One more thing
I love this post from Brooklyn Mama and she brings up exactly why I wrote the entry below. She writes:
However, I’ve become increasingly aware that there are some real divisions within the adoption community, and that some domestic adoptive parents are highly critical of international adoptive parents. This is nothing new - we all know we’re judged no matter what we do here, but it does surprise me and piss me off a little that we’re being judged within our “own” community. Although I’m not comfortable with the idea of adoption being a “noble” act, some people who have adopted domestically seem to think that adopting internationally is, I don’t know, less noble. More racist? Taking the easy way out? Using money to avoid having a black child? I don’t know. I think it’s all pretty ridiculous, to compare and judge other people’s family-building choices. I mean, do we really know what hopes and dreams and reasons drive others’ decisions? Is someone who opts to have a biological child subject to the same criticism? Do those criticizing international adopters for how much they spend on an adoption really have an idea of the international adoption process?
All of this discussion originated on another blog and that discussion was prompted by an unfortunate if honest post on Robb’s blog, The Urkel Effect. I read that when it first appeared and thought, “Thank god he knows he’s not up to adopting a Black baby.”
So there’s some finger-pointing about people who won’t adopt Black babies, to which I say, “But isn’t that a no-brainer? If someone says they’re not up to adopting a child of any race, ability or background, let’s trust them to know themselves well enough that this is a good decision.” Like open adoption — it’s not right for everybody. When people say, “I chose to do an international adoption because I didn’t feel up to the advertising or meeting a birth parent or perhaps having contact after,” I’d say, “Right on, good that you knew that.” After all, I didn’t feel up to adopting a child with certain disabilities so how can I point fingers?
There are children everywhere who need homes. None are more deserving than others. Paying X amount of money to adopt is not morally reprehensible since there are children here “for free.” Kids whose adoptions cost money need and deserve homes, too.
Hey, you never know. I may have adopted domestically because I secretly hate furriners.
Thank you, Dawn. I’ve been following that discussion, and felt a bit sorry for Rob that a comment I think he meant to be lighthearted and a bit sarcastic (although certainly poorly phrased) came under so much fire when it was taken at face value. I’ve been a little reluctant to jump in myself for fear of being misinterpreted, but I think I’ll give it a try.
I’m still struggling with the idea of interracial adoption (for myself, not for anyone else), and it has definitely forced me to look closely at my own comfort levels around racial issues. On a purely gut reaction level, I am less comfortable than I would like to be with the idea of parenting a child of another race. Not something I’m proud of, but when I’m honest with myself it’s there. Even looking just at the completely rational side of things, though, I do think that adopting interratially requires an commitment to support your child as they discover the unique gifts and challenges of their racial identity - as Dawn has with Madison’s hair, for example. And since I’ve already committed to learning more about issues around adoption in general, and single parenting, and loss/grief, and attachment, and a host of other issues (I’m considering older children), adding racial issues to my reading list feels like a bit of a burden right now.
I’m hoping that by the time I am ready to start the process, I will be more comfortable with the idea. If I’m not, though - either in terms of underlying comfort level or willingness to devote time to learning, I don’t think I would be doing a child of another race any favors by adopting them.
Dawn, great topic. I guess many people thing that adopting abroad = Russia. I’m adopting from Guatemala which means my child will not be of the same race. I have a lot of friends who have adopted from China. These children are not caucasion.
Why are people looked down upon because they know their limitations? My choices for going abroad (obviously) had nothing to do with race. It had to do with the fact that after a long battle with infertility, I couldn’t afford (emotionally) to go through an adoption where, in the end, there was a possibility of the birth parent(s) changing their mind.
I admire people for adopting. I admire people for adopting within their race, outside their race, inside their country, outside their country whatever it takes to make a happy family.
I also admire people who have their own children as well.
Parenthood, no matter how it’s achieved, is beautiful.
Just my $.02.
Thanks for posting this Dawn.
We adoptive parents face similar issues (as do our children), but of course we have our differences! We will respond differently to the particular qualities and challenges of various types of adoption. Adoption is full of challenges and full of rewards, and it is really, really really important to know just what we’re able to handle. Clearly, lots of people decide they can’t handle adoption at all, and choose to go down other routes.
Before adopting Ping, I had gone through a lot of sadness and mourning over infertility, and I just didn’t feel I could handle direct contact with a birthmother. I was scared, scared, scared and sad, sad, sad about it. I wasn’t in denial about the fact and importance of the birthmother, but I just knew my heart couldn’t handle having that relationship. Adopting an abandoned child seemed to be a better option for us. So, in addition to the logistics of a China adoption, which worked best for us, there was also a fear component.
But that’s also what I want to say - that many of our choices are based upon fear. It’s understandable, since there are lots of fears about parenting in general, and adoption in particular. Lots of biases and ignorance to surmount. But I know some of the feelings on race and adoption also come from places of fear, and I find that sad, and important to address.
I have learned so much from your adoption story, by the way. You have really opened my mind to the possibility of an open adoption. That’s the thing - I think if we can remain open to each other’s choices and not get all “holier-than-thou” about our own adoption choices, we have a great deal to gain. It’s important to dispel the fears.
I went to read Rob’s post. Someone posted a response- maybe his mom- that she didn’t care about the race, she just didn’t want it to be a fat kid. Do people really think that way? Made me so sad I couldn’t read anymore of the comments in case other people agreed with her.