Lovely adoption community
I have a question for you all and especially for the first moms who read here. I want this to be a respectful discussion (of course) but I’d like to hear some other points of view.
As you all obviously know, I have a huge bias for open adoption and I think that adoptive parents ought to challenge themselves to open their adoptions up as much as they can. I recognize that very open adoptions don’t work for everyone but I think that the possibility ought to be there so that as the adoptee him or herself grows older they have the means to open things up more if they want to. In other words, if a 9-year old wants to write his first mom, it’d be awfully nice if he had a means to do that.
The sticky part for me is when it’s the first mom who wants a more closed adoption. How does this work then? At what point should (if she should) an adoptive parent push for more openness?
Personally the whole closed adoption, closed birth certificates thing? I can’t get with that. If an adult person wants to know his or her origins, s/he should have access to that period. So I do feel that a first mom’s confidentiality doesn’t usurp the right of a grown person’s birth rights. But I get less sure of my feelings when we’re talking about a minor child and we’re talking about first parent obligations.
A friend of mine was saying that her child’s first mom no longer picks up the pictures and letters that they send to the agency and they aren’t sure where she is or how she is. Do they have the right to track her down? Do they have the obligation? What if ackowledging the adoption would be unsafe for her in some way?
I want to think on this more and I’d like to hear your thoughts, too.
I can’t wait to read the comments here. As a mom who is waiting to adopt, I really think I would scoff at the idea of a birthmom who would want a closed adoption. Would I scoff and then go through with it? Possibly. But not without grieving for all that our family would lose. When I say our family, it’s because I believe strongly - as strongly as I can by living through others, as our family hasn’t gone through an adoption yet - that the adoptee is not the only one who would miss out on the openness of the adoption. I would grieve for what I would miss in the relationship, as well.
I write that, step back and think, and I realize I probably have no business writing about this yet. Who am I to tell a birthmom what to do, what’s best for her, what’s best for her placed child, what’s best for her (if there are any) kept child(ren).
But I can say, that as a future adoptive mom, I would tread more slowly and carefully - if at all - into a closed adoptive situation than an open adoption situation.
Hi Dawn,
Good questions for a Monday. We are working thru many of these issues right now, so they are fresh in my mind. Open adoption is a wonderful part of our life, and I’m very glad we have open adoptions for both my kids-ages 8 and 11. When the kids were babies, we had lots of visits from the birth families–parents, grandparents, great grandparents, siblings. We got pictures. We got lots and lots of cards. But, it has tapered off. Life has gone along for everyone, particularly the birth parents. For my son, both his birth parents have married others and had their own families. His birth mother has remained steadfast in her contact, and that has been a good thing for my son. What has been a little more challenging is his birth father. Since my son is a boy who looks and acts very much like his birth father, it was great when the birth father was more involved and interested when we could say, “Wow, you are just like E!” What we have had to do is not make the comparison so much because his birth father is NOT that interested in him. I’ve had to ask myself, how does it feel to my son to have this cool guy (younger and more in shape than his groovy parents) who he is like suddenly evaporate? How could he feel if his birth father completely stops answering his e-mails? Should my son even be able to e-mail him at all? These are some of my questios that I try to answer.
In terms of my daughter, she has contact with R her birth father via cards and letters, and R sends gifts about once a year. I oversee this relationship since she is only 8. Also, her birth mother has disappeared (we think life on the street), and at this point, I try to keep some of the grittier details from daughter.
Personally, I don’t think I have the right to try to find the birth mother at this point. She has our address and phone #. She can find us, but I don’t believe we can force a relationship with her. I AM keeping a folder of photos and cards for her (for the last 2 years) so that if she should ever get in contact again, she will have a record of my daughter’s life. This is what I promised her when we did the adoption. I am also keeping these pictures because if we never hear from her, I can show my daughter that I did try to keep in contact up until her birth mom lost contact with us.
When my daughter is 18, I do have her birth mom’s social security #, so we can use it to locate her and find out what has happened. I say 18 because if the birth mom has stayed gone–it won’t be good news. I don’t think my daughter will be prepared to handle it before then.
The bottom line for our family is that I let the birth parents set the tone of the relationship regarding contact. I don’t think I have the right to push for more contact than they want to give. I can’t force them to want to be involved in my kid’s life, and I don’t want to be intrusive.
The ironic thing is that when we first considered open adoption, I was concerned that the birth families would want more contact than what I would be comfortable with, and it is the opposite.
I’ll be interested what others have to say on this subject.
HMBalison
jonathan’s parents do push me for more contact, despite my spending time with them several times per year & plenty of phone conversations and emails. i think his mom envisions a much more super casual, hangs out every few weekends, kind of relationship. i envision having a good relationship with him (and them) balanced with my job, my friends, the rest of my family, my interests, and my alone time. unfortunately i’m also in a position of being compared to jonathan’s sister’s birthfamily who buy more thoroughly into the “around all the time” philosophy.
Both my children’s birth moms keep in fairly regular contact. As a matter of fact, Apple and Noelle now email and have a totally seperate relationship than the one Noelle and I have. I think that will happen with Scruffy and his birthmom too when he hits 12 or so. Apple’s birthfather cut off contact with us and her about 8 years ago. He decided that his obligation to her and us ended when he and her birth mom split up. Scruffy’s birth father has seen him twice in 3 years. No contact other than that. Ironically both the birthfather’s families have remained as part of our lives. I don’t believe we have the right to ask for more contact than these men are comfortable with. As a matter of fact, I think it could be detrimental to my child to have someone that was a part of their lives only out of obligation, rather than desire. I think I would feel the same way with their birth moms. I would feel sad if they left our lives, but I wouldn’t pressure them. I however would fully support my adult children finding them.
Coming from a closed adoption situation, I can only imagine what an open one would be like.
While I do beleive that it is much better for the chld to have the abilty to know, etc. I am very interested to really hear what the adult adoptees of open adoptions have to say about living it when they find their voices. Only then, will will really know the full bebefits or not..but that’s not the question is it?
I don’t honestly know how some of the moms do it. While years of NOT knowing were hard, I can also say that I had a good ten years of peace..where the loss of Max was pushed way back into my brain and I just lived. If I imagine seeing pictures every four months and a yearly visit in there…I know that the peaceful years would not have been quite that. The issues and loss would have been ever present and THERE..if I saw it as a loss.
Now I don’t know if I would have seen it that way. I very well could have been a “happy birthmother” saying how great it all is..because when I did think of adoption in that time, that’s what I basically said. So maybe I just would have said it alot more? Or maybe having to deal with it more often, I would have gotten over the “happy” faster.
Now, knowing I was going into a closed situation..I had the opportunity to unofficially see where he was going..and I didn’t do it. Part of it as the respect that I had for te whole concept, but a bigger part was that I did not want to be tied to knowing. I knew if I had that information..the address of the house..that I would NOT be able to “move on” ( when I believed that that was not only a possibility but my responsibilty. I knew than that I would have had to make trips up to “watch the house” and get a peek. It was a recipe for a stalking situation..and I knew I would not be able to resisit..so I let the opportunity slip away. Couldn’t even tempt myself with it.
I think there is a lot more pain involved in open adoption then we would all like to believe. Even if a woman is appearing all happy, i think the stress, the eggshells, the waiting and wondering, does take a toll. In a perfect situation, with a mom who still feels her decision was right .and the best of apaps, then maybe it is really what it seems. But I have talked to a lot of seemingly OK moms..in chats, where all is sacred and all is deleated when chat goes quiet..and they are not as Ok as they let on. Whose fault is that..I don’t know. They are not honest, sometimes, they cannot be..so they talk the talk and walk the walk and inside die a little bit everyday.
And I think there is an expectation that many moms should move on…let it go which becomes easy of it trully is so hard and not real. There has been some discussion that open adoption is put out there too much as being only benefitial to the natural mother and without great purpose to the child..so that whole “I am selfish..I will be stong and just let them live their lives..they are OK” thing might come into play.
And granted, there are moms who just can’t deal at all..or who might fall into bad times and hide out of embrassment and fear of judgement.
I think that the aparents DO have a right to track the nat parents down. If nothing else, all parties have a responsibilty to be available to each other. The obligation, I think is only that it makes it asier in the long run to follow a trial that is recent rather than cold for years. It gets me mad to hear of moms just dropping off the face of the earth..send a post card at least! How hard is that? Is it Ok to make someone face what they don’t want to?? Hard to really say..part of me wants to say yes..it is for a child for goodness sake..and part of me wants to acknoledge that the denial is sometimes such a survivial techinque…
The part symaptheic to denial says that adoption got our body and souls already..and no we have no right to expect a dog and pony show every year to prove how OK it all is.
Even under the best of circumstance and intentions..very hard stuff.Ugg.
I am a future adoptive mother (still searching), and at this point, I feel so strongly about open adoption that I would probably turn down an opportunity where the birth parents wanted a closed situation. The more I read — in books, on blogs, etc. — the more I feel that it’s better for everyone. Although I also am sure, like FauxClaud said, that there are times when this could be painful, as well. (For all concerned.) There was a piece on BloggingBaby in the past few days about a Dear Abby letter from an adoptive mother talking about how her child always seemed to get depressed after visits with her birth mother — case in point. I think a balance has to be achieved that everybody is happy with — perhaps it’s something that’s negotiated and re-negotiated over time. How much contact is right? I’m sure it varies from family to family. I guess the complication is that if different birth parents/children have different needs, it could be hard for a sibling with less contact. But that’s part of the burden we just need to expect as adoptive parents — there will always be some pain involved, and you just have to deal with it as it comes.
Like FauxClaud, I am a mother as well from the closed adoption era. Since my son found me nearly 5 years ago, I have done a great deal of exploring adoption options since I have reached the conclusion that I no longer believe in closed adoptions.
Also like Claud, I had many years in which I had buried all my feelings about my son,and led a somewhat “normal” life. But, I wish that there had been a way to have dealt with my grief over losing him without having had to dissociate myself from him so completely. At the time of reunion, I was able to quickly uncover my buried feelings and reconnect with him. Some mothers long separated from their children are unable to do so and therefore refuse contact.
In my quest for answers after reunion, I began to study open adoptions in hope that they were perhaps a better solution. Because I believe that open adoptions have benefits for children, if an adoption is to occur, I would have to recommend an open one. However, I have many grave reservations about open adoptions as in my experience, not too many work as they should. I do believe that often an open adoption is used to entice a women who would not relinquish her child unless contact is promised. Too many open adoptions close within the first two years and some close abruptly with no notice. Few were legal contracts, so when they close, they is little legal recourse. Open adoptions seem terribly difficult for many mothers who place their children. And I greatly admire both sets of mothers who make open adoptions with regular contact work.
As for whether adoptive parents should “pursue” the birth parents, I think above all else what is best for the child should happen. As much as I understand how hard it is for some birth parents to maintain contact, I feel strongly that for the sake of their child, they should do all they can to be consistent with contact. While I do not believe in forcing contact, I believe in making every attempt to explain to the birth family that it is in the child’s best interest for them to stay in touch. And if that means finding them from time to time if they have lost contact, I have no problems with that. As long as it is done tactfully and protecting their privacy. Birth parents in open adoptions may need a great deal of encouragement to continue contact. I think the adoptive parents have every right to “pursue” them within reason for the child’s sake. I believe that birth parents have no right to anonymity from their children.
Are they obligated to keep up with the birth parents’ current addresses, I believe it is the right thing to do. Getting the birth parents SSNs is an excellent idea in case the birth parents do dissappear for awhile, they can eventually be tracked with the SSNs.
I think you have the right and obligation to seek out those things you think are best for your child. So if that means seeking the birthparents and asking for a relationship, so be it.
Everyone, though, has the right to choose which relationships they want in life. If a child’s birthparents don’t want/can’t handle a relationship, then it’s their right to decline one….
Basically, I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for a relationship, but I don’t think it can be forced, either. Take adoption out of the picture for a minute. What if you really wanted someone to be friends with your child, and that person wasn’t interested? You’d have the right to ask for the friendship, but ultimately, that person would have the right to refuse…..
Long rambling way of saying that you need to do what’s best for you and your child…. the birthparents bear the responsibility then of honestly negotiating with themselves whether they can handle/want what you’re offering. I don’t think it’s wrong to seek them out.
Not sure this really got at what I’m trying to say, but…. ah well. (Hits “Post” button.)
i’ve been able to step back a bit and take a look this….
since relationships evolve & change over time, the most obvious point is to be clear and consistant, with responsibility due to everyone. the yo-yo type of relationship does not benefit anyone, and is confusing for the child (and isn’t it really about the child?).
the hardest part for me has been never really knowing where i stand with the adoptive parents. what the kiddo knows, how he feels (if anything) about me. do they REALLY tell him the truth about things? i know he’s mentioned wanting to see me, but why don’t the parents take action on that? and because their information is so conflicting, words vs actions, i feel like i’m stuck on a frozen lake, with pieces cracking and sinking.
in the past 8 years, i’ve never wanted a closed adoption. but i’ve had my moments, such as now, when i can’t bear what’s happening. and i dread the annual pictures and letter i’ll be receiving in a few weeks.
wow. a long comment from me. who knew?
Thank you again, Dawn, for raising important questions.
Of course, like all opinions, I suspect mine will have biases based on my experience, but I’ll do my best to filter them.
I’m with you on the birth certificate. I believe it’s a child’s birthright to have access to it; to know his/her origins.
I believe (as Heather Lowe has pointed out) that most open adoption scenarios are framed as privilege for the mother/father of origin. They are often presented with the idea that their child does not need them, that their presence is confusing (but tolerable) to help with their grief (not child centered), and that if things get complicated for anyone … they serve everyone best by fading into the sunset (akin to their counterparts from the closed system). In a nutshell, they are far too often made to uncerstand (or even told) they are no longer relevant after their child’s birth.
Fortunately,there are more enlightened agencies who present things differently… that focus on the child-centered nature of open adoption. However, that is still far more the exception than the rule, as illustrated by typing in “unplanned pregnancy” or “adoption” into a search engine.
So, what to do when a birth/natural parent stops communicating? Hmmmm. I’d say push for clarity. Communication is key. Brenda Romanchik is a good resource, when it comes to this subject. She’s seen it all. She could educate/inform them about the importance of their role/s. If they know they are actually GOOD for their children, they may be more apt to remain in contact.
That said, Faux Claud and Barb make good points. My mom and sister often feel it would have been better (this is hard for me to say) to have no contact (well, better it hadn’t occured, but since it did) from day one … because of the ongoing emotional roller coaster ride left in the wake of a non-legally binding agreement. My particular experience has taken me and my family through layer upon layer of grief/trauma and done the same to the children involved. Had I not feared so much for my firstborn’s safety/well being, I would have just kept sending something on her birthday rather than continuing to suggest new hoops after so many attempts at clarity.
I can certainly see, for example, in a situation like Kateri’s — wherein impossible parameters are being set (ie: her placed child cannot know about her siblings)it will be unbearable, forcing the birth/first family away … because who on earth could tolerate that for long?
I’ve seen situations like that far too often, wherein the adoption is not officially closed, but utterly impossible parameters are set to force birth/first parents away.
Then, I’ve seen situations where the relationship remained mutually respectful for the duration of the child’s childhood. They have been more rare, but perhaps with moms like you raising the bar
that will begin to change.
And then, of course, sometimes the first/birth parents are feeling insecure/unworthy. If they are at an unstable point in their lives, they perhaps feel embarassed/ashamed (comparing themselves to their child’s new parents who are perhaps more supported, financially secure, at a more stable stage in life). Again, in such a scenario, it is important to let them know that humanity is acceptable (perhaps it could be good to share when you have endured a difficult period. I find this works in any loving/familial relationship — creates and even “feld.”)
But then there’s only so much you can do, and the first/birthparents have a responsibility to claim as far as staing in contact. Again, I highly suggest contacting Brenda Romanchik.
And, Dawn, thank you so much for asking. I think this means a lot to many of us.
Egad! See, I stop blogging … and rambled on here on yours. Sorry.
well, i don’t know. your guess is as good as mine. but i certainly wish someone would tell me, cause i’m mighty confused right now.
i feel like i have a responsibility to z, but no right to intrude on their lives. but i’m getting conflicting information, so how do i interpret that information into doing what is best for everyone involved? i just don’t know.
i feel like z has a right to know them and that they have a responsibility to her. had they wanted a closed adoption(or decided later that they did), and communicated that with us up front, i wouldn’t feel like they had a responsibility to be available for her so much as i do now. but i just don’t know.
i’m totally confused and have no answers. but hey - let me know - because i’d love some answers