I’m at coffee & schmooze
Dec 18, 2005 The Story of My Life
It’s the room the synagogue sets aside for parents with coffee (natch) and donuts and room for me to work on my laptop. I just found out that one of the women in charge of children’s education is a convert, too. Nice.
I finished up an essay I’d been working on for awhile. Not sure how happy I am with it yet.
I went to L’s party last night and as I said to the person I brought with me, “I am not meant for this party.” So we said good-bye to our esteemed host and hostess and snuck out the back so we wouldn’t have to wriggle through the crowds of people more sophisticated than we. At first it was fun to people watch and then it was not so fun.
I am introvert who can fake extroversion if I get some time/space to wind down but there are some circumstances that press my abilities way too far and this was one of them. People are usually surprised to find out I’m introverted because I can fake social ease even when I’m sweating bullets and feel like my head is going to explode. I have a hard time making eye contact (and I’m surprised more people don’t notice this) so I put my eyes out of focus and force myself to at least glance at someone while we’re talking. This is made worse if we’re in a place where there are other people circulating (parties, malls, etc.), which is something I just realized as I typed this out. But because I can pass as someone who is comfortable in crowds, sometimes I come across as more bored or hostile than I feel. I can seem rude when really I’m just coping.
It helps knowing this about myself because now I don’t generally get in over my head very often. There are things I’ve learned about getting through a party: I don’t really drink alcohol because it just makes thing worse. At most event I try to find a glass of water so at least I have something in my hands. I station myself someplace where I can watch the room but have my back to the wall. (My brother calls this “the mafia seat” because it gives you a clear view of the entrance.) If I can glom on to someone more social than I, I can count on them to help get me through a few introductions so that a room full of strangers will start seeming more palatable. I try to smile even if I don’t feel smile-y because that goes a long way. But if I’m not up to it, I’m just not up to it. Last night I wasn’t up to it.
Fortunately my friend L knows this about me so she wasn’t offended when I said, “I have to leave. Now.” Instead she showed me the way to get out the back.
Isn’t it nice to have friends who get it? And she’s an extrovert but she gets it anyway. Go figure.
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Tags: essay, introvert, introverted
From the comments
Dec 17, 2005 Adoption
Here’s a charity you might want to put on your tzdekah list: Children in Crisis.
Children in Crisis has reunited 300 children from the orphanages with their families in Kabul. It has been an uphill task: the charity faced considerable opposition from the directors of the orphanages. But now the Afghan government is convinced, and has asked the charity to act as an advisor for a nationwide scheme to get children out of orphanages and back with their families.
Most adoptive parents I know who have the ability to give time and/or money to organizations that go back to their adoption. I like to support organizations that help pregnant women in crisis. I know lots of international adopters like to support the orphanges who cared for their children. Here’s another option if your heart leads you that way.
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Typepad must control the universe
Dec 16, 2005 The Story of My Life
My stats are way down (by like 25%) and I think it’s typepad’s fault. I don’t use typepad but I think people weren’t making their usual blog rounds.
Here are two things I want to write about one of these days:
1. Why I am pro-public school even though it’s not an option I hope to use and why I sometimes feel guilty for not using it;
2. How I think child-free is a legitimate, celebratory choice for anyone including those who have gone through infertility.
The holidays are kicking my ass. On Wednesday I went into a panic because I forgot I had to babysit and then when I was well and truly hysterical because I had to go get Noah and the child we were supposed to watch was coming any minute my visiting friend told me it was Wednesday not Thursday, which is actually the day I had to babysit.
Then tonight I was thrifting and as I placed a baby-blue J. Crew wool sweater into my cart next to the Mulberribush bright yellow cords I got for Madison, I was thinking, “What should I wear for my friend L’s party?” And then I realized her party was going on RIGHT THEN. I finished my shopping quickly and, guilt-leaden, got myself home. Then my friend (the hostess) called and I began apologizing and she said, “Oh my party’s tomorrow.”
I am losing my goddamn mind.
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Tags: Erica, Infertility, Madison, Noah
People just don’t get it
Dec 16, 2005 Feminism/Politics
My writer friend, Kris Bordessa was asking for input on a presentation she’s going to do on communication. I think the whole world could use more of those presentations.
FYI to the world (especially the world who visits my job and makes it harder):
–You can have an opinion and you can feel strongly about it. However sayiing, “People who do those things are stupid!” is not a very appropriate way to express that opinion. It is unlikely to bring people around to your way of seeing things, for one, and it disrupts the community you purportedly care about, for two. If you insist on saying, “People who do those things are stupid!” with the defense, “Hey, it’s just my opinion!” I will assume that you care more about being an insulting, vicious presence on the board than about either the community or the issue that drives your statement. In other words, it is clear to me that you are not the strong-minded activists you pretend to be and really you are a person who enjoys being angry and unkind.
–No, you don’t have to pretend to agree with people with whom you don’t agree. You don’t have to keep your opinions to yourself. But if your goal really is communicating your thoughts, feelings and opinions and not causing a row, you might want to think about how you express yourself. If someone gets their feelings hurt over something you said, apologizing is not giving in to them. You may want to look at what you’ve said and think about a more effective, less offensive way of saying it. Note I said more effective. Again, if your goal is to communicate, you will have to understand that whether or not a person hears what you’re saying rests in part on your ability to say it well. Yes, there will always be crazy people hell-bent on misunderstanding you but if you keep your nose clean, the rest of the community is likely to get the drift.
–It might be best to let sleeping dogs lie. I know. That’s a hard one. I always like to have the last word, too. I often go to bed and then wake up the next morning with the perfect comeback. Sometimes a person just has to walk away, hit delete or close the window. (I could stand to take this paragraph to heart myself.)
In short, you don’t win a debate by bludgeoning people with your opinions and you can do way more harm than good when you try.
Ok, thanks for letting me get that out.
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No time to write!
Dec 15, 2005 Adoption
But if you’re a blogging birth mom, please check out Aimee’s web ring. And if you’re a birth mom without a blog, consider getting one. Your story matters, it’s important and if you want to write it, we’d be honored to read it.