this woman’s work

and my job started sucking right away! Part of my job is managing people. I am a terrible people manager because I have bad boundaries. Back at my old job (the one pre-kids) I had a work-study student and a few volunteers. They would come in between classes and say, “What can I do to help?”
And I’d say, “You just sit right there and get nice and comfy in that chair and I’ll crawl around on the floor here and pick up the toys.”
“Can I help you organize your files?” they’d ask.
“Oh no!” I’d say. “I’ll get to that later!”
They got no work experience and I got no help but they liked me even if they probably pitied me.

Now I let people do the things that they’re meant to do but I feel guilty about it. I am also (in no particular order):
–Bad at sticking to my decisions;
–Easily swayed by emotional arguments;
–Full of angst whenever I do manage to take a stand;
–Woefully disorganized.

(Gee, I hope no potential future employers read this blog.)

So anyway, I went to bed very late last night (I work nights! And weekends! And mornings! And afternoons!) after dealing with a situation that had begun sometime early Saturday. I was having regrets, I was having concerns. I felt like I’d moved forward too quickly (which has convinced me to never act decisively and with confidence again) and so I was up ’til midnight picking up the scattered, jagged little pieces of the situation. Only to wake up this morning to two emails — one kindly mostly but trust me when I say that the kindness means nothing and one full of rightful righteous indignation.

It’s a beautiful snow-glittery sunshine day out there. I will feel guilty if I take the kids out in it since I’ll be sure emails continue to pile up and isn’t this why I get the big bucks working at home? But I will feel guilty if they don’t go and instead stay cooped up indoors where there is no fresh air, no beautiful landscape and very little chance of wearing them out for a good night’s sleep. Feeling guilt no matter what and thinking about how I probably should have made a different decision every time I make one is called multi-tasking.

I envy Brett two things: his ability to sleep no matter which kid is coughing, crying or kicking and his ability to think about only one thing at a time. I never have the luxury of having only one thought in my head. With work, this is worse because I am both always working and always neglecting work. So it goes.

Maybe the rest of the week will improve.

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