Life’s work
Jan 12, 2006 Writing
Becca gave me official permission to say to hell with chasing that agent. She had an epiphany about doing things you don’t want to do just because you feel like you ought to be doing them and she shared her illumination with me.
I don’t want to write a book proposal right now. I don’t feel ready to do it and I don’t think I could get ready without making some serious changes to my schedule and frankly, I don’t want to make those changes. This was my reaction when I got the agent’s email: Glee! Dismay. More dismay. Obligation. Fatalism. Clearly not the way one greets a happy opportunity. But I still needed Becca to give me permission because I get very caught up in the “production” and “results” writer-mentality. This is my own kind of extra-stupid because if I’m miserable it’s just not worth it, is it? And frankly, as contrary as I am, I’ll passive-aggressively refuse to do the work anyway but keep myself under emotional punishment by pretending I still plan to get things done.
Anyway. That was a relief. I like where I am right now, which is thinking about writing and studying more. The class didn’t work out but that’s ok. I’ve got the one new writer friend and she’s got a friend and we’re going to have an in real life writing group, which will be good. I’ve been reading about writers lately (and Sondheim) and how they write (and compose) and I’m understanding that many, many writers write as slowly as I do and that there’s nothing wrong with it. I was ready to give up on that essay because I felt so frustrated but then last night I was curled up next to Madison and I started thinking about another approach and this approach illuminated something else for me.
I’m growing a lot as I write this piece and of course it’s hard, that’s why it’s taking so long. If I want to do work that has this many layers then I will need to accept that it will be a lot of work and it will take a long time but that’s the writing I want to do. It’s not worth it to me unless I get something out of it. Sometimes that something is a check and sometimes even a check isn’t enough to make me want to do it. I’m getting tremendous joy out of working on this piece although it is also very, very hard and painful. It’s a little like therapy, I guess. Writing this has so far been very therapeutic.
So I’m happy today. That was a nice birthday present to get (my enlightening phone call from Becca). Also I got a blender — a substantial, sturdy blender that matches our new copper toaster. It’s beautiful. I can’t wait to blend something. And tickets to go see Barbara Cook this spring, which I suspected I would get!
Today is sunny — our solar panels keep coming on — and Brett is off work so he’s out picking up a new-to-us formica-topped table. Madison is sleeping, Noah is doing a math computer game and I’m going to finish up here and go read more of this book. So far it’s been a very satisfying day and it’s only two o’clock.
January 12th, 2006 at 2:12 pm
This: “And frankly, as contrary as I am, I’ll passive-aggressively refuse to do the work anyway but keep myself under emotional punishment by pretending I still plan to get things done.” is me to a T.
I’m glad you are having a good day, and better still, are wise enough to recognize it.
Sarah
January 12th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
I’m SO jealous about Barbara Cook!!!!!!
January 12th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
I’d be interested in hearing what you have to say about the James Frey and J.T. Leroy scandals…
In case you were looking for a topic, and since you’re reading that book!
January 12th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Barbara Cook tickets? Man. I’m jealous too!
Have a great time - what a terrific birthday present!
January 12th, 2006 at 5:29 pm
I’m sure you already know about this but…
On the radio the other day (CBC) they were talking about Carol Shields (author of the Stone Diaries, etc) and how she wrote while raising 5 kids. They played an interview with her daughter who talked about how Shields would plan her books while doing housework, and then type it all up (on a typewriter!) when she had a moment.
Anyways. It made me think of you, and your struggles to find time to write. I’m glad you’re figuring it out.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:23 am
Wow! Copper! That’s pretty!
January 13th, 2006 at 12:54 am
Zinsser’s book is on my bedside table - one of my current favorites (thrift store find!)
Crap - I wish I had gotten the Waring blender for my husband’s bday - instead of a kitchen aid - the power just is not the same/as good. And I love the retro look…
Enjoy the SHOW!
January 13th, 2006 at 7:58 am
I envy your blender _and_ your Barbara Cook tickets extremely.
January 13th, 2006 at 10:34 am
congrats on your decision!
I have had the experience over the past couple of years of being offered jobs out of the blue. Each time it has been excruciating to say no because they were jobs I had previously really wanted and had defined as success. One difference between being offered an office job rather than something like a book deal is that there is a clear choice between at home or away from home.
Although it means swallowing my ambition for a while longer, I know that the job I really want to be a success at is mothering my kids.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
the biggest balance problem i have in my life is keeping my head in the here and now, rather than getting caught up with all the great ideas i have for stuff i could be doing. i’m drawing inspiration from your example. “you can have it all, just not all at the same time.”