J leaves on Wednesday
We haven’t seen her at all lately (she went on vacation and got back about a week ago) but she was calling and we were making plans and then she was breaking plans. I knew it was all last minute — she has a lot of friends to see, her job to finish up on, the new boyfriend who is actually worth her time. But I had this epiphany the other day that I was pressuring her a bit and gee, I’m kind of an idiot because I hadn’t really thought that maybe seeing Madison over and over when she is getting ready to leave might not be the best thing for her mental health.
See, I was thinking, “Wow, she’s going to need a lot of Madison time before she goes!” So I was talking to her about trips to the zoo or to the butterfly exhibit at the conservatory or hanging at the pool. And she wasn’t taking us up on it, although she was all enthusiasm on the phone and it took awhile for me to figure it out. I feel like a bit of a doofus. Anyway, I emailed her a long note saying that I hadn’t been very considerate about how hard this must be and that I was sorry for that. And I said that however she needs/wants to say good-bye to Madison, I will make sure that happens and that I will NOT be hurt if we see less of her because we understand and love her and trust her and will miss her but hey, she’ll be back. We’ll still be family. Like she needs the guilt, right? She already feels guilty for moving on with her life when it means taking her away from Madison. Her plan was always to go away somehow but then after Madison arrived, she felt like she could never leave Ohio. It’s taken her awhile to feel ok to get on with things but it’s still not easy.
She called me the day after she got the email and told me exactly when she wanted to see us next, very firmly, and exactly how.
Between you and me, I am bummed that we haven’t seen her more but, jeez, what was I thinking? I can be so clueless and selfish.
We will see her swear in on Wednesday morning and we’re having lunch and hanging out Tuesday afternoon.
Can I tell you? I’m scared about this. I’m scared that being away from Madison will be easier than being here and we’ll never see her again. I’m proud of J for doing what she needs to do even though it’s so hard on her — don’t get me wrong — but what if she disappears from our lives for good? It happens and I understand why it happens.
I can’t let my imagination run away with me. I need to remember that right now, this is about supporting J. I can’t control the future and whatever happens next, we have been enormously lucky for the past 17 months. Nothing will change that.
Dawn,
I always think a lot with your posts, and this one made me think.
I understand about viewing the situation the way you did and not realizing right away what J is feeling. I did that with photos. I used to send my son’s birthmother huge 8×10s, tons of photos, frames to display them. Then, when I went to her house, I didn’t see them anywhere. I realized that maybe she had her own life and putting all these pictures up was painful–for her or people in her life. I quietly sent her a photo album after that so she could put photos there. I didn’t stop sending pictures, but I realized for her, getting a huge photo of her birthson was a different experience than I realized.
I can also understand your feelings about possibly losing connection with J. It happens. It has happened to us with my kids and some of their bio family. It hurts. It makes me feel sad sometimes. But, I can tell you honestly that it seems to hurt me, the parent, more than it hurts the kids. They are young enough at this point not to feel the absence as something they discuss all the time. So, I think I can speak from experience that I believe Madison, who is completely beloved by many, many people, will not walk around with some huge emotional/psychic scar–if the connection with J changes the way you are worried about.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself with not “getting it” with J right away. You as an adoptive mom, are coming from a loving place toward J, and you aren’t perfect.
HMBalison
It is going to be hard to have J be so far away, out of the bubble of protection.
That is the way I think of it, when people are close enough physically to me, they are within my bubble of protection.
you know, the other day when you posted this, i had this lengthy reply drafted in my head but no time to sit down and write it out. now i can’t remember a damn thing.
one thing: it probably IS easier being away than it is being there. i know it is for me, anyway. but ‘easier’ doesn’t mean that i don’t keep in touch with jonathan and his family still, and that i don’t still see them quite often compared to the adoption arrangements most people have. and J. definitely sounds involved and caring and interested enough to not drop off the radar even if she’s relocating and making some life changes. the relationship and the contact will just be a little different than it has been.
and reading HMBalison’s reply made me laugh. jonathan’s mom continues to do the same thing with me - i have STACKS of 8×10 pictures of that boy. for christmas last year they gave me a nice frame with a (smaller) portrait of him in it, saying that it was for me to put on my desk when i got the job i was searching for. well, none of those 8×10s are up anywhere in my apartment, and that frame isn’t on my desk at work. it’s not that it’s painful at all, but there are plenty of reasons i don’t have them up. the primary one is that i’m simply not an 8×10-on-the-wall person, & additionally prefer the more casual snapshots i have of him than the posed portraits. i don’t have the frame on my desk because someone works at my desk on my days off to cover the phones, and i don’t want to impose my stuff on her. the other issue, which is more true at work but can also apply at home, is that having pictures up invites questions from everyone who sees them. it is not painful for me to talk about my adoption experience, but there are plenty of people i’m simply not interested in explaining it to - especially since it’s never a short conversation. i don’t want to have to explain the last five years of my life to the strange woman in finance who comes to a meeting in my office, nor do i want to deal with the assumptions she will make about my politics based on that choice. nor do i want to have to explain my politics to avoid those assumptions. etc.
looks like i had plenty to say, despite forgetting my original thoughts!