Primal wound at our house
Jul 13, 2006 Adoption
I’m putting this whole thing below the cut for people who want to avoid any discussion about children of adoption missing their first moms. This is a hard one for me to write because I don’t know if I can do it justice.
We spent the day with Jessica today. We hung out at the historical museum and took pictures of the kids jamming at the toy exhibit going on there. On the way to pick Jessica up we passed the restaurant where Brett and I first met her with the social worker and Jessica’s friends. I said, “Hey! Look! That’s where we met Jessica!” and Noah said, “Yeah! That’s it!” I said, “You weren’t there, honey, you were with Gram and Gramps.”
“I was there!” Madison piped up.
“Actually you were there because you were still in Jessica’s uterus the first time we met her.”
Then later when Jessica was in the passenger seat Madison pointed her little finger at her and said, “I was in your uterus!”
This cracked Jessica up (it’s the word “uterus”) and she said, “Yes, you were. You were in there breakdancing!” Then she told Madison about how she (Madison) would be quiet when Jessica was out running around but as soon as she would sit down to rest, Madison would wake up and start kicking around. Noah was laughing, Madison was grinning and Jessica was demonstrating Madison’s in-utero dancemoves.
I had told Jessica earlier how interested Madison was in these kinds of conversations right now and I was glad that they were having this conversation. I have that oversweet “cozy and warm” description and I liked that Jessica is here to give a more complete version right down to the nocturnal breakdancing. It was really nice.
At lunch Jessica and I talked some about the open adoption article I’m writing and talked some about the sibling issue and it was a good, meaty conversation. Then when we were dropping Noah off at my sister’s (playdate with Frankie) we were talking about how adopted kids often yearn for more birth family connection as they head towards their teens and how I was glad that Madison would have that. We were joking about it. I said, “You know how teen girls are about their mothers and you know she’s going to be complaining to you about me and you’re going to say, ‘Madison, that’s just how Dawn is — she is of another generation.’” And we were talking about how Madison could maybe spend chunks of time with Jessica. Like if she moves away (as she might) that she could spend a summer there or something. I mean, this is what I want for Madison — real access whether or not she takes advantage of it. So it’s good when we revisit this, Jessica and I.
Ok, so that sets the stage. Lots and lots of adoption talk. Lots of lots of “Jessica is Madison’s mother” talk. Lots and lots of “Madison was in Jessica’s uterus” talk.
So I dropped Jessica off and Madison was snoring in the backseat. We drove home and she woke up as we pulled into the driveway but she was still woozy.
We got inside and she started to cry. Not unusual — she’s had a busy day and she’s only half-awake — but she was crying hard. She was inconsolable. I’m singing to her, I’m rocking her, I’m making soothing noises and she was sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. I thought to myself, “Wow, I haven’t seen her cry this hard since she was a baby and had colic.” Her face looked just the same. And her posture — belly to belly with me and her head thrown back, then curving her whole body into mine, cheek leaning on my shoulder, eyes squeezed shut. And just as I was thinking that she said, “I want Jessica!”
At first I’m thinking, “Oh it’s because Jessica was gone from the car when she woke up” but I’m also thinking, “No, it’s more than that.” But I was afraid of projecting because I don’t want to treat a skinned knee with major surgery, right? I mean, there’s a big difference between missing Jessica and missing Jessica. So I said, “You woke up and Jessica is gone and you are so sad!” “Yes,” Madison wails. “I want Jessica! Jessica! Jessica!”
“Do you want to call her?” I asked.
“No! No! I want Jessica!”
I thought, what do I do? How do I find out what’s in her little mind without putting something there? And I’m thinking this because when Noah was little and I’d say, “I know you worry about such-and-such…” My mom would say, “He wasn’t worried about any such thing ’til you put it in his head!” And even though I thought then that she was wrong it still made me worry, you know? And this primal wound stuff — it’s controversial and how much do I believe it? But I do believe it and I believe that children — especially around the age of two when they have some language and are still so close the the beginning — remember their births. And I believe that I know my kids and that my instincts are right on. This was all bouncing around in my head and still Madison was sobbing then I thought of a way to talk to her about it; I decided to tell her a story.
“When you were a little tiny baby,” I said and her sobbing quieted but she was still choking on the tears that kept running down her face. “When you were first born you stayed with Jessica in the hospital for three days. And then you came home to us and Madison, you were very sad then. Sometimes you cried a lot. I think it’s because you missed Jessica so much.”
It was like … I wish I could show you the look on her face. The floodgates opened back up but she had such … relief on her face. She was still crying, mind you. She cried for more than 45 minutes.
“It must have been scary for you,” I said. “You didn’t know me. You didn’t know Daddy. You didn’t know Noah. And you missed Jessica. You wondered where she was. I know she missed you, too, you have really missed each other.”
I told her all the things we did to comfort her. How we sang to her and carried her in the sling. How we patted her bottom while we bounced her and walked in circles around the room. I told her how we made that “shh-shh” sound and rubbed her back.
“It made you feel better but sometimes you still miss her so much. Even though you love us, you wish she was here.”
“Yes,” Madison sobbed.
“Sometimes,” I ventured (because what if I had it wrong? my mom’s admonishment sounding in my ears). “You wish you were Jessica’s little baby still and you wish she could be your mommy.”
“Yes,” Madison sobbed again.
I held her while she cried. What more could I do? I told her how much we love her and how it’s natural to sometimes feel so sad about missing Jessica. That when she’s feeling sad or scared that she can come and gets hugs from me or Daddy or from brother. I told her that when she wants to talk to Jessica then we can call her on the phone or ask her to come visit.
After a long time she decided she wanted a popsicle and she sat in my lap and dripped it all over me then she cleaned up by standing on a chair and swishing a lot of water around in the kitchen sink. Then she looked up and said, “Mebbe next time Jessica come over to our house to play. Yeah.”
I think that this came up because of all our talk and then because she wasn’t fully awake it was able to come through from deep in her heart. I hope it’s made it easier for her to bring it up again. I hope it brought it out from her subconscious to a place where she can access it and process it. I need to tell Jessica about it, too, but I need to do it in a way that doesn’t make her feel like absolute shit. Just today she said, “I think she knows who I am. You know, who I am.” And I said that yes, indeed, she does. I’ve always known she does. She just doesn’t have the words quite to explain how she knows and that’s why we talk about it. She absolutely knows in a profound way that Jessica was her very first mother, her primal mother, her (as politically incorrect as this word is) real mother. I’m not denigrating my motherhood, mind you, I’m just saying that she knows exactly who Jessica is and she knows what happened but the rest of it she’s just figuring out.
Can I tell you — I am pretty damn tired.
For those coming in on a link from a bulletin board:
Another entry that might interest you re., the teatime discussion. For this line, “My kids did not lose a family! They gained!” This one’s for you:
Adoption Verbosity
Hope you figure this out for your kid’s sake.
July 13th, 2006 at 11:52 pm
okay, that made me cry like mad. for all three of you.
but i commend you. i think you did more than the right thing.
it couldnt have been easy but doing the right thing rarely is.
July 13th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Dawn, you are incredible. This is amazing to read, thank you for sharing it with us.
July 14th, 2006 at 12:28 am
Yes, yes, you are incredible and amazing and these experiences that you share with us are so profound, if sad and proabaly very difficult to live through. I’m so thankful for all that I have learned and learn all the time reading your blog and I hope that many, even more people who are involved with adoption get to read you and learn too. and I’m wiping my tears now, of course…
Oh, thank you so much for the Mix tape. I knew only a few of the songs and didn’t know most interpreters - I think I’ll definitely buy some of those cds. I love what you wrote about every single song. I’m sorry I only got to listen to all of it today, I’ll try to enjoy it as much as possible until Monday (that’s when you’ll take them down, right?). I save it all in a word document so I still have the names of the songs and your comments
July 14th, 2006 at 12:29 am
Hi! I found you through Suz’s journal, and you are an amazing and strong mother. Thank you for sharing it, thank you for being the mother that you are.
As an adult reunited adoptee, just thank you.
kristen
July 14th, 2006 at 1:29 am
Dawn, as another adoptee, I have to say that I stand in awe at your courage to withstand and to articulate, and to help your daughter articulate, what I think about maybe 5% of adoptive parents have the heart and guts to do. No wonder you’re exhausted, and wrung out. But I have to reiterate that you are doing the right thing, for all three of you, and I can’t tell you what a GIFT this emotional honesty is for your child. It will come back to you tenfold, I swear.
July 14th, 2006 at 1:35 am
Simply put, you amaze me. Madison has incredible mothers. I really can’t put into words how impressed I am with your ability to put her emotional needs before yours. I’m quite sure that someday she’ll be impressed too!
July 14th, 2006 at 3:30 am
If you were a little girl like Madison we could all give YOU a big hug, because you deserve one. You must feel drained. But you did, as they say around here, real real good. You handled that beautifully. And Madison? She’s amazing, given her age.
July 14th, 2006 at 3:40 am
Man. I want a group hug with all three of you.
July 14th, 2006 at 5:38 am
While it was clear Apple adored, absolutely adored Noelle from their “reunion” when Apple was 6 months old, she didn’t really verbalize much until she was around 8. We talked about all the “what ifs” including if she had stayed with Noelle or I had given birth to her. For a couple of years she would bounce back and forth between the two in preference. Now she says she feels the same way Noelle and I do, that all three of us are the people we are because of the adoption, and it would be different if it happened either of the other ways. She likes who she is, so she wouldn’t want to change it. However, she still seems to look for ways to really figure out what this whole thing means to her life and exactly how she and Noelle fit. I think it will take some time and thought. I know my job primarily is to make sure their ties to each other aren’t dropped, and to let them figure out how it will ultimately work without me as part of their relationship.
July 14th, 2006 at 8:03 am
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing this. I decided after meeting Baby R’s grandmother that while we couldn’t physically have her in our lives, I wanted him to know that his mother and his grandmother loved him very much. Each night that I put him to bed we do the “Who loves you” and I always add them.
Big hugs around for everyone. Part of me is afraid of these conversations but I know that I want to handle them openly and honestly with him as he grows up. Thanks for setting an example.
July 14th, 2006 at 9:30 am
Wow, Dawn, I have goose bumps all over - what a heart-wrenchingly fantastic conversation with Madison! You are such an inspiration, you make me think so much about the exciting journey ahead of me. Thank you for sharing this moment!
July 14th, 2006 at 10:26 am
I read it a second time, out loud to DH and couldn’t finish reading because I sobbed so much. It brings up a lot of emotions about the incognito adoption in my family in which I lost my “baby sister” (niece actually). There’s still so much rawness there after almost 20 years.
July 14th, 2006 at 11:59 am
I cried too.
This was beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.
July 14th, 2006 at 1:54 pm
Wow. just…wow. That was beautiful.
You know what really kills me though? How many adopted kids feel this and get no validation whatsoever from anyone in their lives.
July 14th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
I am speechless. Madison and Jessica are so lucky to have you in their lives. I really don’t know how you do it, or if I ever could.
July 14th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
Dawn,
I hav tears in my eyes….you have articulated what I have wondered about in my heart. My kids have never expressed the same things that Madison expressed, but after reading your words, I think the feelings are there deep inside. Sometimes I see little windows…Like when my son said, “I want to visit my birthfather.” And even though I’m not sure at this point that his birthfather WANTS him to visit, I will do my best to make this happen–and to plan a visit soon. I hope I can honor the connections my kids feel to their first parents the way you have for Madison.
Thanks for sharing.
July 15th, 2006 at 12:12 am
Dawn,this is beautiful. And, yes, this level of honesty & vulnerability
is exhausting! I hope you got a Calgon moment later that day. Heck,
I’d fly out, give you a shoulder rub and personally feed you peeled grapes
after that!
I know I’ve said this before: The whole day you’ve relayed
demonstrates the height of what this can be, in all of its
countercultural, messy beauty.
I agree with Kateri. It is so sad that more children are not allowed
this level of validation. It makes my heart literally ache yet again
for what my oldest is going through; so much without necessity … but
I rejoice for Madison.
I’m looking forward to your next article. You are an intrepid soul!
Terri E
July 15th, 2006 at 12:13 am
Ooops. Messy page breaks.
July 15th, 2006 at 1:50 am
My youngest, who is only 15 mos. old, sometimes wakes up sobbing, as if from a nightmare. He is inconsolable, unlike the normal times he wakes up and cries and goes right back to sleep when I go in to him. Sometimes he cries and cries, his heart breaking. I do everything like you said, rocking, singing, shushing, walking him up and down… finally he wakes up fully, allows himself to be comforted, goes back to sleep. None of my other boys ever did this the same way. I always think he is dreaming of his first family and losing them. Maybe it is just regular nightmares, but I don’t think so. He doesn’t have the words yet to tell me, so all I can do is try to be there with him and hold him.
July 15th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
And now from a birthmom… Thank you…
July 17th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I was referred to this post right after my son’s first parents left after their first visit with us (he is 6 months). I noted how obviously he recognized his f-mom’s voice, specifically, and know he remembers her. Thank you, for giving such a beautiful example to learn from. I hope I can be as good a mother.
July 18th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Dawn, this was so amazing to read–wracking, but empowering. I’m grateful that you take the time to write down the exact things that you say to Madison, not just “and then we talked about how Jessica was her mother too.” It makes such an enormous difference in my ability to envision and think both critically and instinctively about theoretical future conversations with my theoretical future children. You had me in tears by the end so I can only imagine how you must feel. Thank you.
July 19th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Wow..Dawn…just wow..
OK you just totally got me crying…sobbing into my coffee.
I read this..knowing where it was going the minute I read :just like the colic:…
and yet still hearing how you handled it, hearing her pain, knowing how it must have hurt you too to hear it even more for her, for you..hats off to you lady…so amazing.
Thank you.
July 19th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
yeah…I cried too. Thank you very much for your writing
this particular piece. It is so important for mothers
who have adopted to speak up and tell of this underside of
adoption when they witness it. Sadly, my gut keeps telling me
that one voice of an adoptive mother heard in the adoption world,
such as yours, is probably equal to about… oh.. 50 or 100 (pick a
number) voices of surrendering mothers.
July 19th, 2006 at 3:58 pm
Wow, this made me cry. Thank you for getting it and thank you for giving so much to your daughter.
July 19th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
If my adopted mother had shown the kind of compassion and insight that you are maybe… adopted children face so many burdens which “regular” kids don’t, in addition to all the challenges of “growing up”. It’s really a blessing to know that there are woman, like you, who are connected and vested in wanting their child to be real and truthful. You are giving such an amazing blessing and gift to your little girl. Bless you. This adoptee was never allowed a voice and forced to ‘pretend’. It’s many, many, many years later and am only now learning to love myself, not trying to be someone else to make the adopted mom love me. Thank you. Your little girl is truly blessed.
July 19th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
Dawn, how moving. It’s not easy to respond to a young child’s sadness in any kid of situation, but you were so graceful in trying to help Madison connect words and feelings and to know that you’re there for her and with her and not getting in the way of her feelings for Jessica. Just beautiful.
July 20th, 2006 at 5:16 am
this is heartwrenching, what adoption does to a child. and the fact is that this pain will never go away for her. is there a chance of giving Jessica back her child? why was Madison taken at 3 days anyway? three days is not long enough for any mother to recover from birth and be able to make a non-coerced informed decision about adoption. she should be fully recovered first, and never pressured by finances or lack of support because that is coercion also.
would you be willing to give Jessica back her child? is there any reason why she deserves to be disembabied? was she an unfit abusive mother at all who deserves to lose her children? from how you describe her, I don’t think she was. and if she is not, then maybe adoption was not a choice. it can never be a “choice” if made during pregnancy anyway, before the mother has a chance to nurture her child after the birth.
Australia has it right, to not allow surrenders to happen until the child is taken home and raised by the mom. and not to let PAPs or adoption social workers approach pregnant women. and to not let mothers pick out adoptive parents until after the surrender paper is signed and final so that knowing them won’t affect her decison, becuase this is emotional coercion too. meeting adopters can do nothing except make a mom feel inadequate to raise her child and make her feel guilty if she keeps her child and disappoints them.
July 20th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
Unbelievably beautiful, touching, poignant, and so much more. My heart aches for your daughter, for her mother - and my selfish self aches for my children and their mothers who haven’t reunited, and also for those who simply don’t want to accept the importance of the relationship between mothers and the children born to them.
Oh, you did this justice in my opinion. Thank you so much for sharing this.
July 21st, 2006 at 11:56 am
I haven’t seen my 20 month old daughter (through an open adoption) display this level of emotion yet. But every visit since we brought home, I notice that she just “knows” her firstmom. While it isn’t easy for me as her adoptive mom to see that innate connection because of my grief and sense of loss, I truly hope that Widget will be able to develop and grow her own relationships with her firstmom with the foundation we created in her younger years.
July 22nd, 2006 at 1:39 am
So sad and beautiful, Dawn.
Our situation is very different, but I do recognize that crying, like my daughter’s, as grief. How blessed Madison is to have you to comfort her - and what an incredible job you did at that.
July 22nd, 2006 at 12:14 pm
i agree that an infant knows whose body she grew inside of. when my sister nephew was two days old, as my sister passed by him his head moved from one side to the other, as she did. frankly, i feel he smelled her. he couldnt see her.
however, at two i am not so sure. i kinda feel, dawn, that madison did pu on what you were saying to her.
July 22nd, 2006 at 7:51 pm
Dawn, like so many others, I’m in tears. As an adoptee who sometimes struggles with the “rightness” of my own feelings, the validation you consistently offer Madison somehow turns into the validation I need to hear from time to time. I love reading your words - that little kid inside of me hears them and hears “it’s ok.” We “both” thank you for that.
July 24th, 2006 at 2:20 am
As usual, I’m filled with respect and a sort of awesome inspiration at your mothering abilities.
Thank you for sharing the particulars of how you go about validating your kids. For sharing your wisdom. Thank you.
July 24th, 2006 at 2:23 am
Oh, and FWIW, I don’t think you put a darn thing in Madison’s head. When my parents know I’m sad, and say “Is it because of X?” or “You must be feeling Y and Z…” …and X, Y, and Z are off the mark… well, I do not get relieved, I do not cry harder, i get ANNOYED and quieter and pull back. My guess is that’s a pretty common reaction to being misunderstood. So if you had gotten it wrong, well… I just don’t think you would have gotten the reaction you did from Madison. JMO.
July 24th, 2006 at 7:17 pm
I too think it is so wonderful and amazing that she was allowed to feel and express her emotions, I’m so glad that you were there for her to be validated and loved.
I must also though, say more, I come from my heart when saying this. When I read the amount of pain that this little person is in and I know that we do this as a nation all the time and call it adoption, it breaks my heart, why would we do this? Why do we ask mothers and babies to suffer and grieve when we could prevent it?
If this little girls mother was killed we would be saying how sad it is and too bad we could not have prevented her death. But since its an adoption we just expect them to learn to deal with it. I feel so sad.
I dont know your whole story, I dont read much, not because I am not interested but because its painful for me to read.
MSP
July 30th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
I want to reply to Angela’s comment, I don’t think Jessica would take her back, I think Jessica needed to have Madison grow up elsewhere for reasons that I don’t know. I also agree that adoption is not really a “choice” but in this case from what I have read I think as painful as it must have been for Jessica she did what she felt she had to do at the time. She chose wisely by choosing Dawn. I also wish she was raising Madison and at the same time think that Dawn is a wonderful mother.
I lost my daughter to adoption in Australia and am so glad they have made the changes they have and agree with you that it would be a good thing if America learnt to follow Australia’s example.
Dawn, you really show such spiritual power and trust in truth and understand validation. I am again so relieved that you exist.
August 10th, 2006 at 7:34 am
Thank you so much for sharing that story - and validating for us adoptees that indeed, we did/do miss our birth moms from little on. I give you so much credit and admiration for being so open to your little girls’ pain and really listening to her little heart. That is a real gift you gave her. You must have a huge heart yourself to allow her feelings to be okay - and you kept going! Bless your heart.
August 24th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
I\’m an adoptive mother trying desperately to help my 8 year old daughter cope with the loss and grief she is experiencing. Her birth mother has chosen to have no contact with us, much against my will, but there is little I can do to change this at this time, other than to pray that she will have a change of heart. I must respond to Angela\’s comments. I don\’t know the circumstances of Madison\’s adoption, but I do know that there are almost 500,000 children in our foster care system today that were put there because their \”real\” parents abused and neglected them. These children were parented after birth and for several years beyond by women and men who cared absolutley nothing for their well-being. These people (to call them parents is an insult to parenthood) have left their children so wounded and scarred that they may never recover. So to say that a child should always be parented by the birthparent before being placed for adoption is a ridiculous and ludicrous assumption and one that automatically assumes that a birth parent is superior to an adoptive parent by virtue of blood alone. What a shame to have such a narrow mind!
August 25th, 2006 at 9:31 pm
[...] I didn’t tell you guys that when I interviewed Sharon Roszia I hit her up for advice (because I love me some free expert advice) and told her about this event because as reassuring as most of your response were, I caught some flak for it (some off blog in forums and things where the post was linked). I mostly don’t really care what people might say about my life but this is a delicate area and getting some thoughts from a therapist working in adoption some years is a good thing. Anyway, she heard me out and she was very reassuring. No, she told me, I wasn’t projecting. Yes, she said, I’d said the right things. Then she finished warmly with, “You are a good mom” and then I, of course, started to sniffle back my tears. Then she said, “But you are leaving yourself out of the equation. She is missing that connection to you, too.” [...]
September 16th, 2006 at 11:21 pm
To Angela…
So you feel “returning” the child to her biological mother would be any less trama for her at this point?
It is clear that while you & I do not understand all the many considerations as to why first mothers chose an adoptive placement, they(the mothers)do. That is not to say it will be without grief & loss but it appears that BOTH mothers (here) are working TOGETHER to put this child first in this respect as well.
October 4th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
I recently have been reunited with my 22 year old child. I wish like crazy he would have grown up with an adotive mother like you. You obviously love your child enough to let her experience a relationship with her birthmother.
God bless you
October 7th, 2006 at 1:58 am
[...] I’ve been meaning to write a follow-up to my (now infamous — at least on some message boards) Primal Wound at Our House post. (Conveniently linked for anyone who missed it.) I wanted to update it because I’ve seen positive changes since it happened and I’m hoping that people will find it encouraging instead of daunting. (I know how daunting it can look before you’re actually in it.) [...]
June 22nd, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Hi there
I think you did great in the way your dealt with your adopted daughter’s distress. Great that you brought it out in the open and made it acceptable for her to talk about and that you gave her space to be able to express her emotions. You are inspiring.
Thanks for sharing
Kate
xx
September 20th, 2007 at 10:46 am
[...] infamous day immortalized in this oft-linked entry primal wound at our house is the only time I’ve expressly put words to Madison’s adoption grief. I haven’t [...]
October 31st, 2007 at 2:17 pm
I don’t get it. I can never relate- I think it’s a load of sentimental twaddle and emotive self-indulgence. I lost both parents to disease young- I was raised by family members- the only thing I yearned for was adulthood and to be finally free of all family. Family, religion and friends are the three trolls that holds one back from achieving their goals. I am now a happily married millionaire with a gorgeous 110lb wife. I support over 100 orphans throughout SE Asia and never once ‘year’ to hold them near.
Grow up, get a backbone and behave like a considerate adult. The world’s not about satisfying YOUR primal desires.
December 16th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
I enjoyed “The primal wound” it taught me alot. I was traditionally adopted as an infant and never knew what it was to be held, nutured, cuddled.. but I was fed, sent to boarding school for nine years which I thought was better than where I was..at 72 I’m still learning why? I pray, go to support groups, talk talk talk.. but you can never fill the emptiness that is left, for me only God can.. and he is teaching me a little at a time. God bless you and your wonderful family. Happy Holidays !!!
June 12th, 2008 at 8:29 am
[...] and acceptance of her adoption story. I know she got it at two (she was about 2 1/4 on this day) and she has struggled mightily but I see that sad day at ballet class as a turning point. Since [...]
June 26th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I am left speachless! I LOVE open adoption in EVERY single way possible. I as a birth mother, first mother, life mother, “real” mother, etc. of only 10 months appreciate stories like this. My adoption with my daughter has turned into the most incredible frienship I have ever known. It almost doesn’t feel like an adoption if that is possible. I know that is partly myself protecting myself. My little girls mother is incredible just like you. Open and loves to see us together. I am also a single mom to an amazing 7yr old. My daughter that I placed only knows her as her sister. I love it. They have so much passion for each other. Elisa always tells me that she could never do me justice and that she is grateful that my daughter KNOWS knows me! A child can never be loved too much. Never. I almost feel scared at times to have the relationship that I do with her family. It seems too good to be true. It feels so good. I love their extended families. They are just as amazing as her mom and dad are. This post is great. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Thank you so much for your unconditional selfless heart. It is so beautiful. Your little girl and Jessicas little girl =) will be an amazing person one day and she already is. She will contribute so much to society. So accepting she will be. ROCK ON with OPEN adoption!
August 27th, 2008 at 1:06 am
I just have to tell you ladies that I know the baby misses the mother, but it’s only an innate baby thing. I found my bio family at the age of 30…(they got married) and I do NOT at all feel close to them, although I thought I missed them for my entire life! I did not miss THEM…it’s just hard to accept being left behind. I am sorry I ever looked them up, frankly. The siblings are nice, but parents are selfish and messed up, which is exactly WHY I was adopted! The biggest surprise of my life was……they are NOT my parents! My parents are my parents and there is absolutely no comparison.
September 13th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I see love here, true, unselfish love.
As a Mom who has recently reunited after 26 years, I can tell you that the grief for the lost family is something very real to a lot of children who are adopted into families. Many are made to feel disloyal and ashamed by their parents for having these feelings.
The right thing is always harder to do and takes so much courage but I believe that Madison, you, and Jessica will all reap the benefits of openly talking and validated the interconnections between you.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. I am encouraged by your honest and heartbreaking example of true love.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 am
Thank you.
I found this site after my 4th week solid of reading adoption stuff online. I traced my b-mum v recently - and promptly went into a grief meltdown. No idea why. I am 41, own family, happy childhood, fab relationship with my parents, but suddenly I am a complete mess. Talking to a counsellor gave me my first insight into this possibility - I went from birth to a foster-mum, back to birth-mum, to another foster-mum and finally to my Mother and Father. Even admitting there might be this ‘wound’ is deeply upsetting, only thinking it now at my age, and the thought of verbalising it to my parents…I grew up not really thinking of my adoption as anything, and just feeling I was where I was meant to be, and still do.
But perhaps if there had been a few more of these conversations, instead of just ‘if you want to trace, we’ll support you’ I might not be in quite the mess I am now.
I have also been through infertility so have real empathy with the struggle, and how those children are so dearly loved, sometimes the thought of them being someone else’s to start with must be too painful to even contemplate. My first was IVF, my second a natural surprise, but that longing for a child stays with me.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:35 am
Oh Nic, I’m thinking of you!!! I hear that reunion stuff brings up so much. I’m glad that you’ve traced your b-mum down and am glad you have a supportive person to help you navigate through the complicated feelings!!!