I wanted to comment on the same entry that Cubbiegirl is talking about over at her blog. Now right upfront, let me say that I’m talking about adoptions in which the child has been voluntarily placed by his/her birth family.
I’m saddened that there is still so much confusion and prejudice about birth parents and adoption. There seems to be this idea that birth moms are by definition inappropriate or without boundaries. But if you look around and talk to birth moms (Read their blogs, please) you’ll see that they’re getting a bad rap.
Contrary to Lifetime movies and popular fiction, women who place their children for adoption are not lunatics who park their children with other people until they have a chance to scoop them back up. Women who make adoption plans are by definition women who are thinking hard about their children. They don’t want their kids lives to be complicated by their presence and if they choose openness, they are likely to be as committed as the adoptive family to maintaining appropriate boundaries because that’s best for the baby. Even most self-described angry birth moms like Kateri have no desire to disrupt their children’s families. Kateri’s complaints, you’ll see if you read, are about the way she was treated by the adoptive parents; her struggle to respect their boundaries while maintaining some level of connection to her birth daughter is impressive and I’d argue way more common than not for birth mothers dealing with regret or anger.
And how to avoid the angry birth mother? Don’t piss her off. Don’t lie to her. Don’t screw her over. Don’t work with unethical adoption “professionals”. Do act honestly. Do refuse to share your profile if you’re not prepared to meet her requests. Do honor her as the woman who gave birth to the child you love.
In other words, random insanity from a birth parent is no more common than random insanity from any other group of people. In fact, I betcha that random insanity is less common among birth mothers because making an adoption plan, signing the papers, and placing a baby is so effortful,
Everyone has a different definition of what “appropriate boundaries” look like and no one — birth parent or adoptive parent — should feel coerced into accepting more or less than what will work for them. However, I think that if more potential adoptive parents understood how open adoption works, they would feel less threatened about welcoming birth families into their children’s lives.
Let me tell you, having J around does NOT make me feel like less of a parent. In fact, having her presence makes me feel MORE like Madison’s mom because I know that I have J’s full blessing.
There’s also this idea that adopted kids will be confused if you use terms like “birth mom” with them. As in, “J is your birth mom; she gave birth to you.” Like Madison will not be able to make sense of this. But my take on it is that you tell them the truth at the get-go and then answer questions as it starts to sink in. Sooner or later Madison will put 2 and 2 together and realize that having J as a birth mom and me as an adoptive mom is more complicated than Noah’s scenario and she’ll have questions. But she’ll be a lot less confused and have far fewer questions if I waited until she was 6 or 7 or 8 or MORE and said, “You know how you thought J was your aunt? Well, she’s really your birth mom.” or “You know how I said you were adopted and didn’t really know about your birth family? Well, I actually have this info about her.” or “You know how you said you always wanted to meet your birth mom? Well, I’ve actively stopped you from having that opportunity.” or worst of all “By the way, you’re adopted.”
Imagine the confusion then! Confusion like, “But why did you lie to me? Why didn’t you trust my love for you? Why weren’t you confident enough to allow me the opportunity to explore my own truth?”
This is not about birth parent rights; this is about our children. Of course birth parents and adoptive parents have the right to create boundaries that will work for them but these boundaries should be in place not because adoptive parents fear the involvement of birth parents who have not done anything to earn that fear other than to be birth parents.
Did you know that fifty percent of all adoptees will search for their birth families (usually their birth mothers) at some time in their lives? (That number may be growing as open adoption becomes more accepted and adoption activists continue to win the fight for open records.) If you are able to have some openness in your domestic, chosen (as opposed to state-initiated) adoption, your child is very fortunate. He or she has the opportunity to start out with more information than was ever available in formal, state-sanctioned adoption in the past. What a gift!
So many adult adoptees don’t search for fear of their adoptive family’s unhappiness. They’re afraid that we might reject them or that our feelings will be hurt. “Aren’t I enough mother to you?” Isn’t that tragic? Personally I couldn’t live with the guilt that my son or daughter would put off searching because of me. I figure that one of the things I can do for Madison is honor her roots and do what I can so she has the opportunity to explore them as she sees fit.
Again, I’m not saying you should enter into a match agreement with a birth parent who is requesting more contact than with which you feel comfortable. If visits seem like too much, so be it. If sharing identifying information seems like too much, say so. But know that the presence of a birth family is unlikely to threaten your status as active parent unless you allow it to.
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I totally agree with everything you say.
And even in the case when a child is removed from their parents involuntarily, I think a lot of the same things apply. Bug knows that she can search for her mom when she is 18. Why does she want to? Because she has questions that she wants answered. I wish that her birthmom was safe enough to allow that to happen as a child. I think that sometimes we allow our own insecurities to mask what we think kids are able to handle. Bug amazes me with the clarity and thoughtfulness in which she handles adoption issues.
Even in cases where child are removed from their parents, there are often still semi-open adoptions. For instance, Bug and her brother. Or even with parents. I know of someone who adopted two children. Their bio mother was mentally retarded and had no support system. She neglected the children, but not because she wanted to. She was unable to care for herself. They have a very open relationship with her, she visits, they visit, they call, they spend holidays together.
Anyway, fact is..if you are adopted you have two sets of parents. And if you are the parent of an adopted child, you will share them on some level, with those bio parents. I think having some openness just adds to the comfort, and doesn’t detract from it.
BRAVA! As usual, you and Cubbiegirl continue to be my heroes… reading your take on life as an adoptive mom gives me so much hope… and has been SUCH a huge help as I come to terms with having been lied to about my origins for 25 years.
BRAVA! As usual, you and Cubbiegirl continue to be my heroes… reading your take on life as an adoptive mom gives me so much hope… and has been SUCH a huge help as I come to terms with having been lied to about my origins for 25 years.
I so agree, and every day of this 14 year relationship with Mallory’s birthfamily reinforces our decisions for openess. It is so much easier to have faith and trust in people you know, rather than fear the unknown. Often birthparents are either portrayed as saints or sluts, the truth is they are pretty ordinary people trying to determine the right choice for themselves and their children.
I like what you say here.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. We had a shaky start to our open adoption; but my greatest fear now is that M has decided not to see Alena anymore.
For the record, my daughter knew what the word “birthmother” was when she was 2 1/2. She had been hearing it for a lot longer, but she was able to use it by then. We were looking at her lifebook the other day, and came across the pictures from our first visit after placement. She said, “There’s me, and my birthmom, and Mommy!” Kids’ aren’t nearly as stupid as us adults would like them to be. They know.
this was once again all reaffirmed for me, a birthmother!, when i recently heard from jonathan’s mom. she reported that a few weeks back, on a day in which me or birthparents/families in general hadn’t been discussed, jonathan (now 5 1/2) piped up to her: “i love you mama! you’re the best mama in the whole world. but katie is my best FRIEND in the whole world!”
Yippee!! Hallelujah! I so agree with everything you have said, and am so happy that you said it. Fear lies in the unknowing, and knowing our children’s birthfamilies, and having them know us gives me MORE security in our family and my parenting and gives my children an abundance of love that is only appropriate for them. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Wonderfully said. Thank you.