Loaded comments
Mar 12, 2006 Adoption
This is to KrisAnne (her comment is to the entry before this one):
See now, (per your original comment) I KNOW that Madison will have her own take on things and from my perspective, being more open now will better serve her later because she will have more options. If she already has some sort of relationship in place with the maternal side of her birth family, it’ll be a lot easier to figure out how she wants to handle that. Now her birth dad has chosen NOT to be involved and so I feel like I can compare how that feels with how this feels and I’m still going with hip hip hooray, we’re so glad Jessica is here.
I didn’t say that Kim/OnTheFence (or anyone) should have a “happy-dappy” relationship with their child’s other mom (whether they are on the adoptive side or the birth side of things). I’m not really clear where it sounds like I’m saying that. I was defending our open adoption from Kim/OnTheFence’s presumption that she knows more about how our adoption might play out than I do, “I too, think that the relationship Dawn has with Madison’s birthmother is all new. It is real, and it is true for right now. Key words are ‘right now.’” (source)
Really, to me this is kinda like someone looking wryly at a new bride and saying, “Sure, your marriage seems real and true but it’s all new. My husband cheated on me, I know many women whose husbands have cheated on them and your husband may be faithful right now but the key words are “right now.”
Let me be clear — celebrating the way Madison’s adoption is playing out does not mean that I am disparaging anyone who’s adoption is playing out differently.
KrisAnne asked (in part — her whole comment is to the entry before this one):
She sounds so stable that it’s puzzling as to why she wouldn’t give parenting a try. Yet she is able to stay in Madison’s life and be similar to a co-parent. I think your story will be an interesting one to follow over the years. This is an off topic curiosity question: at this point, do you feel that your bond with your biological child is different than your bond with your adopted child? That is one of those age old questions that people always wonder about and I’d like to hear your perspective.
Now to the part of your comment quoted above:
1. I said this in my essay — I won’t get into why Jessica chose Madison to place with us. I can only quote her, “It’s what I needed to do.” Questioning her decision because she seems too “together” to choose adoption comes, I feel, dangerously close to wallowing in stereotypes. She chose it because it was her choice. Period.
2. Jessica is not a co-parent. She’s not here enough to be a co-parent. See, to me parent is a verb description. It’s the doing. It’s the wiping noses, giving baths and cooking breakfast. But Mother means a whole lot of other things. She is absolutely Madison’s mother. But this is terminology and other people might have a different definition of mother and parent, etc.
3. I’m sure our story will be interesting. Whose isn’t? I can’t think of a person out there without an interesting story worth hearing.
4. Is my bond with my two kids different? Yes, for a lot of reasons. It’s tempting to always point to the adoption but these kids have a lot of differences. One’s a boy, one’s a girl. One had a 27-year old new mother, the other had a 34-year old new mother. One had a nervous first-time mom, the other had a more jaded second-time mom. One is introverted and was intensely needy, the other is an exuberant extrovert who was fiercely independent from the get-go. One was all about mommy mommy mommy, the other fell in love with daddy early on and still looks at him with big moony brown eyes.
The intensity of my love for them is the same. My gratitude for them both is the same. I would throw my life down for either of them. And they are both my absolute favorite in totally different ways.
March 12th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
to krisanne, from a birthmom who is similarly very stable but chose adoption despite having certain resources that would have made parenting possible: one thing i didn’t have was a stable relationship. or personal goals (education, for one) that i felt i would have had deep regrets about had i chosen to parent. and dozens of other reasons i felt it would have been unfair to me, to my baby, and to my family.
jonathan is nearly six now, and knows very clearly that though i’m his birthmom, i’m not a co-parent. he told his mom recently that out of his two mamas, she’s his favorite mama, but i’m his favorite friend.
March 12th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
O, my. There is alot of assumption going on. I wish you could have taken my statement for what it was, not as me presuming you didn’t know what you were doing. Open Adoption to me is like an experiment, a gamble, that we just don’t know what will happen next. That is why I made the comments about it being “right now”.
I am sure those of us who started out in “happy” open adoption situations never believed that down the road we would feel like we were stabbed in the stomach and then had some knife twisting to go with it a few years down the road. (and I say this for the birthparents as well who had aparents back out or the agreements)Sure having an open relationship had it rewards, but I believe that overall, the benefits have not outweighed the pain it has caused and will cause my son.
For some, I know the risk is worth taking. The experience is what it is. You used marriage and divorce as an example in your entry — I found that interesting, considering the amount of marriages that do fail, and the amount of marriages entered into under false pretenses and without a clear perception of what the other person is like. All in all, I believe in commitment, love, and family. When someone told me my marriage would fail because I had only known Jeff 6 weeks I was even more determined for it to work. I took a gamble, and it has paid off thus far. However had a innocent child been involved, I’m not so sure I(*me) would have taken such a risk.
March 12th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
I think we all look at experiences through the glasses we have earned through experiences.
Hence, OnTheFence Kim is probably a bit wary, and sees room for concern. I disagree strongly with her declaring open adoption is not a good idea. I think that’s the experiences of people she’s chosen to surround herself with, being as she’s probably not real thrilled to be listening to anyone having a good time. Sort of like so-called “bitter birth moms” (I don’t think they’re bitter! And if they are, it’s with reason!) There are also hordes of women out there grieving over babies they now feel they “killed” after having first trimester abortions by choice and later becoming rabidly anti-abortion by choice.
I think you’re also probably really naked feeling right now, since everyone is all up in your business and it’s all out there on Salon and you can only say so damn much here or there in a few words. No one can get a whole example of a relationship from a 2500 word article nor from reading your blog even.
But, what I do know, is I trust Dawn and Brett to make the best decisions they can with all the information they have for their children. And if I don’t get it (sometimes, I felt like shaking you and saying damn girl, you are Madison’s mom now for whatever reason, get in there and stop feeling guilty about it!
I know there’s something I maybe don’t know because after reading and knowing you for nearly a decade now (yes dear, that long!) I know I feel you are always conscientous and doing nothing lightly or without much (sometimes too much!) thought! 
I went and had coffee with a sobbing birth mom today, who happened to have given my husband up -excuse me, had him virtually stolen, yes, for real- almost three decades ago. She’s going through a lot of stuff that many moms go through earlier. She tried to cut off contact. I explained to her she was part of our family now. And we weren’t going anywhere. I also explained how DH sees being stolen as entirely different from the fact his parents adopted him. She never realized he saw them as two separate events. So she’s not going to run anymore, but she’s hurting. Hard. Her english has improved majorly with a new job she got a few months ago, and I told her I’d send her some net resources. I don’t know if she will ever post something, but I know she’ll read and feel not so very alone anymore.
So, we were really scared there. It could have bombed entirely today. But the risk was worth it. Her bio-step-grandkids (my kids, not DH’s, and FYI we do NOT use that term I am just using it for clarification!) love her and I love her (waaaaay more than my mil but that’s another story) and sometimes it hurts and is scary and confusing… but it’s worth it.
Pardon my comment hogging.
March 12th, 2006 at 9:06 pm
Dawn, thanks for taking the time to expand more on your thoughts. I find it all very interesting. Upon further reflection, I guess I’d have to say that your situation is about as ideal as any I have heard, and I think that’s why it appeals to so many people…it sounds like it was easy, natural, and possible for it to be fully open. In many ways, I’d like to be in your shoes. I love my childrens’ birthmothers very much. One of them holds a very intense bond and connection for me…I believe she is someone who I was meant to be joined to in life, as corny as that sounds. Unfortunately, there are many extenuating circumstances that disallow open adoption with visitation. We basically are doing our best and muddling through. If all birthmothers were like Madison’s birthmother, I suspect you’d see tons more open adoptions.
March 13th, 2006 at 12:59 am
Dawn, You always write such thoughtful and insiteful observations. My mother was always trying to explain how she could love her three children differently and equally at the same time. People never understood that love adapts to fit the people involved. Today she says it with pride, that yes she loved her children differently. We each needed different things, she still does.
March 13th, 2006 at 11:42 am
Dawn,
We’ve never met, but I feel like you are a kindered spirit in my life. You write so well about the issues of loving our children and adoption and about when both issues collide. Your Salon article was bound to stir up feelings for all involved. I believe in open adoption, too. Is it a perfect system? No. Do all relationships (whether bio/adoptive/your own family/friends/pets) ebb and flow? Yes. That’s the way of life.
We all do the best we can. That’s all we can do.
HMBalison
March 13th, 2006 at 11:43 am
Dawn,
We’ve never met, but I feel like you are a kindered spirit in my life. You write so well about the issues of loving our children and adoption and about when both issues collide. Your Salon article was bound to stir up feelings for all involved. I believe in open adoption, too. Is it a perfect system? No. Do all relationships (whether bio/adoptive/your own family/friends/pets) ebb and flow? Yes. That’s the way of life.
We all do the best we can. That’s all we can do.
HMBalison