Guilt
Feb 12, 2006 Adoption
HMBalison said, “I refuse to feel guilty about how things were managed.”
I don’t mean to tell people they should feel guilty about how things played out in their own adoptions.
The thing that I am struck by is that every adoption is so unique that it’s pretty impossible to say we all should have done it this way or that way. I think there are things that we can agree are problematic but there are other things that are much murkier. Allowing potential birth parents to meet prospective adoptive parents before the baby is born; the presence of hopeful adoptive parents in the delivery room, advertising, etc. These things are debatable. You can find arguments on both sides about the ethics of them.
Because state-to-state adoptions vary so much, it’s easy to find success stories and disaster stories to illustrate either side of each argument. You know?
We adoptive parents need to make the best decisions we can knowing what we know. There are things I would have done differently but I don’t feel guilty about it (anymore). I did the best I could. I thought long and hard about my decisions. And most importantly, J and I have talked about these things. She and Madison are ultimately the only people I have to answer to.
It’s hard for me to make definitive statements about coercion. I can’t say absolutes about a lot of issues. I personally think that paying living expenses is a gateway to coercion. That said, I have heard arguments otherwise. And I don’t think that every adoptive parent who pays living expenses is by definition coercive anymore than I think our adoption automatically sucks because I wish J had had more time to reconsider her decision. (And let the record state, too, that I don’t think *J* wishes she had more time — this is my own little party in my head.)
I am also pro-putative father registries and I know that this is an anathema to many members of the adoption reform community. It’s my bias showing from shelter work, frankly. One reason I don’t talk much at all about paternal rights is that I’m really not the go-to girl for that issue. I’m pretty cynical about them because I think that too often father’s rights usurp mother’s rights.
Oh and please don’t turn this into a debate about father’s rights — I’m not up for it. I’m just using that as an example of the ways we can all be on the same page but not necessarily be reading it the same way.
I still think that (and I’m using the correct terminology here) a 30-day revocation period would be a good thing. (And I think now that I’ve been corrected on that that it wouldn’t be a hardship for a woman who simply wants to surrender at 72 hours and then never reconsider.) I wouldn’t have liked it — it would have been really hard — but I think 72 hours to surrender with no ability to revoke is too short. It’s what I’d want for myself. It’s what I’d want for Madison. How could I not want that for J? But it’s a moot point, isn’t it? I know it’s a lot easier to argue a moot point than a real live situation.
(sigh)
Becca asked me the other day if I’m tried of mindf*cking adoption. I am lately. The two months (jeez, I write slowly) that I worked on that essay were basically sifting around in my brain, overturning every little adoption thought I had related to our adoption and yeah, I’m tired. But sometimes something happens in the blog-o-sphere and it wakes me back up and makes me anxious to type. Or makes me feel obligated to type.
Actually what’s hugely on my mind is what I’m learning about book proposals and how it relates to writing this one. Brett has two weeks off so I’ll be online less and on the computer more to get it done. Probably the limited scope of my entries will be about that for awhile. But I always feel antsy when someone writes a great adoption-related post or emails me a comment and then I want to rush back and get all mixed up in it again.
February 12th, 2006 at 6:42 pm
HM Balison needs to sit down and have a cup of tea with me and Cookie, Claud and Jana and some of the other mums. We could kindly and with little cakes and cookies explain why it’s not about feeling guilty, it’s just about not coercing babies away from mothers. It’s about supporting and helping rather than helping yourself to someone’s family member. If your side of the street is clean there is no need for guilt. If you know that you weren’t coercive in your behaviour then there is no need for guilt. I feel guilty. I think there is something wrong with you if you feel no guilt with adoption. I feel guilt about things that were out of my control but i still feel guilty like I should have been more superhuman or something.
I think God cringes everytime someone says adoption was planned by divine intervention. I just see the big old beared man in the sky wincing at the words and saying “Oh nooo, not again…..” Those comments go down in his black book and will be read out loud on judgement day. Anyone who has spoken on His behalf saying that he plans adoption will be sent off to catalouge Barry Manilow cds with people who whistle out of tune.
February 13th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
I’m always curious when somebody says they refuse to feel guilt, because it often means that it is there … but there is a refusal to acknowledge it. Kim Kim put it well … if somebody approached a situation with absolute integrity and maintained integrity, there is no need for guilt. However, if somebody knowingly participated in coercion and fraudulent practices, the acknowledgement of guilt can be an appropriate and healthy catalyst for change. It’s not something to be stewed in, but can be a teacher. And the Divine Intervention thing… I call foul when anyone claims to know God’s plan. I’ve heard that rationalization a thousand times. My child’s adoption was supposedly a Divine plan … and nobody can tell me abuse/abandonment were ordained by God. Many moms of origin would love to say “I refuse to feel guilt” over my child’s surrender, but it’s a luxury few of us have. I had to pass through the chamber that held guilt in order to continue the healing process; in order to acknowledge the very real pain my child/ren have endured. At the risk of sounding confrontational, it’s really too bad if first mom’s finally speaking out makes some adoptive parents feel guilt. It might serve “children’s best interests” to take a look at that guilt, explore its texture, trace down its bubbling origins. It may well be an appropriate leg of the larger journey.
February 13th, 2006 at 6:33 pm
I read your post as “I felt guilt, but I’ve moved on.” and personally found it to be a healthy outlook. I think the guilt may come and go, but that we can’t spend our whole lives feeling guilty- jeesh!
Anyway, I’m with you on a number of these things though some are not considered to be the “right” side of the debate (the putative father’s registry comes to mind).
I was blessed (or cursed) with the ability to really see both sides so I find myself torn on a lot of adoption issues. This is part of why I will never really be part of a true reform movement. Frankly, I just want to get through my own experience.
Anyway, I’ve babbled on too long when all I really wanted to say was that I agreed with much of what you wrote here. Best wishes on your book writing.
February 19th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
Guilt is an interesting thing. I know that we didn’t do anything to coerce our childrens’ birthparents. I don’t believe that many adoptive parents are really involved in coercion. Very few birthmothers really had someone putting a gun to their head when they signed their papers (in fact, in my state the papers have to be signed in front of a judge to ensure that no gun toting coercioners are there). But I have had plenty of moments where I feel guilty for having the privelege of being the mommy to my children…I’ve had moments where I think they are so beautiful and I feel sad that their birthparents are missing out on them. On the other hand, I am one who believes that things work out as they do for a reason, and that my children weren’t meant to be anywhere but where they are. My job is to be their mommy, not spend my time pondering “what ifs” or how things could have went differently.
February 20th, 2006 at 3:48 pm
KrisAnne, what’s the weather like in LA LA land?
February 20th, 2006 at 3:55 pm
Sunny and beautiful…no whining allowed.