Comments on: More comments

By: cluttergirl

cluttergirl — Sun, 06 Nov 2005 11:51:04 +0000

Hiya! I just realized you sort of answered my question here. I would agree that most abandonment/birthparent placements come from a place of crisis, but I was wondering about the ‘immoral institutional policy roots” you mentioned.

When I was 17 I thought I was pregnant, and would have done almost anything for an abortion… (i wasn’t pregnant, just late), but if I had had to give birth, I would have given it up (incredible to think now). I had passed two or three years in bad depression as a teen, was just coming out of it, felt unstable, unable to raise a child and totally wanted to go to university. There was nothing institutional about it. Maybe immoral re that I felt that my life was a priority, over the child’s life (ie the quality of my life without a child vs the quality I would have had at 17 if I had kept it and not been able to continue my studies etc). It wasn’t $$, my mom would have been supportive etc. It would have just been a bad time for me to keep a baby.

And I have other friends who gave up babies when they were teens. I don’t think they would have felt more mature and able to parent if they had had more $ or support. I think they just didn’t feel ready, and are glad they gave the baby up for adoption to parents who were wanting to parent and devote their lives to making a family for their baby.

So, I guess from personal experience, it wasn’t institutional, or immoral policies. And I can imagine someone who is married and has a good job not wanting to have a child at the time they get pregnant. Or someone who has already 8 kids… that even if they had the $ would feel overwhelmed to properly parent another one, etc.

So that is what I was wondering about. I agree in the case of China onechild policy. And in cases where the parents would keep the child if they had paid maternity leave, or a good job security, or whatever, or in cases where it is societally bad to keep a child out of wedlock, due to adultery, ‘wrong’ race etc. But I don’t think that is the majority of abandonments in history.

By: Kathryn

Kathryn — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 14:39:42 +0000

Hi, I stumbled on your blog this morning…through someone else’s I think. At any rate, it’s nice to have an outspoken opinion on adoption. I have adopted two children (siblings) out of foster care. I’ve always felt the birthparents, who were very young, should have some kind of relationship with the children…my husband disagrees and unfortunately, the birthparents seemed to have no interest in knowing about their children. They have never called and — I just figure either they feel they can’t…or they feel they’d be rejected by us. Either way, it saddens me and I’d give almost anything just to be able to find the birthmother and talk to her. I would imagine she has had more children. She was extremely young and her rights were terminated.
Anyway, not sure what this all has to do with what you’re discussing, but just wanted to say I enjoy your blog.

By: Lisa V

Lisa V — Sun, 30 Oct 2005 21:51:50 +0000

Sorry I am processing on your blog. I think I am fighting the stereotype here of the “good birthmother.” Or even the good mother. And frankly I am not even sure it’s relevant to your discussion, it may be going off on another tangent. Not all women and men want to parent, and that is the reason they chose to become birthparents when faced with a crisis pregnancy.

So the whole alturism thing gets really complicated. I wasn’t alturistic, I chose to parent a healthy newborn. Her birthparents weren’t necessarily alturistic. They did make us a family, but they started from a place of finding someone else to raise their child. Just as I was looking for a baby, they were looking for other parents. However, no matter what our motivations it has turned out well for us. I believe it was all meant to be on some mystical level, but on a practical level, it’s much more cut and dried.

By: Lisa V

Lisa V — Sun, 30 Oct 2005 21:37:53 +0000

I think every one of these birthparents I am speaking of would have chosen not to get pregnant period. However, after being birthparents,they have said they are glad they are. Granted these are people that are happy with their adoption situation. I meet most of them through panels. Most of these women were either teenagers with very supportive families, or adults who knew they didn’t want to parent and chose not to have an abortion. I have heard three of them speak of the only guilt they feel is when people question why they placed their child. One woman is a 29 year old attorney. She has an open adoption, her baby is almost a year. Frankly she is better off economically than they adoptive family, but she didn’t want to be a mom. She gets flak a lot from people.

I totally agree that adoptions spring from crisis in birthparents lives. I just think that crisis will mean different things to different people.