I had a huge long entry
Oct 27, 2005 Adoption
I worked on it for about an hour but then I realized I had no point so I deleted it. It was about whether there is a shortage of healthy infants available for adoption (well, shortage is an odd term) and whether there are more black babies (no, actually, there are fewer black babies available but then there are fewer waiting families for black babies — still there isn’t an abundant supply of healthy, black infants just waiting for parents but languishing in foster care because racist white people won’t aprent them — that’s a myth) and whether infertile people should get to adopt before fertile people (my answer? no).
But then it got boring.
When infertile people bash fertile people for adopting, well, that’s not very nice. And when fertile people bash other fertile people for NOT adopting, that’s not nice either. My gosh, build your family the way you are led, too. Be honest about your motives. Deal with your issues. Be kind to your children. Be kind to each other. (sigh)
My hits are up but my comments are down. Anyone have anything to ask/say? Somebody rev me up!
October 27th, 2005 at 2:32 pm
There’s been a definite decline in comments at my blog, too. I thought it was just me, but maybe it’s not. ‘Tis the season, perhaps.
October 27th, 2005 at 2:56 pm
I’m afraid I won’t be getting anyone fired up today, but I did want to say that I read your blog all the time, Dawn, but I don’t often comment. I only have to time to read blogs while nursing my 1 yr old and I need to hold him with one hand, so I can’t type easily.
My lack of comments does not equal a lack of interest nor a lack of appreciation.
October 27th, 2005 at 6:09 pm
did it get boring for you? or was it objectively boring?
i, for one, have learned a lot about adoption, and open adoption in particular, from your blog. in general, you have opened my mind to various ways of building a family. the messiness and the joy.
so yes, i think the bottom line is ‘dont bash each other’ but you definitely know more than i do about all this, and i’m always interested in your well thought out posts. gives me something to chew on.
October 27th, 2005 at 6:31 pm
I, for one, would be interested in what you have to say about the above. If it reaches levels of boredom not acceptable for your blog, will you send it along to me? I’ve had a bit of an ethical mindf*ck lately over the numbers of babies/transracial placements dilemma and have found good statistics hard to come by.
But yes, definitely, I stand by people’s rights to define what family is for them. At the end of the day, no matter what the numbers say, family=love, not family=you-didn’t-take-my-baby or family=biological connection, or even family=children.
October 27th, 2005 at 6:55 pm
Gosh, when put on the spot, I find myself unable to come up with cogent questions. Dying to know what the book’s about, but obviously can’t ask that. Hmm.
Do you think Karl Rove will be indicted?
What do you feel is a root cause behind these so-called “mommy wars,” which range from breast vs. bottle to working outside the home vs. staying at home the things you mentioned about fertile women adopting? I have my own ideas, and am curious to hear yours (my least favorite response? One I don’t anticipate hearing from you but of course will accept and just have to disagree with? “women are just LIKE that; they’re backstabbers”).
Like Chris, I read often–daily, in fact–but seldom comment. No nursling to blame; just usually nod my head furiously and give thanks that you’re blogging.
October 27th, 2005 at 6:55 pm
And why must children wait to load their diapers until the last moment you’re about to leave the house? Huh?
October 27th, 2005 at 8:46 pm
I also believe people should add to their families however they feel lead. But, it does make me a little uncomfortable to read about Angelina Jolie loving a country so much she decides to adopt a child from it. (Who knows, maybe that was a comment falsely attributed to her.) Something about that feels off.
October 27th, 2005 at 9:59 pm
Dawn,
You always spark my interest and make me consider ideas. I’m an adoptive mom because it was the ONLY way I could build a family. And I have to admit in my dark heart when I was wanting a family so badly that I didn’t have a lot of empathy or understanding about people who chose adoption after having biological children or chose to adopt even though they could have biological children. I’m over most of my judgmental feelings in this area because I have two great kids thanks to adoption–and they are the kids of my dreams. But the truth is my path to adoption was very different than a person who had other options and decided to adopt. That’s a reality. But the end result is all about happy families, and that’s where I put my focus today.
Keep on writing, Dawn.
HMBalison
October 28th, 2005 at 9:38 am
You are not alone!! I think everyone’s comments are low.
We adopted a set of black twins. We didn’t specify a race or multiples, just took what we got. I have a feeling that we were bumped up on the ‘list’ because the twin’s caseworker also worked with one of our teens and she really liked us. At 18 mo. they are healthy and smart and beautiful and can climb anything and get through almost any childproof lock.
October 28th, 2005 at 10:08 am
I have to admit that one of the reasons it was hard to bring Mason into our family (he was a kinship adoption) was that it felt gluttonous when so many infertitles were starving. I felt guilty that there were so many couples who would worship the ground this child toddled on, and we were so conflicted about adding another child to our lives. Now finally, over 2 years later I am at peace with it, but it has truly only been a couple of months that I have felt this was the “right ” thing for all concerned. Including the unknown waiting family he may have gone to. I truly believe we are the perfect fit and that is why we have him, our 4th cup runneth over child.
October 28th, 2005 at 11:18 am
When I read the commenter on Karen’s blog that said she had waited 2.5 years for a child, I admit I first thought, “Maybe she was waiting for a white child or something,” but then I continued and it said she was adopting from China, so it couldn’t be that. Then she went on to explain that she had been waiting for a placement of any race, and older toddlers too, and I have to say it did throw me off.
I think I have been comforting myself for a while by clinging to the idea (however incorrect) that there will eventually be a baby for you if you are not limiting the pool by race. If there’s no truth in that, I feel like we have no chance of being matched, ever. What else do we have going for us? How can this happen for us if it didn’t happen for the commenter on Karen’s blog? And then I get anxious about the whole thing.
October 28th, 2005 at 12:34 pm
Your page is black when I go to read your blog, and then takes FOREVER to load - may just be my computer/browser. Definitely always worth the wait though…
October 28th, 2005 at 1:11 pm
I wonder if the reason some people ‘trash’ other people’s choices is that there is so much pressure to be a perfect parent today. Everywhere you look some ‘expert’ is telling you what you must do so that you won’t damage your children. And it is all conflicting advise. Because of the pressure, people feel they need to defend their choice as the ‘correct one’. As if there are absolutes in having a family or raising children. I frequently remind the parents I deal with that their parents might have made mistakes but they turned out well. Parents shouldn’t worry so much. Most kids turn out great!