I’ll do mix tape tomorrow
How lazy am I?
I know a bunch of zillions of people are coming in on the Primal Wound at Our House entry and wanted to elaborate on it.
Some people are thinking I’m misinterpreting Madison and I might be, sure. I sent orrielynn some links and I’ll share them here, too. You might not find them convincing but that’s ok. You can read them just to know where I’m coming from even if you personally think they’re hooey.
–Birth Scene: Adoption
–The Primal Wound: Legacy of the Adopted Child
They make for tough reading and I rejected them more pre-Madison because it sounded so scary to me. But if you read non-adoption stuff about babies it’s pretty clear that they are primed to bond with the person who carried them for nine months and so it was an easy leap for me to start thinking on what happens when that’s interrupted. Especially when Madison arrived and cried for four months.
Now I’ve never been one for making generalizations about adoptees or any other group of people. Personalities, circumstances, parenting styles, adoption history — they all play into how one person interprets her adoption story versus how another one interprets his. I certainly think that people are resilient and that a primal wound isn’t a death sentence (although those links can make it sound like that). And though I strongly believe that Madison’s colic was tied to her adoption, I don’t think that every time she screws up her face to cry that she’s manifesting some deep-seated sense of loss.
It’s a tricky thing with kids. They are who they are and we often use labels to explain away their uniqueness or to help us to better deal with that uniqueness (we can say a child is ADD as a reason to ignore their behavior or say they’re ADD as a means to get them help, you know?) but the hardest thing about labels is that they also can become something like cages. Madison is a whole enormous personality full of interesting quirks and gifts. She is certainly not Adopted Madison but she is indeed adopted and how she will make sense of this is going to depend on her. I believe the best way to help her integrate her Adopted Self with her Self is to be matter-of-fact about it — not dismissive and not overly dramatic. There is a thin line between saying, “The sum of your behavior is evidence of adoption neurosis” and “You’re sad today because you miss Jessica.” I think (hope) the easiest way to stay on that line is to be matter-of-fact and open — open in what we share and open to what we hear.
But it’s ok if you’re not quite sure whether or not Madison manifested her grief at such a tender age and it’s ok if you’re even quite positive I’ve got it wrong. I’m all right with that. I’m also all right with being sure myself and feeling better (as I hear from adoptees and some other adoptive moms whose kids also evidenced this grief very early) about how we’re handling it. This doesn’t mean that I think every other mom has it wrong because her baby/toddler/child hasn’t demonstrated any grief — kids are different.
Madison (much like her first mom) is passionate but easily bounces. She feels her emotions but is quick to find a way back to joy. I’ve always thought of them both as sunflowers; they are always turning their faces to the sun. With Noah one of my jobs as his mom has been to say, “I know you feel this way but you can also choose not to.” And with Madison so far my job is more about, “You feel this way and you’re allowed to stop for a minute and recognize it.” Even sunflowers should be allowed to grieve.
I always think your views are interesting - and I have no doubt that you know Madison. I’m wondering how it would be in the case of surrogacy … do surrogate children, who share their “adopted” parents’ DNA but their “first mother’s” womb also have a “primal wound”?(I know the terms don’t really apply, but bear with me.) Do those children also percieve themselves as having experienced a great loss? Or is there simply not enough research on it yet?
Even sunflowers should be allowed to grieve. Such a true sentiment. Beautifully put.
The day I welcome a little one in our family, I’ll malke sure to read all of this again. I like how thruthful and real everything you write sounds.
Thank you for sharing it. It is very helpful.