Work was hellish today
I think it’s calmed down now, thank goodness.
I need to rewrite the stuff under the “about me” column there on the right. Last night I stayed up late adding in some writer quotes for the random script just under there. It made me feel all kinds of writerly inspiration.
Every once in awhile (who am I kidding — quite often) I have moments of panic that I am Middle Aged (35) and am not having the writing career I meant to. (You know those t-shirts from the 80s that said, “I left the baby on the bus!” Well, I left my career on the bus. Oops.) But then I figure that I’ve only been an adult since I was 20 and look how much I’ve learned in the past 15 years. Not just writing-wise but everything-wise. And then I think that if I get another 35 years (I plan on getting more), imagine how much more I could do! And then I get happy.
I was looking at Madison’s wee-baby pictures and thinking about how much she cried back then and feeling like it was probably a good thing that her infancy was so hard. If it wasn’t, I would surely be thinking about adding to our family again and that would be a not-so-great idea. The truth is, the way I want to do motherhood is kind of incompatible with doing some other things I want to do — at least when they’re small. I am more than willing to be in something of a holding pattern once again with Madison but I’m looking forward to all the things that come next. It just gets (physically) easier from here on out and knowing that makes it less difficult to spend a lot of time lying on the floor while Madison lifts my shirt to give my tummy kisses repeatedly, or climbs on my head, or bops my nose and says, “Beep!”
It’s so good to know for certain that there’s time enough for everything (since I saw Noah grow and give me time as he got older). And it’s so good to have this blog so that everyday I write something, even if it’s small. And it’s so good to have time now and then to write more, too. And finally, it’s so good to have my hellish job, which lets me write as I can without panic since the bills are already paid. It used to be I would freak out about not doing more More MORE since we were broke. But now it’s all right if I’m not querying or even producing and writing for writing’s sake is such a pleasure.
In my yoga book there is a line about how peace is not the absence of motion, but harmony in motion, like a spinning top (even when it wobbles). Your “it’s good” statements reminded me of that–you are truly practicing mindfulness
Fellow writer here (well, currently working as an editor)… I often say that my ambition fell behind the couch sometime in 1999. Haven’t seen it since. Can’t be bothered to look under all the other stuff back there to find it.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I was saying the same thing to a friend yesterday, that if Lila had been even just a wee bit easier, I’d probably be pregnant again, or something. But I am certain that I don’t want to go through THIS again. We’re enough, and I’m trying to not look too far ahead for other things I want to do along with motherhood.
There is something to Fate, I believe. You are on the right path for you. Enjoy the journey!!
Gene Wilder’s autobiography is quite nice - fate filled events WERE his life. Nice entry!
Can I have some of what you’re having?