about what you make of them.

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