Comments on: Is open better than semi-open?

By: shannon

shannon — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 02:38:01 +0000

kim.kim.

That’s us, but Nat’s birth mother didn’t work with an agency pre-birth. She just hid the pregnancy, went to the hospital and told a social worker there that she wanted to place the baby for adoption. She asked that they not let her hold the baby because she was afraid it would be too hard to let go. The social worker at the hospital put her in touch with our agency and the first thing they asked her was whether she wanted an open adoption. it is one of two reasons (the other was black adults in the baby’s life) that the agency put our profile on top, even though we’d only been waiting for 4 months.

So Nat was placed with us after her mother signed the relinquishment. We met her two days after that and she held Nat for the first time and we made plans together to have a completely open adoption.

Our agency is very strong in encouraging open adoption.

By: kim.kim

kim.kim — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 20:18:40 +0000

Shannon,
are you the mum that when you met Mama Rose at the hospital she didn’t know she could even have an open adoption? What kind of an agency doesn’t give a mother that information? Was that your blog I read that in?
I think from what you write that you get it, and that you are very respectful to the other mother and I really love that. From a mother who never knew that, I really love it that you do that for the mother of your child. It can only be good for everyone to be loving and respectful.

By: shannon

shannon — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 17:48:18 +0000

I want to reinterate something I said below, that our adoption is 100% open. It is not semi-open just because we don’t have regular contact.

We consider it to be 100% open because we are 100% open to as much contact now or in the future as Rose wants. But Rose gets an equal vote on this and since she wants less contact, her vote ends up shaping the contact.

She knows she is welcome in our family (as is her extended family) and she has all of our contact information and a phone card we paid for. There’s no boundary on our openess (such as X many letters/photos/visits per X many months), just a real relationship between adults with the complexities and differing perspectives and needs of any relationship.

By: cloudscome

cloudscome — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 16:30:48 +0000

“They’ve met her and they have an agreement to send cards and pictures to the mediating agency. …They don’t because they respect Mama Rose and her need for this amount of distance. They don’t use inability/wish to be less present as an excuse to pretend she doesn’t exist. They still honor her and talk about her and acknowledge that she is and will be very important to Nat regardless of how their relationship plays out.”

I hope this will always be my attitude as well. I wonder so much about my son’s first moms, and I want to know them, but they have both chosen to keep their distance so far. All I have to go on is what the agency tells me about them. That requires a lot of trust on my part, and faith in God that we are on the right path, and they are on the right path. Yesterday I read a piece of dragon wisdom: “The path is easy if you avoid turning off it.” Carol Wilkinson in “Dragon Keeper”

By: kim.kim

kim.kim — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 00:19:05 +0000

I don’t really get that meant to be stuff Dawn, and I don’t agree with you.Was my adoption situation meant to be? I know that’s not what you mean by the way and you know that you are my absolute precious.
I think open is better than semi-open. Semi open is just another way of saying semi-closed. Well I don’t think adoption is a good thing anyway but if it has to be done then why not open unless the mother is a true danger to the child? Then find ways to have contact like letters, exchanging videos, you know, let the child have some genetic mirroring, those things matter.
I agree with most of what you say and no doubt have just misunderstood what you meant in this post.
Another thing is I don’t think a lot of adoptive mothers are as brave as you or as ethical, part of your nature that makes your adoption situation so ethical means you are always going to see the best in others too. You are a great role model for adoptive mothers.
Oh and about worrying that J. seeing you before the birth was coercive and therefore Mama Rose may have sufferered less pressure? I felt a lot of pressure about this saintly wonderful couple who were sadly childless when I was pregnant and could make their lives happy. It felt like pressure, like they were good and I was bad, they deserved my child and I didn’t. The attitudes that we still have today create pressure, the idea that adoptive couples will be better for our child. That idea is coercive.
Does this make sense? It’s been a long day so hope it makes sense.