Thank you thank you!
It’s much easier to answer questions than to come up with my own original content! Keep ‘em coming!
Nancy asked, “Did you get any hair feedback?”
I did actually. In that picture there below this entry? See her pony tails? They were impressed! And J’s dad reaffirmed that a good part is important. I told him I was practicing and he nodded approvingly. And it turns out that on this side of J’s family, wild, curly, unstyled hair is one of the norms. Also J’s stepmom is white, which is to say that they’re accustomed to white people learning curves about hair.
Julia asked, “Did it take you a while to get comfortable with everyone? And did you notice that male/females of the family treated you differently?”
Yes, it did take us awhile to get comfortable. Like the whole visit, really. I was told that J’s dad — who can be blustery — was on his best behavior and I certainly know that I was.
This side of the family is pretty much the male side because J’s parents are divorced. I met her steps but the real purpose of the visit was to meet her father. (Her brother, too, but he was very busy with his wedding so we didn’t see him that much.) It was nice having J’s stepmom there because she was less emotionally involved than her dad and she helped us all manage. For example, she was the one who asked us what we call J and I know she asked this because J’s dad was saying to Madison, “Oh you look like your mama! What does your mama say about that!” That didn’t make me uncomfortable but I realized that she would know better than I if it was important for him to understand that I’m the mommy and we call J this other name. We asked J when we first had Madison if she wanted any kind of “mom” word in the name Madison would use and she adamantly did not. So we use the nickname she goes by here in Ohio. (That was weird — remembering to use her real name. She’s like Dreyer’s ice cream — you cross the Mississippi and her name changes.)
I’d like to know if you and J. had any discussions about your/her feelings about the “impact of her decisions” or any heart to hearts about continuing on the course of the same open arrangement based on this visit.
Yes, lots. We often do though. This time we talked a lot about how her decision impacted the rest of her family. She was grieving hard for her family. For her father, specifically.
We also talked about how important we both feel it is to maintain openness. I told her that part of why I went out there to meet her family was to create more ties to help her stay involved even when her life takes her elsewhere, which she understood.
J very much wants Madison to know that she was around. She wants Madison to know that even though she was not ready to parent, she was a witness to her early years. She doesn’t want Madison to feel rejected and she worries that if she disappears at any time, Madison will think that it’s somehow her fault. So she is very committed to being a part of Madison’s life.
I also told her how much the social workers at the agency admired her because she was such a strong advocate for herself. I told J’s stepmom this, too, because there is some murmuring (not by stepmom) that adoption was the “easy out.” And I wanted them to know how hard it has been for J and how much credit she deserves. But one of the things that I realized and I think J is realizing is that there are some people in her life who will never be entirely happy with her decision. Ever. Although they are hopefully on their way to accepting it.
“What will contact be with the rest of the family? Grandpa? Direct or through J?”
–We’re not sure. I’ll leave that to Grandpa M’s comfort zone. But he’s talking about a visit here soon and that would be nice. He’s a pretty busy person and the truth is we live too far apart to see much of each other but if he wants to spoil Madison from afar and visit when he can, that’s a-ok with me. I can’t see us making this trip an annual thing though — too expensive and too hard. But if there was another big event, we might try to do something again.
“Did Madison get more comfortable with J?”
–Yes and no. She still won’t go to her but they have their little games now, honed on 10+ hours of airline travel.
Dawn, honestly, just when I think you couldn’t be more awesome, there you go. You astound me with how big your heart is and how much you are willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone.
Also, I was talking to my best friend from law school, who is black, about your worries about Madison’s hair. She has already heard the rest of the adoption story and is really excited and positive about it. Anyway, her suggestion (which I can’t remember if others suggested) was just to take Madison to a black hairdresser at every new stage of her hair and get advice. She said that no one could not want to help you, and would likely be willing to sit down and try new things or discuss products. I know my friend just started putting gel in her baby’s hair when she was about a year and a half to keep the curls separate and let them grow. The gel makes them heavy. Madison’s hair looks similar (from pictures) to her daughter Alexis’ hair.