More questions
Jun 10, 2005 Adoption
Jess asked: “Is Madison the only grandchild in J’s family?”
Yes, she is. I thought about this a lot because I know that in my own family, the impact of grandparenthood didn’t really click (couldn’t really click) until the grandparents got their hands on actual Noah. (He was also the first grandchild for three out of four of his grandparents. My dad started earlier.) I remember how my mother-in-law would talk about how familiar his little body was because he’s built just like Brett. Madison is built just like J was when she was a toddler. I wondered how much he was flashing back when he held her. I don’t know if our visit made things easier for him or made them harder.
Jody asked: “[B]ut where is Brett on some of these issues? Does he feel differently about the birth father than you do about J? How much of that is about fathering, and how much is about Madison’s particular birth father? What, if anything, has your experience with Madison’s birth families (especially given that you don’t have any contact with her birth father) taught you about how we in the USA think about mothers and fathers? Or is it unfair in the extreme to generalize in that way?”
Ok, Let me take these bit by bit. First off, neither of us get to think much about the birth dad because he is so adamantly not in our lives. He knows — vaguely — about the adoption but doesn’t care (Ohio law doesn’t require that he care). What little we know about him is that he’s not a really great guy so we haven’t pursued it. The way I figure it is that we’re lucky to have J in our lives and so we shouldn’t get greedy. But sometimes we all (Brett, J and me) feel angry that his life hasn’t changed at all since Madison’s arrival and that he hasn’t had to take any sort of responsibility. The other thing that makes me nuts about this is that we believe Madison may have some half-siblings out there. So the lack of birth dad talk on this blog is totally about the way things have played out in our own situation.
As to how Brett feels about it, the birth family issues are much harder for him than they are for me because he’s a very closed-in type of guy. Emotional confrontation (by which I mean confronting emotions and not emotionally confronting someone) is really hard for him. There were two reasons he didn’t come out with Madison and me. The first was that we knew that Noah shouldn’t come — we were too unsure how it would be and I was afraid that I would put too much pressure on him to “prove” our parenting abilities — so someone had to stay with him. And the second was that the thought of it made Brett’s knees start knocking together.
Brett and I have talked about how it would be if Madison’s birth dad did choose to be involved. We both feel committed to openness and Brett’s convictions on that issue are as strong as my own. However he feels that he’s gotten off pretty easy since he’s never had to deal with feeling competitive or threatened and also he laid claim to his daddy-role earlier than I was able to lay claim to my mommy-role. He has always been the only father Madison has had in her life. (In the hospital J didn’t let any non-medical men hold Madison until Brett had held her first. Stuff like that has made things easier for him.)
I’m not sure what I’ve learned about the cultural roles of motherhood and fatherhood by our adoption experience. I have very mixed feelings by the different ways the states handle birth father rights. On the one hand, as its the woman who carries the baby, I feel like most of the adoption decisions should be in her hands. And there are so many birth fathers who can and do walk away from their responsibilities so when states force potential birth moms to jump through birth father hoops in order to make an adoption plan, this pisses me off. Why make a difficult decision even harder? On the other hand, I’ve read enough grieving birth father experiences (mostly online) that I understand the need to formally give potential birth dads some power.
I don’t know. I feel really divided about it.
But there isn’t much about birth fathers out there. There’s not as much research and there aren’t as many narratives. Is this because birth dads care less? Are less aware when adoptions take place? Or is it because as a society we don’t give the same weight to their experiences? Probably all of that. Perhaps if we did give more weight, more men would take responsibility. I think it’s all very circular and complicated and I don’t think I have much intelligent to say on it since I’m still working it out.
If Brett had come out on this trip, he would have likely had to think on some of this because J’s dad is the closest we’re all going to get to a paternal birth family experience. And since J’s dad and Brett are only a couple years apart in age, it would likely be even more interesting.
Maybe Lisa (who has a good relationship with her daughter’s birth dad) or Laurel (whose husband is a caring, involved birth father) would have more to say about this. I would be interested to hear their thoughts.
And homeschooling (since you asked)! It’s going fine and yes we do feel some change in summer because some of Noah’s formal activities disappear and new ones crop up. We start seeing more of our schooled friends, too, which is great. Most recently my mom signed Noah up for a science club and Noah has announced that he no longer wants to do the activities with Brett; now he wants to do them alone but with one of us around. Specifically he said, “I want to do this at the kitchen table while you’re doing the dishes.” Between that and his sudden enormous, grown-up looking feet, I am feeling all nostalgic for small Noah.
Also career stuff (since you asked again)! I just got a nifty new assignment from a well-paying market that y’all may have actually heard of. I won’t give the name because I’m jinxy that way. It’s just a short filler (350 words) but that’s how you break into these things. And my little sister called yesterday (finally!) and will start Monday so if Madison allows (Meagan warned me to start her before Madison got all mama-clingy and I didn’t listen), I will have childcare soon. I think we’ll give the first week over to breaking in but then I have high hopes for a more productive work life!
June 10th, 2005 at 12:20 pm
Dawn,
I sure admire you for being willing to wade thru the flotsom of open adoption..I had an experience this week, and I wanted to share it. Maybe other people have had this experience, too.
We have had an open adoption with my son, who will be 11 in 2 weeks. Contact has been with b-mom, b-dad, and extended families. Contact with b-mom has been more regular, and contact with her extended family has been more regular, too. But, we have visited the b-dad and met his parents. He normally has sent birthday cards, sometimes gifts, usually a Christmas card and gifts. He’s asked for photos. I’ve always sent them.
My son looks and acts a LOT like his birthfather. His b-dad is an engineer, loves surfing, juggling…He’s a good person. He got married and has a baby girl 10 months old. We’ve often commented to my son about the ways he is like his birth family.
Recently, thru the b-mom, I discovered that the b-dad moved. Thru her prompting, the b-dad sent a change of address and URL for his web site. It was filled with photos of his baby, his parents, his wife, their new house…He hasn’t contacted my son directly in well over a year and a half. The Christmas card from them was not signed personally. I’m not sure he will remember my son’s birthday this year.
What I’m getting at is that I think the b-dad has moved on. I think we need to be careful from here on out not to make it seem like he’s more interested in my son than he really is. The last thing my kid needs as he enters preteen years is a guy out there who will blow him off.
I feel sad that this has happened…this lack of interest. I’m sad for my son. Maybe it’s hard for the b-dad now that he has his own family because he now knows truly what he gave up with adoption.
I just don’t want my son to get hurt. I know with open adoption, people who adopt often worry that the birth families might be intrusive and want too much contact. It’s weird to be on the other side–hoping for connection that will likely not continue.
My son has a great dad. He has lots of great male role models. I just have to face reality. But it’s a loss.
HMBalison
June 10th, 2005 at 1:20 pm
=oP You said my name… I feel like Rumplestilskin.
Let me come back to this in a few, I have lots of thoughts!
June 10th, 2005 at 2:04 pm
You brought up two different things.
1. birthfather responsibility or aka birthfather rights.
2. What about my homer?
I’ll answer the second question first. Homer was a rare form of birthfather apparently, staying by my side through the pregnancy and was a willing participant in the whole adoption process. While most of the time he was just hanging on to my coattails for dear life, he did make sure that he mattered through the process. That while we were sticking with each other, it was made clear that any communication offers (via our semi-open adoption) were to remain in effect for him too if heaven forbid something separated the two of us. I cannot emphasise enough how lucky I was and am to have Homer through the adoption process; he never once became the enemy which I’ll discuss later when answering question 1.
Bj’s dad worked with young adult males as a mentor, so he had no hesitation is helping instigate conversation with Homer during the interview. If you ever read through Bj’s story that I wrote, you will notice that it was Bj’s dad who went and retrieved Homer from the waiting room when my mom had alienated Homer from the labor room. Even though we (Homer and I) have had no in person contact with Bj’s parents since that hospital stay, I do know that Bj’s dad and Homer will remain absolutely connected in that balance of respect. If I had to speculate, Bj’s dad has *always* felt like Bj’s dad. There is no emotional come to terms with this role from what I can see, and the adoptive father – birth father who’s who has never ever been in question. I attribute that to Bj’s dad. That also helped Homer with the grief I think.
Homer doesn’t go out of his way to talk about Bj, but I know Homer has the rose colored glasses of shoulda woulda coulda. Homer wouldn’t actually change Bj’s life if we had the time machine, but Homer gets the gloomys from time to time over what could have been.
June 10th, 2005 at 2:24 pm
Anyways, I got real lucky getting stuck with Homer.
The other paths I have seen birthfathers go are dropping out of the picture, or fighting the adoption. Guess which is easier for the potential birthmother? While dropping out of the picture is damn hard for a birthmother, when it comes to the adoption plans it is a bit easier. When a birthfather contests the adoption plans, a whole new conflict comes up, and the potential birthmother may end up with forced parenting instead of the adoption plan. While there is much to be said about birthfather’s rights when it comes to adoption, currently this conflict seems very ugly.
As far as my own guess as to why so many birthfathers walk away, I would guess that the actual pregnancy is fairly removed from them. For the birthmother, I would compare the process to being a crash test dummy. Once pregnant, we are stuck in a car driving at some ridiculous speed out of our control, and all we can do is prepare for the inevitable crash into the brick wall. Birthfathers are asked to get in the car but aren’t forced in, and most don’t.
June 10th, 2005 at 3:08 pm
a question about birthfathers - say the b-mom had decided to parent; is there a law that then makes b-fathers financially responsible? or are they allowed to relinquish their parental rights?
just another wrinkle there…
June 11th, 2005 at 3:17 pm
Thanks for wading into these waters. Glad to hear about the professional/childcare progress, and hope to hear more about homeschooling in the future. Seems like you must have reached a happy equilibrium, because it hasn’t come up in a while! (I know an unschooling family here who uses a lot of “classes” during the year, too. It seems to be a popular model.)