this woman’s work

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Several comments to the previous post have already got me thinking again.

Katie talks specifically about expectations — whose expectations get to define the relationship? Also, people mean different things when they say “open adoption.” Some “open” adoptions (ones where first names are exchanged and cards/pictures go through an intermediary) are considered semi-open although the possibility of learning about each other more exists. Even many closed adoptions sometimes have more open possibilities if both parties agree. In Katie’s situation it’s not a matter of how open but how much participation is the “right” amount. Katie speaks to balance, “i envision having a good relationship with him (and them) balanced with my job, my friends, the rest of my family, my interests, and my alone time.” It’s an improtant thing to consider.

LisaV makes a good point by writing, “I don’t believe we have the right to ask for more contact than these men are comfortable with. As a matter of fact, I think it could be detrimental to my child to have someone that was a part of their lives only out of obligation, rather than desire.”

FauxClaud writes compellingly about the difficulties of openness when it comes to grieving an adoption. She writes, “While years of NOT knowing were hard, I can also say that I had a good ten years of peace..where the loss of Max was pushed way back into my brain and I just lived. If I imagine seeing pictures every four months and a yearly visit in there…I know that the peaceful years would not have been quite that. The issues and loss would have been ever present and THERE..if I saw it as a loss.”

She also points out that openness can ironically create more dishonesty for some women. This excellent piece by Terri Enbourge gave me a lot to think about early in our adoption journey with J. Enbourge writes:

A pioneer birthmother of Open Adoption uses the description, “puppet on a string,” when referring to her 18-year tenure under the direction of her placed child’s adoptive parents. …

Common themes accompany this sort of loss with regard to Open Adoption, with the primary theme being the birthparent’s silence. In order not to upset the chance contact will continue or may resume after a period of no contact, these mothers become bound and muted to varying degrees. The silence can manifest in fear of speaking out to the adoptive parents, the agency, or to anyone about the betrayal of the agreement, lest daring to do so make matters worse. The binding manifests in the inability to act on their children’s behalf, even when they witness family dynamics that are harmful to their child. Unfortunately, because of the power imbalance in an Open Adoption relationship, this fear is based on a reality which is often realized upon confrontation.

These are all good reminders that openness is not a simple matter. I’d love to hear more from all of you.

I have a question for you all and especially for the first moms who read here. I want this to be a respectful discussion (of course) but I’d like to hear some other points of view.

As you all obviously know, I have a huge bias for open adoption and I think that adoptive parents ought to challenge themselves to open their adoptions up as much as they can. I recognize that very open adoptions don’t work for everyone but I think that the possibility ought to be there so that as the adoptee him or herself grows older they have the means to open things up more if they want to. In other words, if a 9-year old wants to write his first mom, it’d be awfully nice if he had a means to do that.

The sticky part for me is when it’s the first mom who wants a more closed adoption. How does this work then? At what point should (if she should) an adoptive parent push for more openness?

Personally the whole closed adoption, closed birth certificates thing? I can’t get with that. If an adult person wants to know his or her origins, s/he should have access to that period. So I do feel that a first mom’s confidentiality doesn’t usurp the right of a grown person’s birth rights. But I get less sure of my feelings when we’re talking about a minor child and we’re talking about first parent obligations.

A friend of mine was saying that her child’s first mom no longer picks up the pictures and letters that they send to the agency and they aren’t sure where she is or how she is. Do they have the right to track her down? Do they have the obligation? What if ackowledging the adoption would be unsafe for her in some way?

I want to think on this more and I’d like to hear your thoughts, too.

My mother has always reminded me of Rita Moreno in The Electric Company. This has to do with the “Hey, you gu-u-u-u-u-ys!!!!” at the beginning of each episode; it sounds exactly like my mom. Plus my mom is bossy, loud, assertive, smart, and pretty — just like Rita. And she has great legs (although she is taller) — just like Rita.

My mom swears that Electric Company is the reason that all of us learned to read in preschool. (A note here: my mom can never seem to get our ages right for when we started reading and sometimes she shifts ‘em around. Like she’ll say I was three and Erica was four. No, I was four and Erica was three. Wait, somebody was two. Justin was nearly five. Her memoirs would so have to have a disclaimer at the beginning!) She might be right but frankly, I just thought I was having a good time clicking the television on after lunch. I loved that show. I STILL love that show.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when a PR person’s email showed up in my inbox talking about The Electric Company. Now I get a lot of PR email, snail mail and (ugh) phone calls because of my job and I’m used to hitting delete an awful lot but this one I read with a great yearning because this one said they were sending out review copies of the brand, spankin’ new Electric Company DVD set to reviewers. Only see neither of my regular reviewing jobs have Electric Company viewers as their target audience. In other words, there was no way that I — lover of Electric Company — could legitimately ask for a review box. But wait! Then I noticed it was addressed to THIS email address — the one connected to this blog and not my official email address at all! Could it be? Was it true? Did they want me to talk about it on my blog???

I get lots of those offers, too. Well, not LOTS compared to the zillions of baby velcro bottle warming covers in leopard print offers I get in my official capacity but plenty. Most of them are products in which I have no interest (videos for 6-month old babies, inspirational self-published books, etc.) so I couldn’t believe it. I shot back an email, did she mean me? Yes, she answered, just send in an address.

Well, lemme tell you, I will TOTALLY whore out my blog for The Electric Company. Don’t tell the PR person this but I would have BOUGHT the dvd set and then written an entry this long. (Actually I would have talked my mother into buying it — it wouldn’t have been hard — and then just visited it occasionally.) edited to add: My mom just emailed me to tell me she bought it anyway!

So first, here is a link to buy this excellent 4-DVD set.
Here is the online trailer where you can hear Rita sounding just like my mom. (It chokes me up just to hear it!)

I can’t WAIT to show these to Noah — he’s gonna love ‘em!

And I’ll put some trivia below the cut!
(more…)

Woke up to read it in The Smeal Report.

I can’t imagine a world where Betty Friedan hadn’t been born and hadn’t written The Feminine Mystique.That book changed my mother’s life and so it shaped mine before I even knew it existed.

Erma Bombeck, Ms. Magazine and The Feminine Mystique. They saved my mother’s sanity.

Thank you, Betty.

I got myself a handy planning software package so I can keep track of projects. I pick things up and drop them so quickly that I need something that will keep track of where I was so I can more easily bounce around. Other than that, I’m feeling at loose-ends around here. I have regular work to do but I’m mostly caught up there. Now with my new nifty software, I’ve also got a head start on some other things.

Madison is understanding and sharing more complex ideas now. She knows the word “both” and uses it correctly.

“Madison, do you want yogurt or a banana for breakfast?”
and she’ll say, “Both! Yogurt AND manana!”

She also wants to wear underwear because, and I quote, “evee-body” wears underwear and she likes to sit on the potty, “Big potty yike Mommy!” she says, not her little potty chair, mind you. But she doesn’t have the concept down at all because the minute she’s running free in training pants, she’s peeing in ‘em. I say, “That’s ok, we’ll try again tomorrow and now you can wear your diaper again.”

She says, crying, “Evee-body wear unnerware! Noah, too!”

Clearly I need to buy more underwear ‘cuz she’s got like two pairs thus the need for diapers pretty soon after she gives it a try. I still wish she’d wait ’til spring to get interested in this.

She was painting with water at my sister’s house this week. (”I do art!”) My sister set both girls — Madison and Lucia — up at her art table and gave them big pieces of paper, little cups of water, paint brushes and then put glitter in the water.

“Moy [more] sparkles!” said Madison rapturously. “I do art moy sparkles!”

Erica is always happy to give anybody more sparkles so Madison’s picture was overwhelmed with glitter.

Let’s see, what else?

She wants to walk up stairs like big people, which means not putting one foot next to the other before advancing to the next step. No, she wants to step up and over even though sometimes steps are too tall for a not-quite-two-year-old to climb. She spent a lot of time at the park practicing this the other day. All was lovely until she got sand in her eye. That was traumatic, so traumatic that she has been reliving this with Pooh Bear.

“Pooh Bear sad,” she tells me, holding him. “Sand in eye.” Then she hugs him or pats him or bites his nose comfortingly. “All better now!” But alas, Pooh Bear is ever doomed to get sand lodged in his eye over and over again.

She is also understanding “tomorrow” “later” and “yesterday” (I think). If I tell her something is all done but we can do it again tomorrow she’ll reluctantly let go of continuing it. She understands that Daddy comes home “later” and that when he comes home we will have dinner and then she can eat whatever it is she wants to eat. Or that she can have her bath “tonight” after dinner but not right now after lunch.

She’s very smart.