The craziness that is me
I’m a tad moody. Well, no, actually I would say that I am expressive in my moods. Like if I’m happy then I’m singing, I’m dancing my way around the kitchen, I’m fun to be around. If I’m not happy then I’m dragging, I’m apt to growl before speaking and I’m not exactly pleasant to be around.
I often think of Caroline Ingalls and try to channel her gentle spirit but frankly, I bet Caroline Ingalls was no fun to have at a party. And when I’m spitting nails thinking of Caroline just makes me want to spit them at her and she’s not quite the tender inspiration I want her to be.
I don’t mind being moody (expressive) except that it’s hard for the people around me and I know that it’s hard on the kids. Kids are psychic anyway and then I’m not that hard to read. If I’m crying in my coffee because I heard a sad song on the radio (or put a sad song on the stereo so I could cry because crying when you’re blue is such a treat) it made Noah nervous. So then I tried not to cry or play sad songs but that just made me grouchy so I decided that instead I’d have to teach my kids how to live with moody (expressive) me. Especially because Noah, at least, has inherited some of my more colorful tendencies. (Madison is either sunny or rageful, just like her first mom but that ragefulness is sure to be a trial to her and the people who love her.)
I would like to be perfect for my children. I’d like to follow Dr. Phil’s orders and never yell in front of them or at them. I’d like to be in complete control of my emotions and always speak in a modulated tone and practice consistency and patience and then they would grow up and watch I Remember Mama and say to themselves, “Man, that is just totally like my mother. Only without the accent.”
But if I was like that, I wouldn’t be me. And given that I’m me and I’m already a mother, not having had to pass a test (homestudy notwithstanding) to weed out the moody (expressive) mothers I’ve been talking to Brett about being explicit with them. See, it’s not enough for me to say, “Mommy is just off her rocker today, dear, because she read a sad book and it’s making her fearful for the world and so she can’t see you walk across the lawn without bursting into tears because the beautiful things of the world are oh so fragile! But don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Now could you go get Mama another hankie? I’m afraid this one is just a touch too soggy to be any good.” What I (they) need is for someone else to say, “There goes Mommy again; you know how she can be.”
I told him he needs to say this explicitly. He needs to say, “Mommy is short today because she’s worried about work so let’s stay out of her way — you know how she is when she gets like this and I, for one, am tired of being told I’m breathing too loudly when she’s going over edits.” See, he can say this is normal (for Mommy) and it’s not our fault and here’s the coping, which is to roll our eyes and steer clear.
I’m not advocating total insanity but I think sometimes these parenting advice people forget that parents are human and they’re humanity is a good thing because how else will our kids learn about living with other humans? It’s the explicit explanation parts I think we’re missing around here. I say put it all back on Mommy. Heck, that’s what I do with Brett. I don’t belittle his bad moods but I’m frank about it. “That’s Daddy’s deal. Let’s stay out of his way — he’s such a grump today!” For some reason he doesn’t do this and you know why I think he doesn’t? Because nobody talked about feelings in his family and so instead the kids just worried worried worried.
I can’t stop being crazy but hopefully we can cut down on the worrying.
Bert’s parents never fought (at least in front of him). Never. Never seemed to disagree about anything. So for the first ten years we were married, everytime we fought, he thought we were gettinga divorce. Drove me nuts.
Now we don’t have knock down drag outs in front of the kids. But I do think it’s important that they see we do have conflict on occassion, and we deal with it. And it’s not their fault. I think putting the kids in little snow globes where mom and dad never do anything wrong does them and us a disservice.
I was in “I Remember Mama” in high school. I was no Liv Ullman.
I actually do this for them myself. I have been known to say, “Oh, man, is Mommy grumpy! You know how I can get when I’m tired!” After the second time, they now nod and I can see them relax. I also feel (hope) that it’s teaching them to be okay about their moods and not take it all so seriously.
Yeah. I think it’s important to be human within safe and healthy limits. Not only does it teach the kids how to live with people, it keeps them from developing a complex about emotions being bad or expressing them being wrong.
I grew up mostly like Brett and have spent a lot of adult time teaching myself to identify how I feel at any given moment.
I have also been known to apologize to a child for being snappish because it was morning and “Shannon is grouchy in the morning until she has her tea.” Which I think is pretty darn sane and a heck of a lot more than I ever got by way of explanation for anything from my parents.
We’re just reading “The Long Winter” and when we got to the part where one of the songs Pa plays on his fiddle has “even Ma” tapping her feet, I thought, “Thanks for the coded message, Laura.” So, no fun to have at a party, check.
I’ve actually been thinking about blogging about this — so much of my unlikable and unadmirable behavior is due to one thing: fear. I’m scared — mostly because of something the kids are doing or about to do or did– and I manifest that in bad behavior.
I can’t stop being crazy but hopefully we can cut down on the worrying.
Oh Dawn, how I love you! I could have written this post. Except that Guy does “protect” (I hate using that word but in essence that’s what it is, isn’t it?) the children from my moods, so I guess that’s good. I have never given it much thought because I’m usually so wrapped up in my horribleness (slightly joking there) that I rarely take notice. I am getting a LOT better at asking for space/quiet/etc. So, I guess that’s good too.
Thanks for sharing this and making me feel NORMAL. lol