Why I’m a pro-choice adopter
I was lying awake thinking about this last night. There was a book I read in the midst of our infertility struggles that really changed my perspective. Bitter Fruit: Women’s Experiences of Unplanned Pregnancy, Abortion, and Adoption. It’s when I realized that it’s not infertility that’s so awful — it’s not being able to control your fertility. I realized that most of us can’t get away from that and that my infertility was no different than the woman staring in horror at the double lines on her pregnancy test.
Women are so tied to our ability or inability to get pregnant and it dictates the course of our lives. Men don’t have these same constraints. (I used to make it a habit to ask boys (back when I was dating) whether or not they had any kids out there. Usually I got a startled, “I don’t think so.”) But we women, we can’t get away from our mind-of-their-own ovaries.
Whatever our politics might be, I think we can all understand why a woman might make the choices she’s made when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.
This is why I’m strongly pro-choice and became even more so after having Noah. Parenting is hard and if a woman knows that she’s not ready to take it on, she should not then be forced to make an adoption plan.
Did you know WIC was created out of Jimmy Carter’s pro-life convictions? I didn’t know until I heard his interview on NPR. He felt that his duty as president was to uphold the will of the people, which was (and is) support for Roe v. Wade but he also felt it was his duty to help women NOT choose to have abortions. I support this kind of policy-making. WIC takes nothing from women seeking abortions but does give them more options and thus more control over their lives. That said, it doesn’t address the needs of the woman who is pregnant and simply does NOT want to be.
It’s so tempting to look back and say, “If she had kept that baby,” “If she had had that baby,” and even “If she had stuck with her adoption plan,” and pretend like we know what her life would look like. We can’t. Even she can’t. Hindsight has its limits. What women need is honest information and the space to make her own decisions. She needs information free of politics or profit. She does not need to be coerced into abortion, adoption or parenting.
I am a pro-choice adopter because I have seen first hand what it means to be a birthparent. I have also seen women and men raise children they did not wish to raise and how bittersweet that turns out. Frankly the women who have chosen abortion (at least that I know) had the least disruption in their lives and little long-term ramifications. I would never question a woman choosing this path, it’s logical for many women. However, I am deeply grateful to the women who choose to become birthmothers. They are remarkable.
As far as I’m concerned, programs like WIC, Healthy Families, and the like are pro-choice programs through and through - as are the truly ethical adoption agencies that provide counseling, logistical support, and case management when it’s needed for women considering an adoption plan. Choice has been co-opted to be about abortion (which is a choice I strongly support), but in reality it’s about having the resources, knowledge, and tools to make a decision about a pregnancy without having to only consider the presence or lack of support. Obviously, our culture isn’t there yet(or many women who make an adoption plan wouldn’t have to make that choice), but one thing I think I can do personally to get us further down that path is to support women’s choices in whatever form they come.
I too have become more pro-choice after having my two children. I always was, in a kind of vague way, but also thought there were a lot of reasons why you should tell people they shouldn’t have abortions (that is, I thought there were good and bad reasons). After carrying my own much wanted children in my body, I feel that it is a deeply invasive act, to grow a child in your body, and can’t imagine requiring it of anyone else unless it is their choice. I now can’t imagine forcing a woman to carry a child in her body against her will, whatever her reason for making her choice.
I’m also with you on the other side — no woman should be forced to have an abortion, either, and society should do as much as they can to make sure that women have the choice not to have an abortion, to chose to “parent” or release their children to others.
bj
Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. We (you and I) are very different people with very different views. But I love your blog because it makes me look at things with a different perspective and really think. Your thoughts challenge me. And your writing is terrific-you have a gift. You are very insightful. I loved this entry today- “it’s not infertility that’s so awful-it’s not being able to control your fetility.” I had never thought of this before. But you’re absolutely right!
I have infertility problems and my husband and I are in the process of adopting. This entry has been on my mind all day. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Excellent post. Thanks.
I got this article today through Chicago Moms Blog. I have an abortion/adoption article up there today. Excellent article.
You are right about many things but personally the idea and practice of abortion does not jive with me. In my opinion a women who is pregnant unintentally, even if it was rape needs to value that life as she values her own. I’m only ok with the day-after pill. I have videos of in-utreo life and the thought that a fetus looks very human at only 12 weeks(has a heart beat, a face, hands, fingernails even) means that I think it could feel pain. I just can’t stomach the though of that. You are right about women being subject to what our bodies want to do. Sometimes I wish I was a boy. But then I wouldn’t be as nice, eh?
I was pregnant unintentally and I enjoyed it even though I chose not to parent. I have heard a few stories of women who were raped and found that carring the child to term was a really good experience that they would never regret. I think there is lots of regret with women who have abortions, some to with adoption but I doubt that its as great.