Questions questions questions
From BJ, aka purpleaster, which I always read as “purple eater” as in “flying purple people eater” and then as “purple easter” but just now as I typed the handle here, I got it. I smacked my forehead and said, “Duh! As in a flower!”
Anyway, here are BJ’s questions, “But, a followup question is how many picture books did you have as a child? I’m a weird case, ’cause I was 6 when I came to the US, but I probably had about 10 picture books, compared to my daughter & son’s 100s.”
We had all of the available Dr. Seuss books, I remember that. And we had a bunch of Little Golden Books before they became corrupted by movie tie-ins. I’m pretty sure we didn’t have as many as Noah and Madison have now but I know we had enough that visiting friends would say, “Wow! Look at all your books!”
We also had bookshelves in our rooms sagging with chapter books. We got boxed sets every Chanukah (Little House books for me, Mary Poppins for my sister; Moomins for me, The Borrowers for my sister) and as a special treat, my dad would take us to the bookstore when he was home on weekends to pick out a new book. And I remember one rainy, dreary day when my mom surprised me by pulling Anne of Green Gables out of her closet and saying, “I’ve been saving this for you.” Bliss!
“But, are you able to replicate [freedom to roam] for Noah (and Madison)? How does homeschooling play into it? I’ve always thought that homeschooling brings the child into the limits of the family and parental desires. Do you find that not to be the case? Do you find that by homeschooling you can allow Noah his own separate existence?”
I can’t replicate this for Noah and Madison because of where we live and because there isn’t a housewife behind every door ready with band-aids and snacks should a child in need come knocking. Sometimes I get really sad about that. Edited to add: As I just wrote Lisa, our neighborhood is a tad unsavory, too.
It is a concern with homeschooling, that the kids have space to be away from their parents. And since they don’t have recess to learn random often incorrect facts about life and jump rope jingles, you really have to find ways to give them recess-ish times. Like where are they going to learn to sing “Never Laugh when a Hearse Goes By” if they don’t get to hang unsupervised with other children?
Fortunately my friends (including those whose kids are in school) also have this concern and so we manage to hook our children up for barely supervised play time. This also gives us time to gab. We send the children out in good weather or upstairs/downstairs in bad and tell them not to bother us unless there’s blood. (A line I got direct from my mom.) They surface occasionally to ask for food (we direct them to the cupboard) but generally we don’t see them for hours.
But BJ gives me a chance to talk about the other great thing with my mom, which is this: She wasn’t interfering. Now some folks say that good parenting means you’re down on your hands and knees playing on the carpet or rollicking in the backyard or finding stimulating ways to extend their play into educational directions. I think good parenting can be a lot less play-intensive. I mean, sure, if you like to play then playing is great but it goes back to that benign neglect standard, which I hold dear.
If you read the Ramona books, her mom wasn’t playing with her. If you read E. Nesbit’s books, the mom is nowhere around. Read Eleanor Estes’s books and the mom is available to dole out slices of bread and butter but she’s not scheduling large muscle play at the local gymnastics franchise. That’s why the kids have time to play brick factory and find sand fairies.
Writing this down makes me think that when we get nostalgic, we focus too much on the way our kids can’t go to the dime store to buy yo-yos and cream sodas with shiny nickels and we forget that it’s just as great to have mom leave you alone in the kitchen so you can make a big mess out of fixing your own homemade lemonade. I think it’s the unscheduled free play time that matters and that’s where my mom’s example inspires me.
I’m SO all over this. My kids play great independently because I’ve always believed that kids NEED to do that. Growing up I would lock myself in my room and read, draw, play Barbies, sing, dance, whatever for hours on end. I feel it was such an important part of my life to have that freedom. Memories of my Mom coming home with arm fulls of books for me to devour are some of my happiest in childhood. I am a very involved Mom when my kids want me to be. My 3 year old now wants to play Barbies with me and I’m thrilled (I loved playing Barbies when I was little). But I’m just as thrilled when she wants to color or listen to music or look at books by herself. I feel much more accomplished as a Mom when my kids can be happy doing their own things as opposed to expecting me to entertain them every single minute.
i so agree with you about just letting the kids play. for me, when i am involved directly in playing with the kids, i feel like i’m directing too much of it. I am very into lowtech/low budget parenting. kids don’t really need to have every hour of their days micromanaged and crammed with activities. what they DO need, is freedom just to be kids! my children love playing with each other, but when they want to spend time with me, they always ask to do what i’m doing: cleaning, cooking, reading. My job as an adult is to model behavior and to teach them how to be kind and loving, but also to function on their own. Have you noticed how much less expensive this type of parenting is, too?
I have thought this so many times, but you put it into words so much better than I could, Dawn. I see lots of friends and families playing constantly with their kids or scheduling them in 15 minute intervals and now they don’t know how to play alone! I distinctly remember playing in my room with dolls or cars or whatever struck my fancy and I wanted to be alone, because alone my imagination could run wild. Your stories always make me smile.
Yes, yes, it is purple aster, the flower. I tried all the other combinations of colors and flowers before that one worked. Most people read purple-easter (which is a bit annoying for an adamantly non-christian person).
I loved time for myself as a child, and one of the hardest things about motherhood for me has been how much of that you have to give up. I hope my kids are going to learn how to amuse themselves, but they show definite trends of wanting extreme involvement right now. We’re working on it.
Anyone else watch “Recess.” It’s a disney, and thus has all the flaws there in. But, I love the idea of an environment (recess) controlled by kids, who have their own rules, king, play, trials and tribulations, and exist independentally of adults. Kids do find time for themselves like that, even when they are supervised.
bj
bj
I’ve never played with my child - I really mean never. Apart from doing the odd jigsaw puzzle with him. And of course I have read to him a great deal. Gone on walks with him and swum with him. That’s about it. As far as playing at home goes, he’s been completely on his own, while we adults are nearby doing our own thing. I’m someone who doesn’t feel comfortable playing at a young child’s level. So I haven’t tried to.
He has an incredible imagination and is very content playing by himself. I have seen kids who are very dependent on their mothers to direct and participate in their play.
Kids’ personalities play into this as well. My older son (D — 4 1/2) since he was a baby has always wanted to be the center of attention. Even if he’s playing by himself, he wants us in the room and preferably watching him, and he really wants us to play out all the characters in the stories he’s spinning. My younger son (N — 20 months) is much more able to entertain himself than D ever was at that age (although we need to keep an eye on him, because he’s likely to draw on his legs or find something dangerous to chew on).
Some of that may be related to birth order, and the fact that N *couldn’t* have our undivided attention the way D did at his age.