Comments on: Nat’s mama said:

By: Soper

Soper — Sat, 07 May 2005 16:11:28 +0000

I wonder how much of this study is cultural. Was it just the experience of US birthmoms? I wonder if other cultures have such an incessant need for openness. I have a feeling that the social attitudes toward adoption in a specific culture strongly influence the birthparents’ reaction.

I think we make broad assumptions about what works for the psychology of others based one what we ourselves experience. I agree, America needs a better support system for grief of all types. I agree that the individual needs to determine what is an appropriate level of interaction.

I think we also need to refrain from making broad assumptions that the experience of US birthparents is going to be the same for those in other cultures. There is a movement to close down international adoption in several countries, b/c US parents are trying to track down birthparents. In countries where unwed motherhood is taboo, this is seen as a threat. Openness may be a truly US phenom, and trying to impose it on other cultures is imperialistic (and typically American).

By: LisaV

LisaV — Sat, 07 May 2005 14:47:19 +0000

Just to quickly comment on the first study, so immediately after the adoption they experience more grief. I wonder about the long term implications. Do they fare better or worse years later than birthmoms in closed adoptions?

By: Karen M

Karen M — Sat, 07 May 2005 14:43:26 +0000

We’ve never had much of a plan either, other than knowing we wanted M *and* S (Lena’s birthfather) to be a part of all our lives. Our relationship with M has evolved slowly, over time. For the first 6 months after we were placed with Alena, we had no contact with M at all. It’s built up to seeing M at least 4X a year, and chatting on the phone/emailing frequently (at least monthly). We have no contact with S at all at this time - we have left that decision up to him. I suspect he is having a difficult time with his grief over placing Alena (based on conversations I’ve had with M), but I can’t be certain.

By: katie e.

katie e. — Sat, 07 May 2005 05:51:55 +0000

i don’t think a plan is necessary, in response to what vicki said. jonathan’s family and i have never had a plan, aside from agreeing that they’d shoot me a note and some pictures once a month for the first six months. everything else we’ve played by ear, including remaining in email touch beginning again about two weeks after he was born. the 4.5 years after those six months of pictures have been entirely unplanned, and basically great for all involved. as i’ve said before, the concerns and frustrations i’ve had with this adoption have nothing to do with grief or longing for my son, they have much more to do with basically not having anything to talk to his parents about when we are together.

By: Vicki

Vicki — Sat, 07 May 2005 05:37:03 +0000

I talked to an adoptive mom at church last week. I don’t know her but she just started telling me about her life and her kids and her adopted youngest son and his birth mom. (We were both in the mothers’ lounge area with our babies.) The thing that struck me was it didn’t seem like they have a plan. No defined way that things are supposed to be. It’s definitely not an open adoption but she still has contact with the birth mom via email. She kept talking about how she wants the birth mom to move on, she doesn’t want to be in contact with the birth mom forever; she seemed annoyed with the birth mother. I don’t know the situation but I was thinking of you and your carefully planned open adoption. It just seemed sad for everyone that they didn’t have some kind of decision of how much contact they would have before hand. I often have a problem of saying more than I should but this time I mostly just listened to this woman, she seemed like she needed it. Anyway your discussion of “moving on” reminded me of this conversation. It’s all so hard to fathom from such an outsider point of view and it just must add so much to life, complications but good things too, it seems.