Madison in all her glory
I started an entry that was looking at some nitty-gritty hard stuff about the psychological mess of being Mother to Madison but I deleted it because I’m still much too raw to talk about it just yet. Suffice to say that it’s been a tough two years. Madison’s high needs personality coupled with her fierce independence have been a challenge for me, being prone to mindfucking primal wound theory anyway.
One day when I’m not so raw I’ll write about it but not today.
Anyway what I wanted to say is that somehow I’m honeymooning with Madison these days. Sure she can still drive me crazy but we’ve turned some corner where I feel much more relaxed in all of this. I don’t know what it is and frankly I’m afraid to look too closely at it.
We have been revisiting preschool as an idea for fall. I have mixed feelings about it. I think 2.5 is awfully young for preschool but Madison seems so ready. I also haven’t found the perfect school for her and so will have to settle. I’ve been reluctant to even look around much and now it’s so late in the year that I know some of the schools I would like are already filled. (Procrastination can be a great decision-by-passivity maker.)
We’ve had our loving hecklers lately who have been teasing us about getting Madison (and us) hooked on school and how she’s going to end up at the elementary school across the way. Can I tell you? I fervently hope they’re not right. It would be a grave disappointment to me but I wouldn’t keep a miserable Madison at home either.
Homeschooling is a funny thing. It takes a lot of effort to wrench your family off a beaten path especially when people you like and admire have made such different choices. It’s easy for me to second-guess myself and Brett and I periodically go, “Is this working? How can we tell? Is it a mistake?”
Noah in many ways is easy as pie being that he’s self-motivated and has zero interest in school. “I would be exhausted by spending that much time with other kids,” he says, knowing his own self awfully well at nine. Madison, on the other hand, loves to run around in a crowd.
And you know, her adoration of a busy social life is actually — to me — a big motivator to keep her home. It’s not like school is a day full of chattering fun with friends and even this introverted mother would have no trouble hooking her up with daily activities all week with other kids. (In this town, at least, homeschoolers who want it can get more free or structured time with friends than their schooled-peers rendering that whole “socialization” question moot.)
For chattering, happy Madison I think (I hope) that homeschooling will be just as good as it has been for introverted Noah for different reasons. Noah needs that quiet space away from kids and lots of time to think and play by himself. Madison is overjoyed to play with other kids, which would get her in trouble, I’m sure, in a regulated school day. Seeing as how I don’t much value being able to sit and follow directions, I don’t much care for dampening her social spirit.
It’s been hard lately though. My friends who were committed homeschoolers for a time have mostly sent their kids to school for admirable, thoughtful, loving reasons. I miss them. Because some of them have done so reluctantly or still have some worries/fears about their decision, it feels like homeschooling has to be a very careful topic. In other words, we just don’t talk about it. And so the subtle pressure that every homeschooler gets (along with the crushing pressure) to consider school has increased in my life a bit. That’s been a challenge for me. I miss my friends. I miss their kids. I miss the support I had ready-made.
That’s been on my mind a lot lately.
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