Here’s an interesting thing
I was told the other day by someone in the know that most women placing a child for adoption in today’s domestic infant adoption world fit one of these three profiles:
1. A single mother who is parenting one or more children and feels another child would put too much strain on her family;
2. A couple who are parenting one or more children and feel another child would put too much strain on their family;
3. A single woman in her teens and early twenties whose parents make her place her child for adoption.
That these are three common scenarios sure seems true in blog-world, eh? But Jessica doesn’t fit any of these three (she is young, she is single, but most of her family was pressuring her to parent with one important person standing behind whatever decision she wanted to make). I think about how our relationship has been relatively smooth and I think this really plays into it. For one, she doesn’t have other children who need her right now and two, to place Madison was truly not a decision anyone made her do so whatever feelings she has about it now, they are likely much less complicated than they would be for a woman who was forced into making an adoption plan.
What was interesting (in the context of yesterday’s discussion with the editor) is that siblings are a part of almost every adoption (international or domestic) but they don’t get talked about all that much. Madison has birth siblings on her paternal side and we don’t and likely will not have access to them, which pains me because I think they — and Madison — deserve to at the very least have some knowledge of each other. And we hope that she will also someday have siblings on her first mom’s side.
Siblings is one of the things the editor would like me to address in the article and I’m looking forward to learning more about it. (Perspectives Press has this book duplicated online for the children of women who are making an adoption plan for a younger sibling. It made me tear up a couple of times.)
It’s a beautiful book, thanks for the link, but I started crying halfway through and didn’t stop until the end…
I think it’s wonderful for you and your family that Jessica and Madison’s story is different from those three profiles and that you have a great relationship with her. Wouldn’t it be great if it could be like that for more people?
Noelle’s story is similar to Jessica’s. She and K were a couple, though not married, but really did not feel ready to parent. Both their families put a lot of pressure on them to parent. They took considerable heat from everyone for choosing adoption.
I really do everything I can to foster a relationship between Mallory and her siblings. They are much younger than she is, by 10 and 12 years. She is proud of them. She enjoys being told how much the youngest looks like her. But I think the fact that she is a teenager gives her a little distance she might not have had if they had been closer to her age. She will admit that she sometimes feels awkward with the whole “Noelle is raising them, but not me” scenerio. But she talks about it and seems to be able to work through it.
That is interesting. Our adoption organization works to place children of color for adoption. When I first came to work for them, I asked who the birthmothers tended to be. The answers were:
1. Teen mothers who were having their second children (or subsequent) children. It seems that many teen mothers were determined to keep their first babies, but then the reality of how challenging it is really hit home after that.
2. Immigrant mothers in their twenties or thirties who came to this country to work (ironically, often as caretakers for other mothers’ children), who have children in their own country, and who become pregnant while here. They can’t tell their families back home, and they can’t work with a child, and well…
It’s hard, no matter what.
We are a clear #1. The sibling thing just breaks my heart, because I don’t think they even know about the birth or adoption. I daydream all the time about the day Nat will be able to meet them. We are lucky to have lots of photos for her in the meantime.
in regards to the first bit, how many of “us” fit this profile? hm? ugh. i could write a novella on the pigeon-holing. i’m not the only one who doesn’t fall under your sources handy little categories.
Dawn,
You’re right about the subject of siblings not being addressed in adoption literature. My kids both have birth-siblings. Eleanor’s birthmom fits the profile of the single mom with kids (she placed two children for adoption). My son’s story is similar to Madison’s. My son’s birth parents were not married and not ready to parent, but it was completely up to them about adoption. Both families were supportive of any decision they made. We have contact with my son’s birthmother and have spent time with her two boys. It just dawned on my son this year (age 11) that the boys were related to him, but he said, “Mom, they don’t feel like my siblings.” I have met all of my daughter’s birth siblings (all older), but Eleanor has not. It will be interesting in the future if we reestablish contact with them.
Food for thought today.
I don’t fit either. My parents and family were confused but supportive of my adoption plans. Most of them told me later that they wanted to tell me to keep her but didn’t feel like it was their place.
I’ve heard that as well. When we were waiting for our daughter, we were told by our counselor that the typical birthparent who places is older - out of her teens - and that teenage birthparents are much more likely to decide to parent, whether or not their parents approve.
Our daughter’s birthmom falls into Category 3, which explains a lot about our relationships with everybody in our daughter’s first family.
i’m always thrilled to be able to say that i wasn’t pressured into my adoption plan by anyone, and am very happy to not fit into any of those categories…