“Being poor is getting tired of people wanting you to be grateful.”
Sep 3, 2005 Shelter
When I was working at the shelter I was surprised that sometimes clients didn’t say thank you when we took them to the food closet. I was surprised when they tried to grab an extra bottle of shampoo. I expected gratitude.
I was a good person helping out people, that’s what I thought. I felt moral for working in the shelter because a lot of people don’t want to work in shelters. I felt righteous for saying to myself, “These clients are human beings.” I felt smug because I stayed late to staff the crisis line instead of going home to my crisis-free life.
I saw the error of my ways after the first month of working there but it was a month too long. After that it was easy to spot the other do-gooder volunteers with the beatific smile that only experience can wipe off of your face.
I learned that you either help people or you don’t. Either we all deserve food and shelter or none of us do.
That first month I opened the food closet with a fluorish, I handed them tampons like they were a gift. I beamed when they thanked me.
I’m ashamed of that now.
My co-workers set me a good example. I saw that when you hand someone something they need, you do it without fanfare. You hand a woman menstrual pads the same way you would hand your best friend a pen. It’s not about you, it’s not about them; you see a need and if you can, you fill it.
Morality abhors a vacuum.
September 3rd, 2005 at 1:11 pm
Bang!
Right on the nail head.
You hand it to someone just as if someone were handing it to you.
This should be mandatory reading for everyone.
September 3rd, 2005 at 2:46 pm
That is great advice. I try to remember that I am one step away from that being me. Just one step.
September 3rd, 2005 at 2:47 pm
thank you. I agree this should be mandatory reading and I also agree that gratitude should not be expected for fulfilling basic human needs. Kindness, on the other hand, should. You get both issues so on target…right now I wish I was you and I had written that post.
September 3rd, 2005 at 4:33 pm
Very well said.
September 3rd, 2005 at 5:27 pm
What a beautiful post.
It’s my first time here and I’m so glad I came and found this.
I’ve often tried to explain that to people but you did it so well that I can now quote you.
September 3rd, 2005 at 5:55 pm
You have such a wonderful way with words, Dawn.
September 3rd, 2005 at 6:33 pm
I think that expecting gratitude is missing the point completely; I mean, if you give in order to get something back it’s not giving, right? Our mothers making us write thank-you notes for Christmas gifts is not the same, and I think some people treat it like it is. THANK YOU (har, har) for reminding everyone of this, Dawn.
Plus there’s the whole power relationship of having and not having, and of saving, that changes nothing and reinforces the inequities that create the situation in which there are, well, haves and have-nots.
September 3rd, 2005 at 7:36 pm
This is one of those times when I’m so glad for blogs. I’ll remember this post, and the post you linked to, well, probably forever. Thanks Dawn.
September 3rd, 2005 at 7:43 pm
Well said. Thank you, Dawn.
I don’t remember who pointed me to your site, but I’ll probably keep returning here — I’ve liked it since I first saw it a few weeks ago.
September 3rd, 2005 at 7:43 pm
Damn, Dawn this is great. I will be posting it.
September 3rd, 2005 at 9:40 pm
Right on!
Dawn, what are your feelings regarding the responses to disasters that happen all at once such as this hurricane with respect to the much lesser responses to ongoing disasters such as homelessness and poverty?
September 3rd, 2005 at 10:38 pm
Thanks for a very thoughtful post. I have the unusual perspective of being on both sides of that equation at the same time. My family has had to deal with a long-term unemployment situation and I am chronically underpaid in my job as a payroll coordinator for a firm that hires many otherwise unemployable workers as homemakers- I’m kind of like a second mom to many of these young ladies. People just want respect, that’s all.
September 4th, 2005 at 1:02 am
thanks for posting this, and the link.
September 4th, 2005 at 1:26 am
I bought a homeless man a hamburger (which he had asked for) when I went to the McDonald’s for a coffee today. I didn’t really expect a “thank you”, but I was rather taken aback when he said: “and do you have some money too?” Understandable, I guess - a person who’s given one thing is likely to give more … but still.
September 4th, 2005 at 1:37 am
I saw that attitude too - from the other side. I love you to bits for posting about this. Thank you.
September 4th, 2005 at 2:46 pm
yes, this is an important lesson to learn. I recently worked with volunteers from a local church who wanted to help renovate people’s homes. The first home they did for a woman, her daughter and granddaughter. The group then met with me and said that they felt the woman “wasn’t grateful” enough for the work they had done and the things they had provided.
Your post helps put things in perspective.
September 4th, 2005 at 9:54 pm
I learned a lot from this post. Thanks for writing it.
September 4th, 2005 at 11:35 pm
Is it really gratitude that’s expected or just courtesy? Even if it’s only responsive courtesy. I don’t need or even really feel comfortable with the idea that someone would feel grateful to “me” for giving them toothpaste, money or food. But I would hope for courtesy…when a friend hands me a pen, I say “thank you.” Heck, I’d respond the same to someone I even dislike.
September 6th, 2005 at 4:44 am
Oh, I never commented, I could have sowrn I had. What can I say but you are brilliant, you are fabulous, I am grateful you write. I had quite thought of it this way but yes. And I will never ever beam. This is my promise.
September 7th, 2005 at 2:18 pm
I don’t remember who wrote it, but this poem, printed here in it’s entirety, summed up the attitude about being poor I saw from the adults around me:
They don’t give me welfare.
I take it.
July 6th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
I am commenting almost two years later (!) but wanted to add that I think the issue of “gratitude” for being helped with needs (rather than wants) boils down to this–we wouldn’t have this issue at all if there weren’t such glaring disparities between the “haves” and “have nots” in our world. Basic needs are those things that most of us take for granted that we can get for ourselves (like tampons…) Having to always ask for things the rest of us take for granted gets wearing.
Also, even though those volunteers who “expect” gratitude may feel that they are helping “other human beings,” they are really still seeing them as objects, as an “outgroup” that is different from them; i.e., they are poor (and I am not) so they SHOULD be grateful that I’m helping them.
That being said, most of us work best on a program of positive reinforcement–it’s just human nature…