Parenting-lite
FauxClaud wrote in response to WKH’s comment: “If a woman cannot begin to heal or have some sembalance of an OK life because she finds that being constantly reminded that she has lost her child is too painful, it makes it all the more obvious that the decision to place, if it even was an informed decision, was not right, but wrong.”
I have to agree with her here.
It seems like a lot of people think that open adoption is like parenting-lite. You know, the woman gets all of the pleasure (look! pictures! exciting visits on special days!) and none of the pain (gosh, children sure can be annoying and challenging). How unfair! Those darn birth mothers want to have it all and the poor, put-upon adoptive parents are forced to put up with it!
I just read a whole slew of comments like that so I’m all peeved out.
Now WKH didn’t say that but FauxClaud’s comment made me think of it. What WKH said was this:”imagine it’s also entirely possible a woman decides *it is time to move on* (it seems men are much more prone to this) and contact is too painful. While this is sad as well, I have to admit, it’s a legit choice IMHO. No one is forced to parent. And honestly, it shows they made the right decision to place their child with other parents.”
She has me up to “legit choice IMHO”. (I have not placed a child for adoption and so I would never tell a woman that she has NOT made a legit choice by taking steps to protect herself.) But after that she loses me.
One of the things I’ve learned from reading first mom blogs lately is that post-adoption healing/grieving is not an all or nothing proposition. Women can move in and out of the process and certain life events can make her look back with new hindsight. Surely then there will be times and circumstances when access to a child placed for adoption will bring great joy and times and circumstances when it will be something else entirely. It’s not parenting-lite. It’s not all the benefits and none of the drawbacks to parenting. It’s watching someone else raise your kid.
It’s watching someone feed your kid things you would rather your kid didn’t eat. Stick ‘em in clothes you don’t like. Give them ideas about God you don’t agree with. Or it’s watching someone do all the things you would do if you could and being reminded that you’re not the one doing them.
Now I don’t think openness is excrutiating for every first parent all of the time but I think it surely must have its moments for anyone. I think that Paragraphein’s blog does a great job illustrating how things can change in new circumstances or with new growth.
This is why I’m unsure when adoptive parents should “chase” first parents who have disappeared. While I do think that adoptees have rights and so both sets of parents have obligations, I don’t know exactly who should be the one pushing either side to honor those obligations. And since every adoption is unique and every person deals with the ramifications of it differently, I don’t think there really is a set answer. How do adoptive parents know when to give their child’s other parents room and when to push for more? How do they figure this out? How do they know when to let go and move on themselves?
Afrindiemum has written very eloquently about this on her own blog.
This reminds me that I wanted to start a post about the nature of blogs and their limits but I’ll get to that another time.
Quote: “How do adoptive parents know when to give their child’s other parents room and when to push for more? How do they figure this out?”
You mean… unless the bio parents TELL them? LOL. Well… don’t you know? You’re supposed to be MIND READERS. =) What, they didn’t tell you that during the homestudy? =)
No seriously, this is why I say in some ways, it’s just like any other relationship. You CAN’T be expected to know if the bio parents don’t tell you. It’s up the bio parents to communicate what they need.
If they don’t, I think it’s fair game for you to continue to ask them to be involved. If they won’t take the responsibility for saying, “I can’t do this right now, try me in xxxxx amount of time,” then you just have to keep taking the initiative as you see fit. For the child’s sake.
This is why I think the whole, “What if our calling them puts them in an awkward spot?” question is bogus. I mean, it’s kind of you to consider it, but it’s IMO not your responsibility… it’s the responsibility of the bio parents to tell you FIRST if that is the case, so that you KNOW not to call.
I just really think it all stems back to bio parents needing to take responsibility for communicating… even if that communication is, “I don’t want any more communication any more.”
Oh and this comment about backing away and being unable to heal “proving” that placing was the right decision is a load of crap. It makes no logical sense. “I’m not a good parent because I can’t heal from adoption, therefore if I’d chosen parenting I’d be a bad parent… even though then I wouldn’t have HAD an adoption to heal from.” ???? Makes no sense. Puts the chicken before the egg.
funny that we were both thinking the same thing and chose to write about the same subject on the same day. i didn’t even see your post until i posted mine - and i’d been working on it for a few days. same wavelength, i guess
here’s another thought/question for you and your readers:
in our situation, we believe we have the correct address for purl’s mom (z’s first dad’s mom). pea and purl told us that they waited to tell purl’s mom about the adoption (she knew pea was pregnant) until after the fact. they could do this, because pea was a month off estimating her due date and hadn’t had prenatal care. so she had z a month earlier than expected. they didn’t tell purl’s mom she gave birth and placed z with us until about a month after the adoption. they thought she might try to change their minds and they didn’t want that pressure. so eventually they did tell us that they told her, she was hurt, but came to acceptance once she realized how difficult it would have been for them and how she couldn’t have helped them like she wanted because of her own difficult situation.
anyhow. we have her address. it’s a way for us to potentially get in contact again. do we use it or not? if so, do we be up front about who we are or should we write a vague, “we’re friends of purl and want to see if you have a way for us to get in touch with he and pea…”
we’re feeling ethically challenged on this one. ugh. no idea here.
in re: N’s comment … of course it’s like any other relationship, which means sometimes birthparents tell the adoptive parents what they need and changes they need, and the adoptive parents disagree or don’t understand or simply don’t hear you. i’ve had a number of conversation with my boy jonathan’s mom over the years about her pressure for me to be around more, or her comparisons of me to jonathan’s sister’s birthfamily, or my lack of wild enthusiasm to have both kids over for the weekend multiple times a year.
this has arisen mulutiple times in the last six years in varying forms, always coming back to her not accepting that i’m simply busy / not that social, and instead thinking that i’m afraid of the relationship or need convincing and prodding of their desire to have me around or some variation on that. i’m not sure how many ways i can say, for instance, that i’ve been working 12 hour days & have family in town and just need a break; or while i was living out of town, that i would only been in for the weekend for a wedding and honestly couldn’t squeeze a day-long visit into my schedule.
luckily this has calmed down quite a bit in the last year, but was absolutely an issue for the two years prior.
so, that was a lot of talking to say: it is the responsibility of the birth family to communicate their needs, but it’s the responsibility of the parents to respect & listen to that.
I agree Katie, but in Dawn’s and AfrIndiemum’s situations, I don’t think it’s the case that they’re just “not hearing” the bio parents correctly… it seems like the bio parents have just, well, not communicated at all. I totally see your point and agree with it, I guess for Dawn’s situation I just don’t think it’s relevant right now. (BTW, I’m sorry that happened to you…)
AfrIndiemum, unless the bio grandma has told you she doesn’t want contact with you, then I see nothing wrong with calling her to initiate contact with HER. Not sure how I feel about calling her soley to get info on the bio parents, though. And I definitely don’t think scouting out info without revealing who you are is the way to go.
JMHO.
AfrindieMum: We have an open adoption that isn’t quite as open as it began, so I sympathize. We did get in touch with our child’s birthgrandparents, and that’s worked out pretty well; although it had a shaky beginning, which I’d prefer not to discuss.
I’d approach it with the idea of contacting purl’s mum, just to establish contact and not with any ideas about finding purl just yet.
I meant to say finding Pea too - sorry about that.
I have 2 beautiful adopted children (also 2 bio) and I have often wondered about contacting birth grandparents, especially since they have the same birthmom. However, since birthmom never informed the grandparents and both children were born drug/alcohol exposed and birthmom is mildly intellectually disabled, I worry about possible consequences. For example, bio mom does not have a good relationship with her parents and I wonder why. Also, I would not want to cause trouble for birthmom. She does not want any contact with the children either. Even though we are definitely not seeking to adopt, if birthmom got pregnant again I would not want to possibly close the door on my childrens’ bio sibling. I agree that these decisions are difficult and ethically based. As it is I would have liked at least a little contact with birthmom but I can’t dictate how she feels or how she handles those emotions. At present, the kids are both quite young and I have a bit more time to consider what is in their best interest. They know they are adopted (the younger will know but is too little to really understand). For now I feel I must respect birthmom’s wishes and her right to privacy. I accidentally learned her name at the hospital so it would not be difficult to track her or the grandparents, but she gave us her beautiful babies and told us her wishes so I think I owe her the respect to leave her and her parents alone.
as far as legit choice.. I don’t believe anyone can be or should be forced to parent. In fact I have a firm, steadfast belief that the opposite is true. No one ever should be. At all. In the end, only the children suffer when we force people to parent (in any form, including being firstmoms/dads). Yeah, I think it’s crappy of them to not be involved (you made a baby; deal!) but, the kid will suffer if the parent is resentful. I really believe it’s better for the kid if the parent is not present if they are resentful.
I also strongly disagree that if a woman always has pain about her decision or feels seeing her child is too painful that means the decision to place for adoption is wrong. No. That has exactly *nothing* to do with whether she has the resources to parent, emotionally, physically, and financially (altho I do strongly feel finances are the most crap reason ever to place). To be sincere, this is one of the reasons I chose abortion when faced with an untimely and unplanned pregnancy. I didn’t want to be depressed the rest of my life over what would have been the appropriate decision. And I resented the pro-life mob in my homestate that implied I should go through that emotional drama to feed the needs of rich white married couples.
I can’t have cats. My husband is violently allergic. I am sad I can’t have my cats. I probably always will be. I honestly don’t like hanging with cats due to this. I avoid cat people’s homes and parties. I gave them away almost a year ago. Sometimes, I still cry about it. In fact, I only looked up the info at the place where I surrendered them last week, to see if they’d found their forever homes. I didn’t feel ready. No, I do not want to see them.
Someday I will have dogs. But it won’t be the same. However, I made a choice to have my life with my husband instead. It was a crap rock and hard place choice. Sometimes, the right choice, is not easy. Just because a woman is not jumping with joy and smiling and thrilled with her decision to place does not mean it was a bad decision. Sometimes, life just *sucks* and nothing feels good.
And if you think I am being insensitive comparing my cats to children, well, you’re being insensitive for thinking I’m insensitive