Commenting as we go
Several comments to the previous post have already got me thinking again.
Katie talks specifically about expectations — whose expectations get to define the relationship? Also, people mean different things when they say “open adoption.” Some “open” adoptions (ones where first names are exchanged and cards/pictures go through an intermediary) are considered semi-open although the possibility of learning about each other more exists. Even many closed adoptions sometimes have more open possibilities if both parties agree. In Katie’s situation it’s not a matter of how open but how much participation is the “right” amount. Katie speaks to balance, “i envision having a good relationship with him (and them) balanced with my job, my friends, the rest of my family, my interests, and my alone time.” It’s an improtant thing to consider.
LisaV makes a good point by writing, “I don’t believe we have the right to ask for more contact than these men are comfortable with. As a matter of fact, I think it could be detrimental to my child to have someone that was a part of their lives only out of obligation, rather than desire.”
FauxClaud writes compellingly about the difficulties of openness when it comes to grieving an adoption. She writes, “While years of NOT knowing were hard, I can also say that I had a good ten years of peace..where the loss of Max was pushed way back into my brain and I just lived. If I imagine seeing pictures every four months and a yearly visit in there…I know that the peaceful years would not have been quite that. The issues and loss would have been ever present and THERE..if I saw it as a loss.”
She also points out that openness can ironically create more dishonesty for some women. This excellent piece by Terri Enbourge gave me a lot to think about early in our adoption journey with J. Enbourge writes:
A pioneer birthmother of Open Adoption uses the description, “puppet on a string,” when referring to her 18-year tenure under the direction of her placed child’s adoptive parents. …Common themes accompany this sort of loss with regard to Open Adoption, with the primary theme being the birthparent’s silence. In order not to upset the chance contact will continue or may resume after a period of no contact, these mothers become bound and muted to varying degrees. The silence can manifest in fear of speaking out to the adoptive parents, the agency, or to anyone about the betrayal of the agreement, lest daring to do so make matters worse. The binding manifests in the inability to act on their children’s behalf, even when they witness family dynamics that are harmful to their child. Unfortunately, because of the power imbalance in an Open Adoption relationship, this fear is based on a reality which is often realized upon confrontation.
These are all good reminders that openness is not a simple matter. I’d love to hear more from all of you.
I should add I envisioned bad outcomes for the first mom because quite bluntly, that’s been my experiences. (As an adoptee, and adopter to be, and married to an adoptee). I imagine it’s also entirely possible a woman decides *it is time to move on* (it seems men are much more prone to this) and contact is too painful. While this is sad as well, I have to admit, it’s a legit choice IMHO. No one is forced to parent. And honestly, it shows they made the right decision to place their child with other parents.
I keep thinking about your question about having the right to track birthmoms/first moms down…
Does *anyone* have a right to track *anyone* down?
I wouldn’t feel a whit of guilt about tracking down a firstmom. She doesn’t have to be in contact but I want to know if she’s alive or dead so it doesn’t come some shock out of nowhere when my kid is 16/18/21/25 and come to find out she’s been dead over a decade. I also don’t want her to ever feel like she can’t call us for help (some effed up sense of pride some people get). I’d rather offer a hand than find out her life went to hell on the short bus.
I guess… that’s what family is to me. I don’t call my family all the time. Sometimes like, a handful of times a year. Sometimes, once a week for a few months. But when chips are down, we are there.
I should add I envisioned bad outcomes for the first mom because quite bluntly, that’s been my experiences. (As an adoptee, and adopter to be, and married to an adoptee). I imagine it’s also entirely possible a woman decides *it is time to move on* (it seems men are much more prone to this) and contact is too painful. While this is sad as well, I have to admit, it’s a legit choice IMHO. No one is forced to parent. And honestly, it shows they made the right decision to place their child with other parents.
(I think I screwed up the comment somehow)
Mommyhead is making it so my thoughts and reasoning skills aren’t as focused as they were pre-baby (does this happen to everyone?!?!), but I wanted to just reiterate how glad I am to have access to your blog. It really is my #1 resource for ongoing issues, debates, thoughts, open-ended and interactive information on adoption online.
I’m a bit undecided on my feelings about openness right now. In a way, I’m glad to not have the twice weekly marathon drives to take D to appointments and errands that I did leading up to Edward’s birth. On the other hand, our initially agreed upon once a year visit seems vastly not enough. He’s almost two months now and we’ve spoken to her twice (ashamedly, she was the one who made both calls; I’ve yet to return the favor). I have tried calling her all week, but her cel phone is disconnected, and I feel like I’ve lost something in not being able to contact her…
Anyway… I’m just throwing random things out now, so I’ll end the babbling here. Thanks again. You’re valuable.
Mommyhead is making it so my thoughts and reasoning skills aren’t as focused as they were pre-baby (does this happen to everyone?!?!), but I wanted to just reiterate how glad I am to have access to your blog. It really is my #1 resource for ongoing issues, debates, thoughts, open-ended and interactive information on adoption online.
I’m a bit undecided on my feelings about openness right now. In a way, I’m glad to not have the twice weekly marathon drives to take D to appointments and errands that I did leading up to Edward’s birth. On the other hand, our initially agreed upon once a year visit seems vastly not enough. He’s almost two months now and we’ve spoken to her twice (ashamedly, she was the one who made both calls; I’ve yet to return the favor). I have tried calling her all week, but her cel phone is disconnected, and I feel like I’ve lost something in not being able to contact her…
Anyway… I’m just throwing random things out now, so I’ll end the babbling here. Thanks again. You’re valuable.
“I imagine it’s also entirely possible a woman decides *it is time to move on* …. and contact is too painful…. No one is forced to parent. And honestly, it shows they made the right decision to place their child with other parents.”
Whoa, hey…there is a huge difference between parenting and watching your child be parented from afar. One act, while hard, invokes many good feelings, positive reinforcement and joy. The other, infinatity more hard, with little joy, anxiety, pain and loss.
If a woman cannot begin to heal or have some sembalance of an OK life because she finds that being constantly reminded that she has lost her child is too painful, it makes it all the more obvious that the decision to place, if it even was an informed decision, was not right, but wrong.
A good mother wants to be with her children.
What of she only thought that she had good reasons and that she would do a lousy job, but then she finds that she could have psrented if she had only tried….that life had some good things in store for her. What if now she also has all the things she “should have” had before she dared to get pregnant. And other people rely on her and she needs to function. What if to be good for what she has now she has to survive, to be able to breath everyday without crying.
You have no idea what you ask of people. Bottom line, you don’t give away your child and are happy about it..at least not most people..and birthmothers are just like most people. Would you really feel happy about it?
It’s hard enough, don’t make her even more worthless becasue she can’t rub salt in the would.
I just find it completely astounding that one could judge her as even less than mother material because it hurts her to be separated from her children?? Isn’t that a sign of a good mother??
sorry..I’ll stop ranting now and go to bed.