Comments on: Ack! This disputes my argument! http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/10/30/ack-this-disputes-my-argument/ writing, mothering, writing about mothering Sun, 12 Oct 2008 10:05:29 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: mamamarta http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/10/30/ack-this-disputes-my-argument/#comment-2196 mamamarta Wed, 02 Nov 2005 16:25:20 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=770#comment-2196 wkh -- for whatever it's worth, we have almost universally had an opposite reaction from black friends. we live in a predominately black neighborhood, and attend a racially diverse (primarily black/white) church. this is one of the primary reasons we chose to adopt a black baby rather than a child of some other race (my partner, daughter and i are all caucasian), but at the same time it gave us pause, because we wondered how our community would feel about it. so we slowly and methodically talked to our friends and neighbors -- not all of them by any means, but the ones whose opinions and support we most valued. and without an exception they were all thrilled for us. one of our aa neighbors even wrote one of our letters of recommendation for our homestudy. now, it's very possible -- even probable -- that some folks in our community feel the same way your black friends do and for whatever reason have chosen to stay silent, but for the most part we've had a very good experience and have felt very supported and accepted. wkh — for whatever it’s worth, we have almost universally had an opposite reaction from black friends. we live in a predominately black neighborhood, and attend a racially diverse (primarily black/white) church. this is one of the primary reasons we chose to adopt a black baby rather than a child of some other race (my partner, daughter and i are all caucasian), but at the same time it gave us pause, because we wondered how our community would feel about it. so we slowly and methodically talked to our friends and neighbors — not all of them by any means, but the ones whose opinions and support we most valued. and without an exception they were all thrilled for us. one of our aa neighbors even wrote one of our letters of recommendation for our homestudy. now, it’s very possible — even probable — that some folks in our community feel the same way your black friends do and for whatever reason have chosen to stay silent, but for the most part we’ve had a very good experience and have felt very supported and accepted.

]]> By: wkh http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/10/30/ack-this-disputes-my-argument/#comment-2195 wkh Wed, 02 Nov 2005 05:47:11 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=770#comment-2195 To be sincere -brutally honest rather- one of the reasons we're not contemplating domestically adopting a black child is the reaction of our black friends. Yeah, they want the babies to have good homes of course, but their ideal scenario is to support women of colour more to keep their babies. They consider adoption to be a tragedy. Minimally better when black couples adopt black babies. And there's a lot of suspicion that the white man controlled system is pushing women of colour to give up babies. Like they're not good enough to raise their own children. It's often compared to the reservation schools that first nations members were shipped off to in the 20th century, ripped from their familes and culture, since the (white) govt. knew better. The general attitude is that poor women of colour are not baby farms for rich white women who spent too much time on their career and now cry they can't conceive. Not pretty, but that's the attitude. Combined with thinking anyone white raising a black child has a lot of chutzpah. It's not stated so bluntly but it's not so subtly put out as a serious vibe. There's also a suspicion that... oh and this is so hard to articulate... that there's some sort of... "feel good activism" behind the motives of white couples who adopt. "Look how progressive and tree hugging we are; we adopt black babies!" Strangely, I have never, ever gotten this sort of attitude from my asian friends when we discuss adopting from China. Then it's "good. get them the hell out of there." They never seem to think we must have some damn nerve thinking we could possibly raise an asian child. (Admittedly, this may have to do with the fact my husband is fluent in Chinese and has spent much time there -but I've never felt it implied about anyone!) Patronizing... that's it. My black friends make me feel like I'm being patronizing if I consider (domestic) adoption of a black child. The attitude does go away when it comes to international adoption of black children. I haven't figured that one out yet. To be sincere -brutally honest rather- one of the reasons we’re not contemplating domestically adopting a black child is the reaction of our black friends. Yeah, they want the babies to have good homes of course, but their ideal scenario is to support women of colour more to keep their babies. They consider adoption to be a tragedy. Minimally better when black couples adopt black babies. And there’s a lot of suspicion that the white man controlled system is pushing women of colour to give up babies. Like they’re not good enough to raise their own children. It’s often compared to the reservation schools that first nations members were shipped off to in the 20th century, ripped from their familes and culture, since the (white) govt. knew better. The general attitude is that poor women of colour are not baby farms for rich white women who spent too much time on their career and now cry they can’t conceive. Not pretty, but that’s the attitude. Combined with thinking anyone white raising a black child has a lot of chutzpah. It’s not stated so bluntly but it’s not so subtly put out as a serious vibe.

There’s also a suspicion that… oh and this is so hard to articulate… that there’s some sort of… “feel good activism” behind the motives of white couples who adopt. “Look how progressive and tree hugging we are; we adopt black babies!”

Strangely, I have never, ever gotten this sort of attitude from my asian friends when we discuss adopting from China. Then it’s “good. get them the hell out of there.” They never seem to think we must have some damn nerve thinking we could possibly raise an asian child. (Admittedly, this may have to do with the fact my husband is fluent in Chinese and has spent much time there -but I’ve never felt it implied about anyone!)

Patronizing… that’s it. My black friends make me feel like I’m being patronizing if I consider (domestic) adoption of a black child.

The attitude does go away when it comes to international adoption of black children. I haven’t figured that one out yet.

]]> By: shannon http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/10/30/ack-this-disputes-my-argument/#comment-2194 shannon Tue, 01 Nov 2005 04:11:29 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=770#comment-2194 The book I'm reading at the moment says 15% foreign-born, but that's by far the highest number I've yet read anywhere. Our agency exclusively works with black and biracial (meaning black+any other race) babies, so their numbers would skew this stuff, but they're in Illinois and place about 40-45 babies per year (to all kinds of families,but probably more white or interracial-couples (one white) than black families. So they're right there in your reading. The book I’m reading at the moment says 15% foreign-born, but that’s by far the highest number I’ve yet read anywhere.

Our agency exclusively works with black and biracial (meaning black+any other race) babies, so their numbers would skew this stuff, but they’re in Illinois and place about 40-45 babies per year (to all kinds of families,but probably more white or interracial-couples (one white) than black families. So they’re right there in your reading.

]]> By: Marla http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/10/30/ack-this-disputes-my-argument/#comment-2193 Marla Tue, 01 Nov 2005 01:23:05 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=770#comment-2193 When people ask us why we did not adopt domestically I just *sigh*. It is so complicated-- every agency and lawyer charging different fees--some race-based, other situation driven. One lawyer told us about an immediate situation for a mixed race baby, but we would have to support the mother, her boyfriend and her six children throughout the last 3 months of her pregnancy. He thought it would run about 50K. Other agencies told us that over the parents over the age of 35 should look elsewhere (even if we were willing to take a purple baby with one eye).There needs to be change in our (US) domestic adoption policy. That said, I hate to see IA become social policy for developing countries. Cheri Register called IA a "social experiment" since we do not know how this is going to turn out in the long run. As the adoptees get older, as donor children cohorts grow up, there might be major shifts on how we perceive forming families. So, I guess, time will tell. When people ask us why we did not adopt domestically I just *sigh*. It is so complicated– every agency and lawyer charging different fees–some race-based, other situation driven. One lawyer told us about an immediate situation for a mixed race baby, but we would have to support the mother, her boyfriend and her six children throughout the last 3 months of her pregnancy. He thought it would run about 50K. Other agencies told us that over the parents over the age of 35 should look elsewhere (even if we were willing to take a purple baby with one eye).There needs to be change in our (US) domestic adoption policy.

That said, I hate to see IA become social policy for developing countries. Cheri Register called IA a “social experiment” since we do not know how this is going to turn out in the long run. As the adoptees get older, as donor children cohorts grow up, there might be major shifts on how we perceive forming families. So, I guess, time will tell.

]]> By: Karen M http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/10/30/ack-this-disputes-my-argument/#comment-2192 Karen M Mon, 31 Oct 2005 21:44:55 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=770#comment-2192 Ony 13% of all adoptions are international? Interesting. From the people we've met here in CO who've adopted, I would have said more. The only active adoption support groups in our area are all for international adopters. Once we tell people we're an adoptive family, they always ask, "what country did you adopt from?" You can hear the jaws drop when we say "US". We're still wrestling with a second adoption, but I'm almost positive it will be a) from foster care and b) not an infant. Ony 13% of all adoptions are international? Interesting. From the people we’ve met here in CO who’ve adopted, I would have said more. The only active adoption support groups in our area are all for international adopters.

Once we tell people we’re an adoptive family, they always ask, “what country did you adopt from?” You can hear the jaws drop when we say “US”.

We’re still wrestling with a second adoption, but I’m almost positive it will be a) from foster care and b) not an infant.

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