Loaded comments
Mar 12, 2006 Adoption
This is to KrisAnne (her comment is to the entry before this one):
See now, (per your original comment) I KNOW that Madison will have her own take on things and from my perspective, being more open now will better serve her later because she will have more options. If she already has some sort of relationship in place with the maternal side of her birth family, it’ll be a lot easier to figure out how she wants to handle that. Now her birth dad has chosen NOT to be involved and so I feel like I can compare how that feels with how this feels and I’m still going with hip hip hooray, we’re so glad Jessica is here.
I didn’t say that Kim/OnTheFence (or anyone) should have a “happy-dappy” relationship with their child’s other mom (whether they are on the adoptive side or the birth side of things). I’m not really clear where it sounds like I’m saying that. I was defending our open adoption from Kim/OnTheFence’s presumption that she knows more about how our adoption might play out than I do, “I too, think that the relationship Dawn has with Madison’s birthmother is all new. It is real, and it is true for right now. Key words are ‘right now.’” (source)
Really, to me this is kinda like someone looking wryly at a new bride and saying, “Sure, your marriage seems real and true but it’s all new. My husband cheated on me, I know many women whose husbands have cheated on them and your husband may be faithful right now but the key words are “right now.”
Let me be clear — celebrating the way Madison’s adoption is playing out does not mean that I am disparaging anyone who’s adoption is playing out differently.
KrisAnne asked (in part — her whole comment is to the entry before this one):
She sounds so stable that it’s puzzling as to why she wouldn’t give parenting a try. Yet she is able to stay in Madison’s life and be similar to a co-parent. I think your story will be an interesting one to follow over the years. This is an off topic curiosity question: at this point, do you feel that your bond with your biological child is different than your bond with your adopted child? That is one of those age old questions that people always wonder about and I’d like to hear your perspective.
Now to the part of your comment quoted above:
1. I said this in my essay — I won’t get into why Jessica chose Madison to place with us. I can only quote her, “It’s what I needed to do.” Questioning her decision because she seems too “together” to choose adoption comes, I feel, dangerously close to wallowing in stereotypes. She chose it because it was her choice. Period.
2. Jessica is not a co-parent. She’s not here enough to be a co-parent. See, to me parent is a verb description. It’s the doing. It’s the wiping noses, giving baths and cooking breakfast. But Mother means a whole lot of other things. She is absolutely Madison’s mother. But this is terminology and other people might have a different definition of mother and parent, etc.
3. I’m sure our story will be interesting. Whose isn’t? I can’t think of a person out there without an interesting story worth hearing.
4. Is my bond with my two kids different? Yes, for a lot of reasons. It’s tempting to always point to the adoption but these kids have a lot of differences. One’s a boy, one’s a girl. One had a 27-year old new mother, the other had a 34-year old new mother. One had a nervous first-time mom, the other had a more jaded second-time mom. One is introverted and was intensely needy, the other is an exuberant extrovert who was fiercely independent from the get-go. One was all about mommy mommy mommy, the other fell in love with daddy early on and still looks at him with big moony brown eyes.
The intensity of my love for them is the same. My gratitude for them both is the same. I would throw my life down for either of them. And they are both my absolute favorite in totally different ways.
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Tags: essay, introvert, introverted, Madison, my mom, open adoption
Frustrated
Mar 12, 2006 Adoption
One of the nifty things about Salon is that they list the technorati link for their articles at the end of each piece and of course along with checking the letters section daily (soon to be weekly — they have slowed down considerably) I also check the technorati link. First I got to bask in Kim.Kim’s kind words (and let me add that I was on tenterhooks waiting for her response because I have become very very fond of Kim.Kim in the past few months) but then I was reading OnTheFence who thinks I’m naive. (I’m putting the word “naive” into her mouth here but I think it fits.) You’ll have to read the whole entry and the comments if you want to make sure I’m not skewing words here because I’m leaving a bunch out but I’m going to address this part in particular:
I still hold to my belief that open adoption in general is not a good idea. I have seen far too many people hurt, including the children in these relationships.While some would like to believe that birthparents are all gungho and would never bow out of an open adoption agreement, I know way too many situations where this has happened. My belief is not just based on what happened with us, but with the countless others in these relationships…. I too, think that the relationship Dawn has with Madison’s birthmother is all new. It is real, and it is true for right now. Key words are “right now”. Dylan was three years old when his birthmother decided she no longer wanted contact with us. … Also, “struggling” in the beginning of parenting to forge relationships with strangers is not what I think is in the best interests of the children. While there are some successes, I’ve come across more pitfalls, where all members were hurt and small children were left confused.
OK. So first off, she’s right. We’re only about two years into this and it could be we’re all starry-eyed and in limmerance with open adoption and with each other. It might be that when the newness rubs off that Jessica will disappear and we’ll be left bereft and broken-hearted. (Typing broken-hearted reminds me to tell you that I didn’t pick the title for the essay. Just wanted to stick that in there because I’m not crazy about it.) I’ll take that imaginary scenario and tell you why the possibility of Jessica disappearing doesn’t change the way I feel about our open adoption right now.
1. Keeping an adoption more closed because Jessica might disappear someday seems a little bit like not letting Noah ride his bike because he might fall off and really hurt himself. Jessica is here now and this relationship is worth it for its very own immediate self. Whatever happens next, we’ve got these irreplaceable pictures and cherished memories. I would argue that if Jessica is going to disappear that these are even more valuable. Besides, if we didn’t get to see Jessica a whole bunch we wouldn’t know that the way Madison hums her way through the house is exactly the way Jessica does it. And I mean exactly. That’s worth it right there.
2. I know there is potential for hurt here. I know that. I have other adoptive parenting friends whose children’s adoptions are less-open than they hoped or than they anticipated and it grieves them. I know that Madison could be deeply hurt someday if Jessica becomes “too busy” for her. Jessica and Madison are going to have to work out their relationship whatever it is and I have very little control over what will happen for them. What I can do is forge connection now to make it easier for them later. And you know, my dad disappointed me deeply as I headed into my teen years. (Check out the archives. Check out the Raggedy Ann entry.) I’m glad my mom didn’t refuse to have a relationship with him when I was three because he was going to hurt me later. He may be an ass but he’s still my dad. Likewise, whatever Jessica might do later, she’s still Madison’s mom.
3. When OnTheFence says, “Also, ’struggling’ in the beginning of parenting to forge relationships with strangers is not what I think is in the best interests of the children.” For Madison, I think that “struggling” at the beginning of parenting was in her best interest because like I said, the photo ops alone are worth it. And I have to disagree with her word “strangers.” I’ve said this before — adoption makes us kin. I’m not saying that means we should have an instantaneous connection with our children’s first parents or with our children’s adoptive parents but I am saying that we’re all stuck with each other, just like we’re stuck with our own families. Good or bad, we’re stuck with our relatives and we all have to figure out how to work things out with them. Sure “work things out” means different things for different people. I don’t mean that every single adoptive triad needs to have their relationship look exactly the same anymore than I think that every other woman ought to roll her eyes at her dad just because I do. After all, we’re all different people. I’m saying that however things fall into place, we all need to make the best of it for the sake of the child between us. For us, struggling to make sense of our open adoption was part of learning to parent Madison just like struggling to figure out how to make Noah’s latch work was part of learning to parent (and breastfeed) him. Were either easy? No. Were they worth it? Yes.
I’ll tell you, I worried about that with the essay. I worried that it would make people say, “See, having that openness got in the way of Dawn and Madison bonding and so openness is probably a bad idea.” But the struggle was so, so worth it because it helped me see how much I had to gain by honoring Jessica’s motherhood. So many of the open adoption narratives I read were very polkadots and moonbeams with these gorgeous entrustment ceremonies and sunny vacations together where no one ever reached for the salt at the same time. Well, no relationship is that easy. Marriage is hard, too, and fifty percent of them end in divorce; does that mean none of us should get married?
OnTheFence may be right that many many perfectly wonderful open adoptions fall apart but I’m going to continue to use LisaV as my role model. No one can say she’s naive (her daughter is a teenager) so I’m sticking with her.
Finally, I just don’t believe that Jessica will disappear. Yes, she might get busier and she might move away and we might see less of her. But disappear? No. You would have to know Jessica to trust that and most of you reading this don’t so you’ll just have to trust me. Lots of relationships wax and wane; why should Madison and Jessica’s be any different? You know, there was a period of about ten years where my mom barely heard from me and now the poor woman probably weeps when she sees my number come up on caller ID because I talk her to death. Maybe Jessica and Madison will see less of eachother, say, while Madison is in her tween years and then really bond when Madison turns 15. Or 21. I don’t know. We’ll just have to see. Meanwhile I am very very grateful for what we have NOW.
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Tags: adoptive-parenting, essay, Madison, my dad, my mom, Noah, open adoption
Anxiety dreams
Mar 11, 2006 Writing
I had them the day the Salon article went live but I also had a high fever so I was fever dreaming, too. I kept waking myself up talking out loud. Those dreams were about categorizing scads and scads of internet journals, essays and emails. Not surprising. But the night before, when it had just gone live but hadn’t been officially launched (i.e., through their premium member newsletter), I had the usual math dream. You know, the one where I realize I’ve missed all these math classes and am late for the final. That, my friends, is a dream about feeling like a fraud who is about to be found out.
Then last night I woke up realizing I was having fever-less categorization dreams. This, I think, has to do with working on my chapter last night and realizing I had to rewrite the Table of Contents outline and feeling worried about it all again. (Later I dreamt about going to the movies with Becca and that was much nicer. Plus we were driving these motorized yellow three-wheelers that looked like jogging strollers and we got to wear cool leather driving gloves, too.)
Originally I planned to tackle each chapter as a longer feature article for a typical parenting-type mag. But I realized that this wouldn’t be the book I really want to write and I started drawing something up a little more personal and a little bit more complicated. thus the anxiety, I guess. I’m putting this down because I was reading a few blogs where people were wanting to start submitting their writing but were terrified and felt like frauds and the anxiety was ratcheting them through the roof so I wanted to say that I have that, too, and my friends who write books have it and maybe that’s just how it is. In other words, it doesn’t actually mean anything about your talent or ability — it’s just that it’s scary to put yourself out there. No, it’s terrifying to put yourself out there.
I think the reason I had a more simple table of contents before was because it would be easier and thus less threatening and thus less hurtful to get rejections over something that I kept an emotional distance from. But I think the simple version has less of a shot at getting published and if it did get published, I think it would be less useful and so less well-received. I guess I am stuck writing the one I started working on last night and frankly, I don’t see the anxiety dreams ending.
I keep thinking, man, if a simple Salon essay could make me this crazy, how can I handle more success? Who knew that success was harder to live with than failure? I mean, if you have failure then you don’t have to read the letters to the editor (and the ones that were lovely gave me way more anxiety than the ones that were either critical of adoption or were totally off-topic — it’s that fraud fear working again) and you don’t feel greedy for more success thus generating the fear that this simple Salon essay is your apex and that it’s all downhill from there. With failure you can shake your fist and say, “I’ll show them all!” But an acceptance? A new publication that I care about? Dear lord, what if they hate me???
(I used to think that if I just broke Salon that I could die happy — this was 5+ years ago when I first started feeling serious about freelancing — and it turns out not; I want more.)
Writing all of this down makes me feel calmer. Looking at it in black and white it all sounds manageable and just kinda the way things go. You know Philip Seymour Hoffman, who has been public about his acting insecurity, is saying right now, “Oh GOD, how will I follow this up???” But not Reese. You know Reese just got on the phone with her agent and said she expected a raise from here on out. She’s all no-nonsense like that. Not me though. I’m way more Philip-ish.
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Back to work
Mar 10, 2006 Writing
I am outlining my sample chapter right now and in between looking at the first chapers of other similar books to see what I like and what I don’t like. I’m also talking to writer-friends about the differences between a sample chapter and an actual book chapter. Like for a sample of your first chapter, maybe you include more than you would if it really was your first chapter because you want to show more of your book off. Then I’m thinking about the things I want to highlight:
–my writing style/voice
–how I plan to incorporate some of the extras (like if I was going to have the extensive use of graphs — I’m not but say I am — throughout the book, I’d want to find a way to stick one in there)
–A kind of thesis for the book, which in this case will be more of an attitude/point of view than an actual thesis since I’m not arguing anything
I’m glad to have a new project on my laptop. I was suffering from post-essay publication syndrome.
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Tags: essay
Now that we’re at the end of pox
Mar 10, 2006 Parenting
I thought I’d write up how it went for the curious. Frankly when all is said and done, it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I think we got lucky cases of it though. Both kids had a couple of bad days, Madison’s being worse than Noah’s. Noah had a mild fever for two evenings and one day if discomfort but all in all it went pretty easy with him. He only had a week of being broken out and Madison looks to be following his example since she started showing up with them on Saturday and I think by the end of this weekend she’ll be free to mingle with the rest of the world.
Madison did have it worse, which I hear is typical (the first kid to get it usually has a mild case, my mom says, with subsequent children getting it worse). She had one night with a high fever although I’m not sure how high. We rarely take temperatures around here but she was very hot. Her breathing stayed even and she was sleeping fine so we didn’t do any treatment around it. That brings me to another concern with chicken pox and it was something I didn’t find until I dug around. You are NOT supposed to treat chicken pox with any kind of fever-reducers like ibuprofen or Tylenol. Madison is nagging at me so I don’t have time to look up the references but if you are choosing to catch wild chicken pox, I would talk to your doctor about this.
So anyway, one night of high fever and then a low-grade temp the next day. This was right when she was first breaking out.
She had one night of wicked itchiness, which kept her up. We bought Benadryl the next day but she never complained much again so we didn’t end up giving it to her.
Had I to do it over again I would still likely catch them in the wild but in the midst of it when their perfect little faces were breaking out, I would have told you differently. So do what you will with the best information you have.