A good question
Tiny Coconut asked: I want to phrase this delicately, because I don’t want you to see it as coming off as critical of you, or J, or Madison…It’s just that I’m interested in why you think Madison still won’t go to J, especially since, as you point out above, she’s hardly a stranger. Do you think Madison “remembers” her in some way and doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions that memory brings up? Is it something much more basic like a personality conflict? Or am I just reading way, way, way too much into this?
I used to think that Madison remembered her and I do think it’s possible that on a spiritual plane she does but in this grounded everyday world I think that it’s got more to do with how J approaches Madison.
I think that Madison senses how tense J gets around her. J didn’t grow up around babies, never babysat small children or planned to have kids. She isn’t that comfortable around any babies or toddlers. Then because J loves Madison so much, her stagefright is that much worse. When Madison was smaller, J worried about holding her wrong or hurting her even when we told her it was ok. And you know how babies can sense when the person holding them feels awkward.
I think their relationship will become easier as Madison gets older. I’ve seen J with her little sister (who is just a bit younger than Noah) and with her best friend’s nieces and nephews and she’s ok with preschoolers on up so I anticipate that things will get easier for her. Also Madison will know that J is her special person in a way that she can’t really understand right now.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve just caught up on about five days worth of posts here and have to say, Madison is cute as a button, just gorgeous. You’re so blessed! And I’m glad the trip went well, bumps and all. I’m glad that it was real, in the hard ways and the joyful ways. I think you deserve that, because you look to work like crazy at this mommy thing.
Welcome home!
I think I finally figured out what I wanted to say!
I think that your thoughts are fairly interesting on this trip. It’s interesting seeing for once the adoptive parent attempting to find the place within a birthfamily instead of vice-versa. Most of your adoption story has been about fitting J into your lives, and this was pretty much about you fitting into your adoptive mama role within the birthfamily.
Sure, you can disguise it behind wallflower tendancies to let the birthfamily bond with Madison on their own terms, but I think there is a powerful sub-plot having to do with defining your role in the adoptive triad. That whole figuring out what it means and how it defines you and even more important, how it affects the perception that others see of you.
Facinating stuff!