Thanks for letting me bitch
Aug 24, 2005 The Story of My Life
I slept for an hour, Madison is still sleeping, it’s a beautiful day. Someone did call for Noah to have a playdate but since I didn’t feel safe driving and her car only seats two in the back, we had to say no. It was a big deal that I said no because generally I say, “Why yes! Of course!” and then I hang up the phone and cry. Instead I hung up the phone and Noah cried.
So for those of you who suggested calling for help, are you any good at that? Because I’m really not. Says one of my L friends, “You’re really bad at being vulnerable, aren’t you?” I took offense to that; it made me feel vulnerable to hear her say it. (Seriously.)
I just don’t ask for help much. And if I do, I feel so guilty that I end up heaping more on my plate like baking cookies for them while I should be sleeping. I can accept help, sometimes. My mother-in-law will come take the kids but it’s hard for me to ask her to do that for something not concerete (like I can ask for an appointment but because I want to take a nap? No way).
My mom is the same way as is her mom. It’s in the Roland genes, perhaps.
I don’t even like writing this entry because I know people will say things like, “Dawn, if you ever need help, let me know.” And I will write back, “Thanks but everything is just great and I never need help!” Or, “Dawn, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.” And I will write back, “Thanks! I will make a note of it!” But then I will secretly think, “I’ll show them! I’ll do it all myself!”
But in any case, the nap worked, coffee is now in my system. All is well.
August 24th, 2005 at 1:37 pm
I used to suck at it more than I do now.
Not that I ask for it much, but I know that I will if I really need it.
Weird but it is like a coping thing. I know I will do it if I really have too, so I don’t usually really have to.
Or maybe the people I do it with and I have sort of a weird code. Now that I think about it.
Sort of a way of saying I need some help, without saying it. They pick up on it and do it rather than offer.
It doesn’t happen a lot but sometimes it does and we all save face.
Also there have been times when I asked and getting the help was less nice than I thought it would be sooooo….it made it easier not to ask for it again.
One thing I am better at is being really clear with the kids about what I can and cannot handle on given days.
They are older now and that can be helpful.
Sometimes.
Good question.
I will be thinking about it a bit more.
Glad you had a nap.
August 24th, 2005 at 1:45 pm
I am so much the person you describe. I cannot ask for help. It makes me feel more vulnerable than just dealing with the load myself. I hope to overcome this someday, especially since our first child is due next month. However, I seriously doubt anything will change since I have been this way for 31+ years. *sigh* I know your dilemma well.
August 24th, 2005 at 2:18 pm
LOL I just heard a term the other day that I liked “terminal self sufficient” if I ever had a case of something I would say that was it. Good luck with treatment and let me know if you find a cure…. LOL but I probably won’t take it if you do find one.
August 24th, 2005 at 5:36 pm
I do think it is terribly hard to ask for help. When Josh was out of town for over a month it killed me to ask for help or ask people to keep me company, but I knew I’d go crazy from the loneliness if I didn’t.
I’m glad you are feeling better, though!
August 24th, 2005 at 7:28 pm
I’ve gotten pretty good at asking certain people for help, but not just anyone. What sucks, is when the people I’m okay with asking aren’t available. It always seems to happen that way.
On the other hand, those people are available a lot of times when I don’t particularly feel the need but I get some help anyway and that’s nice.
I certainly have been known to pick up the phone and demand Cole come home immediately. But that was when the baby was brand new. I am hoping not to need to do that as much this semester.
Boy do I know what you mean about the car, though. Even when I think I’m getting decent sleep, it seems the sleep-deprivation shows up first in my driving.
August 24th, 2005 at 8:15 pm
What are blog friends for if not for bitching to?
I know (sort of) how you feel - or have done in the past - and sympathise. I hope Madison goes back to sleeping all night soon. And that your insomnia settles down.
Anyway, glad you had a nap.
August 24th, 2005 at 10:52 pm
How about I wrestle you to the ground and beat you with help until you surrender? In an Internet sort of way, of course.
I’m rotten at asking for help, too. It’s a disease. Right now it’s being forced on me, and while I’m grateful, I’m guilty.
But vent at me any time. I’m serious. I’m here, hon, even if I reply a couple hours later.
August 24th, 2005 at 10:57 pm
Hey, I definitely feel you on the sleep thing, the asking for help thing, all of it. Hope you start to feel better soon.
August 24th, 2005 at 11:34 pm
Why do you usually cry after putting the phone down when N’s been invited on a playdate?
August 24th, 2005 at 11:50 pm
Wow, well said. And I hope you feel better. I’m not sure if I have commented before. I’ve enjoyed your site and your joyful kid stories (and the drama and the house lately and your writing too). I have been having a terrible week with the kids–no activities planned as it is the off weeks before school starts. And I think I placed it when I realized I was probably lonely–not that the kids weren’t a handful today. They were probably bored as well. But ask for help? Unheard of. I couldn’t look at the calendar and arrange some diversions with people I like? No sirree. Good luck.
August 25th, 2005 at 1:37 am
egads, I can so identify with what you said about feeling you need to make them cookies instead of sleeping etc, to pay them back for helping you out. I tend to do most everything myself. Though sometimes I express that I don’t have anyone to ask for help and the darndest people offer to help that I didn’t expect. And then I can be pretty much ok with accepting it. But I like tradeoffs where we are equal (like I babysit your dog and then you owe me one so I feel fine asking)… then I don’t feel like I am imposing. I hope you get some help offers that you can accept!