Comments on: Guilt http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/02/12/guilt/ dawn friedman's blog Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:59:02 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: KrisAnne http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/02/12/guilt/#comment-2995 KrisAnne Mon, 20 Feb 2006 21:55:45 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=937#comment-2995 Sunny and beautiful...no whining allowed. ;-) Sunny and beautiful…no whining allowed. ;-)

]]> By: d.c. http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/02/12/guilt/#comment-2994 d.c. Mon, 20 Feb 2006 21:48:31 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=937#comment-2994 KrisAnne, what's the weather like in LA LA land? KrisAnne, what’s the weather like in LA LA land?

]]> By: KrisAnne http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/02/12/guilt/#comment-2993 KrisAnne Sun, 19 Feb 2006 20:33:04 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=937#comment-2993 Guilt is an interesting thing. I know that we didn't do anything to coerce our childrens' birthparents. I don't believe that many adoptive parents are really involved in coercion. Very few birthmothers really had someone putting a gun to their head when they signed their papers (in fact, in my state the papers have to be signed in front of a judge to ensure that no gun toting coercioners are there). But I have had plenty of moments where I feel guilty for having the privelege of being the mommy to my children...I've had moments where I think they are so beautiful and I feel sad that their birthparents are missing out on them. On the other hand, I am one who believes that things work out as they do for a reason, and that my children weren't meant to be anywhere but where they are. My job is to be their mommy, not spend my time pondering "what ifs" or how things could have went differently. Guilt is an interesting thing. I know that we didn’t do anything to coerce our childrens’ birthparents. I don’t believe that many adoptive parents are really involved in coercion. Very few birthmothers really had someone putting a gun to their head when they signed their papers (in fact, in my state the papers have to be signed in front of a judge to ensure that no gun toting coercioners are there). But I have had plenty of moments where I feel guilty for having the privelege of being the mommy to my children…I’ve had moments where I think they are so beautiful and I feel sad that their birthparents are missing out on them. On the other hand, I am one who believes that things work out as they do for a reason, and that my children weren’t meant to be anywhere but where they are. My job is to be their mommy, not spend my time pondering “what ifs” or how things could have went differently.

]]> By: Poor_Statue http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/02/12/guilt/#comment-2992 Poor_Statue Tue, 14 Feb 2006 00:33:19 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=937#comment-2992 I read your post as "I felt guilt, but I've moved on." and personally found it to be a healthy outlook. I think the guilt may come and go, but that we can't spend our whole lives feeling guilty- jeesh! Anyway, I'm with you on a number of these things though some are not considered to be the "right" side of the debate (the putative father's registry comes to mind). I was blessed (or cursed) with the ability to really see both sides so I find myself torn on a lot of adoption issues. This is part of why I will never really be part of a true reform movement. Frankly, I just want to get through my own experience. Anyway, I've babbled on too long when all I really wanted to say was that I agreed with much of what you wrote here. Best wishes on your book writing. I read your post as “I felt guilt, but I’ve moved on.” and personally found it to be a healthy outlook. I think the guilt may come and go, but that we can’t spend our whole lives feeling guilty- jeesh!

Anyway, I’m with you on a number of these things though some are not considered to be the “right” side of the debate (the putative father’s registry comes to mind).

I was blessed (or cursed) with the ability to really see both sides so I find myself torn on a lot of adoption issues. This is part of why I will never really be part of a true reform movement. Frankly, I just want to get through my own experience.

Anyway, I’ve babbled on too long when all I really wanted to say was that I agreed with much of what you wrote here. Best wishes on your book writing.

]]> By: speakingformyself http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/02/12/guilt/#comment-2991 speakingformyself Mon, 13 Feb 2006 20:22:47 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=937#comment-2991 I'm always curious when somebody says they refuse to feel guilt, because it often means that it is there ... but there is a refusal to acknowledge it. Kim Kim put it well ... if somebody approached a situation with absolute integrity and maintained integrity, there is no need for guilt. However, if somebody knowingly participated in coercion and fraudulent practices, the acknowledgement of guilt can be an appropriate and healthy catalyst for change. It's not something to be stewed in, but can be a teacher. And the Divine Intervention thing... I call foul when anyone claims to know God's plan. I've heard that rationalization a thousand times. My child's adoption was supposedly a Divine plan ... and nobody can tell me abuse/abandonment were ordained by God. Many moms of origin would love to say "I refuse to feel guilt" over my child's surrender, but it's a luxury few of us have. I had to pass through the chamber that held guilt in order to continue the healing process; in order to acknowledge the very real pain my child/ren have endured. At the risk of sounding confrontational, it's really too bad if first mom's finally speaking out makes some adoptive parents feel guilt. It might serve "children's best interests" to take a look at that guilt, explore its texture, trace down its bubbling origins. It may well be an appropriate leg of the larger journey. I’m always curious when somebody says they refuse to feel guilt, because it often means that it is there … but there is a refusal to acknowledge it. Kim Kim put it well … if somebody approached a situation with absolute integrity and maintained integrity, there is no need for guilt. However, if somebody knowingly participated in coercion and fraudulent practices, the acknowledgement of guilt can be an appropriate and healthy catalyst for change. It’s not something to be stewed in, but can be a teacher. And the Divine Intervention thing… I call foul when anyone claims to know God’s plan. I’ve heard that rationalization a thousand times. My child’s adoption was supposedly a Divine plan … and nobody can tell me abuse/abandonment were ordained by God. Many moms of origin would love to say “I refuse to feel guilt” over my child’s surrender, but it’s a luxury few of us have. I had to pass through the chamber that held guilt in order to continue the healing process; in order to acknowledge the very real pain my child/ren have endured. At the risk of sounding confrontational, it’s really too bad if first mom’s finally speaking out makes some adoptive parents feel guilt. It might serve “children’s best interests” to take a look at that guilt, explore its texture, trace down its bubbling origins. It may well be an appropriate leg of the larger journey.

]]>