Oh goodness, it’s much too early
Yesterday was THE big family event; yesterday was the whole reason we came. It was pretty great.
At one point Madison was out on the dance floor grooving with her grandpa, her uncle and J. I sent someone out with my camera (I didn’t want to go out there because if she saw me, she might have decided that she missed me) but I bet the pics didn’t turn out (lights too low).
This visit is making J see what kind of impact her decision (the adoption decision) had on the rest of her family and it’s really hard for her. We had a lot of time to talk last night and she cried because it’s all still so hard. Madison is still shy with J. I wish she wasn’t, I wish she would go to her. She goes to J’s dad readily but it’s because he’s such a typical goofy worshipful grandparent. I think she feels J’s tension. I was really hoping that this trip would give them time to connect but the flight was pretty sucky (I’m dreading the one back even more) and now whenever they’re playing, J’s dad senses someone else is getting baby-time and swoops in.
I so wish that there was something I could do to make everything all better for J. I wish I could fix it. It’s hard to stand there holding Madison — because Madison has run over and put her arms up for me to pick her up — and know it’s killing J. We’ve spent so much time together that it’s been much more intense. I mean, J visits and sees me parenting but this is so much of the everydayness of parenting and there are all of these small things that J is witnessing.
But we — J and I — are getting closer. I told her last night that it means something that I’m still speaking to her after all of this traveling because I’m an emotional infant when it comes to traveling. (Ask Brett — he’ll tell you.) And previously the only person I could travel comfortably with was Brett. Maybe it’s my ripe old age or maybe it’s that J and I get along pretty well. In any case, for me, one of the great things about this trip is all the talking we’ve done and the covert giggling, too.
Today we’re going to the pool and I think that J might be the only one getting in with Madison? Not sure if her dad is going to get in, too, or if he’ll stay on the sidelines with his camera. I hope the latter. Madison loves the water and if the mood is right, she’ll be thrilled to play with J in there. But first we have to do 90 long minutes of church. Yikes. My brother is coming, too. Ha. That’s a good brother who’ll go to church with his niece’s birth family. Who will drive five hours to get there, sleep in his truck (although there’s a perfectly good roll-a-way in here), and get up at 7am (only to find out we’re going to the later service) to go to church despite being (last I checked) an atheist or at the very least an agnostic. I do believe this is a charismatic sort of church, too. Should be an experience.
Hello Dawn,
I am following your birth family visit with lots of interest and compassion. I”ve been where you are, and I understand much of what you are experiencing.
I think one of the things that is a hard reality about even open adoption is that the birth-mother is not the mother–she is not doing the mothering. And there is a loss with that role. And that results in a layer of loss and sadness that is there at visits even if this is unspoken. Even if you visit together A LOT. Even if your kid is friendly and warm–the birth mother is not mommy.
Over the almost 11 years since my son was born and we’ve had extended contact, I’ve watched how my son and his birth mother interact. Up to about age 3, she was a “friend” and he would hug her and be happy to see her, but this is how he treated all our close family friends. After about 3, he became more particular who he felt close to. He would be stand-offish when she first arrived (because he hadn’t seen her in 6 months or whatever) and at the end of the visit, he would hug her and say, “I’ll miss you,” or stuff like that, but it was not an automatic connection. Now he is 11, and he’s aware that we don’t seem them frequently like other people in his life who live closer. He notices that he doesn’t look exactly like her…And his birthmom has gone on to have kids, and she truly knows what she gave up when she placed him for adoption, so the relationship is a loving one, but it isn’t a demonstrative relationship and there is a layer of distance.
I think my son and his birth mom are working out what they will be in each other’s lives. I’m grateful his birthmom is letting my son take the lead, and she doesn’t push him to show more feelings that he has or is comfortable showing. I really appreciate this about her.
Here’s what I’ve always known: my son’s birth mom loves him. She loves him deeply. She wants only the best for him, and she’s willing to put her own needs and feelings aside to do the right thing for him.
You can’t take away the loss that J feels. It is real, but you are doing a good thing with this visit–living the life of a family of open adoption–it can be messy and wonderful and amazing, but it is good for Madison.
Good luck on the plane ride home. Maybe Madison will pass out for most of it????
HMBalison
Dawn, thank you for sharing your experience. Now that we are home with our kids, I often wonder about their birthparents (hindsight is 20/20) and now wish there was a way to contact them. But I guess we learn as we experience.
Yay, I am so happy that the visit is going as I had hoped. You are better than I, I always opt out of the birthfamily’s church invites.
Adoption is built on loss for all members of the triad and sometimes its so hard to be reminded of that. I think after a time J will sort through this, and so will Madison. It’s still so new. We have never spent the day in and out time you are with J right now. I think it must bring whole new insights that we don’t have with out “event” meetings. Everyone on their best behavior, and mostly socializing.
Your brother is a sweet heart. But you and Madison are worth it.
Dawn - I wish you nothing but joy in your family and all your relations. My heart aches when I read about your worry about whether Madison will go to J or about J’s dealing with stuff. Madison and J have their own processes, developmental and grief, to work through. She will come to know J in her own time. One big thing I’ve learned over time is that adoption is about sadness - for all three in the triad. It comes and goes for each member at different times throughout time. What a relief to realize that! (for me)
You’ve put into place so many wonderful things that will facilitate that relationship as M grows up. The rest is up to her. The only thing you can deal with directly is comments from any member of your families, birth, adoptive, etc., friends and strangers.