Good birthmothers
Kateri has been going through some shit but it’s going to be good at the end. She’s coming out of this stronger and more confident. It just sucks — SUCKS — that her first daughter’s adoptive parents are being idiots about this. It makes me angry because it’s their daughter who will suffer for their choices and I don’t get why they don’t understand that. /rant off
But I wanted to talk about something Kateri wrote here:
Open adoption has created a new standard for Good Birthmothers. It used to be that a Good Birthmother was the one that never comes back. I’m supposed to be the New Good Birthmother, always understanding, always willing to defer to the judgement of the adoptive parents for the good of the child, always grateful for every crumb of respect that I’m thrown. I’m supposed to be endlessly available without ever venturing an opinion.
When I was interviewing the antiadoption activists, several said that the only reason J appeared happy was that she had to lie to me (and to herself) in order to retain access to Madison. Not being J, there was no way for me to argue with them about this. I mean, they could be right no matter how much I wanted to say they were wrong.
I want to believe that J is still happy with us — I do believe she is for the most part — but you know, when she came over and saw Madison’s room, I felt bad. See, Madison’s room isn’t done yet. It’s not painted, it has no rug, and it has boxes in it. I’m afraid that J has this picture of how Madison’s room ought to be and I’m screwing it up.
It’s not the room — the room isn’t that important — it’s that this represents all of the decisions I make and which J might feel she has to go along with.
Back to the room, J comes over and I say, apologetically, “We haven’t had time to do anything yet but I’ve been meaning to ask you about the color…”
I really do value J’s opinion because she’s an artist and she has an eye for things but she and I both know that whatever she says, I still make the final call about what color Maddie’s room is going to be. She could say purple and I could say, “Yeah, well, the thing about purple is…” and we both know then that her opinion is only going to matter if it fits into my idea about how the room is going to turn out anyway.
So J has a choice here — she can state an opinion and back it up firmly or she can acknowledge that her opinion only goes so far and take a safe approach. (She took a safe approach — she was noncommittal then murmured sounds of approval while looking at our paint swatches.)
It’s uncomfortable to live with such obvious privilege. It makes me squirmy. It reminds me of when I was working at one childcare site where all the kids were black and I was pretending they were all the same as me (white) and calling that open-minded. In the same way, I ask J about paint pretending that we both don’t know that I call the decorating shots.
I hope that — and I believe that — openness can be forgiving if we all have patience with each other. I try not to let my own insecurities scare me into being stupid.
For example, while I understand that right now I have all the control, I have internalized the idea that biology — given the chance — will trump all the day-to-day caring I do and that Madison will wake up one morning and stop loving me. I won’t let my decisions about J come from that place of fear because I do believe that there is a moral truth to open adoption, which is to default to welcome and celebration. What if Madison stops loving me? It doesn’t make her relationship to J any less important. And frankly, in my heart of hearts — past the fear — where I live closest to that moral truth, I believe that being welcoming to J will ultimately benefit my relationship to Madison. I believe that where Kateri’s daughter’s adoptive parents are most screwing up is believing that by pretending that Kateri doesn’t matter they will secure their daughter’s love (if this is what drives their beliefs — I have no idea of course what’s really in their heads). Just the opposite, I think.
This has always been a tough one for me. On the one hand, adoptive parents really do have to make all of the decisions for the child and do what they feel is in her best interest. On the other hand, like all parents, they don’t do that all that all the time. In the case you mention, it looks like E’s adoptive parents are making a mistake in trying to overprotect their daughter.
Once in awhile those fears used to visit me. I can tell you though as Mallory has gotten older they have pretty much vanished altogether. The kid that can sometimes barely contain her contempt for me will still sit in my lap (all 115 lbs of her) or call me “Mommy” when upset. Our relationship is real and genuine and runs the whole spectrum that parent/child relationships are supposed to run. Biology can’t trump years of forging our lives together. Noelle will never replace me. I believe that open adoption pretty much assures me of that. We have shown there is a role for both of us for over 14 years. One of us can never trump the other, our roles are unique. They run concurrently.
I think with closed adoption and search and reunion there may be a period of time where an adoptee just has to immerse themselves in a new found birth family. My child won’t need to do that.
Oh and the “good birthmother” thing. I think Noelle may have felt it more when we were all younger. I have constantly asked her opinion on things. But yes ultimately the decision is mine. She said the only time she disagreed with my parenting was when I pierced Mallory’s ears. My guess is there may have been others that she didn’t share.
Acknowledging that Madison’s room isn’t really the issue here– why couldn’t J make the decisions regarding decorating the room (assuming she wanted to, those things stress me out!)? It’s still an act of privilege to allow her to do so . . . and maybe she doesn’t want these responsibilities . . . but anyway– if she decorated the room & you hated it, there are no consequences to that. The wrong color will not be harmful to anyone, y’know? It may be like choosing J’s name choice– not what you’d have chosen, but not harmful and still something that “allows” J to touch Madison’s life everyday.
And I have NO adoption experience, but i will offer by assvice/opinion– with my beloved cat, my friends would come over and I was insecure and would tell them, “Don’t let him love you!!!!” lest he attach to them instead. When Steven was born, it was really neat to realize that I felt safe - the fact that I was his mom everyday meant no one could usurp my position, ever. And so where I would’ve expected to say “Don’t let him love you!!” I instead found myself being excited to see him feel love. So I think you’re safe with Madison. I mean, you could’ve decided to “have” a new dad at 12, but it would not have changed all the ways that (crappy) guy WAS your dad.
I don’t know if I made any sense . . .lol
I think that one of the (many!) differences between you and E.’s parents is that you are conscious of the power you have and you are conscious of how it affects J. They have no such awareness. I think that even if J. does disgree with you about something, your attitude will allow her to feel like she is entitled to her own feelings on the matter even if it doesn’t change what you do. And I think, on the big stuff, (like, um, closing the adoption for example) she would feel like her opinions do count for something. You care about what she thinks because you care about *her* as a person.
People within families disagree all the time. My relatives don’t agree with everything I do with Naomi, but it’s clearly my choice to make. It doesn’t affect their ability to love her or vice versa.
my husband met his biomom after being in a closed adoption for 25 years (such things as open were not allowed in 1977 Quebec). It was always assumed one day he’d look her up. His mom was very open and helpful with him.
There is a certain… familiarity… between them, and a bond, but, both of them (her moreso than him even) don’t feel she’s “mom” at all. I mean at all. We have dinners together and socialize and all but… well.. she’s biomom not Mom! Period. And this is having an extremely supportive family (we do family dinners as one big huge group). Interestingly, he considers her sons his brothers, not not her his mother. He says this is because Mother is a role, brother is simply, biology. Ha. I smirk and tell him that’s simply proof he’s an only child