Someone with better info will have to help here
Purpleeaster wrote:
Can I side with your liberal white friends here (a little bit)? I think where you’re going a bit wrong is the assumption that there’s a monolithic Black view. There can’t be. I’m Indian, and I know there isn’t a monolithic Indian view (though there are views whose mean is different from the mean White view). You’re white, and you certainly know there’s no monlothic White view.I’m actually often irritated by self-conscious liberal whites who want to be oh so culturally sensitive about my beliefs (and more specifically, when they are culturally sensitive about the beliefs they assume I have, rather than the ones I really have).
This was actually a frustration I had with the book that inspired my posts about Maddie’s hair. (Inside Transracial Adoption) There’s a lot of this: “Black people do things this way. Asian Americans do things that way.” Aren’t these stereotypes? How do we white people understand how to be discerning about the information we get about our non-white children’s birth cultures?
And how much of that birth culture can we take on before we become ridiculous? (I’m thinking of a white classmate of mine in college who liked rap a lot so he started using Black slang and wearing a kente cloth hat.) How do we share it with her and still be respectful?
I don’t know. But I included that last paragraph specifically because I’m asking for input from other people of color.
And I really need someone from the African American community who is willing to comment either here or on their blog (and leave a trackback or their url) to explain a little bit why hair is important or else take me to task for getting it wrong.
(By the way, someone said in a comment that they felt the people who admonished my friend for doing her daughter’s hair incorrectly were being rude. Let me be more clear about that: They did not march up to her and rudely tell her that her daughter’s hair was a mess. They took her aside and told her it was something that she had to learn because it was important. My impression — from when my friend told me this when we were first thinking of adopting — was that these women were concerned for her daughter and were trying to lovingly share information they felt my friend did not yet have.)
Hiya Dawn,
I saw a sign about this book, and a talk by the author, at a local Barnes & Noble ( I think the author might be in the neighborhood), and I thought of you. I’ll definitely be checking it out.
http://www.beacon.org/catalogs/sp05/rothman.html
I can’t comment on the hair… but, I wanted to say that I share your feelings about balance. How can we be something were not? How can we transmit culture when we are not part of it?
I have decided that we should celebrate the holidays with other Asian people, instead of white people with Asian kids. I don’t know how we are doing to do that, of if we’ll be accepted. Holidays can’t be the only thing…I have been thinking the only way we can transmit her birth culture is to have her around other Asian people… but then again, some 2nd generation Asians (or more) that I have met recently told me they no longer celebrate their culture, or think race is a factor in their lives. They were surprised I kept her Chinese name. They told me not to worry about these things and give her a good life. See? I don’t have the answers either, but I’ll continue to search.
Obviously, I am not in a position to explain African American hair culture, either. I think the thing I try to remember is that I want my kids to be able to choose the right balance for themselves when they get older, so I am just giving them the tools to do that.
I know it isn’t really the same thing, but it reminds me of the people who argue that we shouldn’t bother teaching our kids chinese. We seem to hear the same thing all the time: Why don’t we just wait until our kids are old enough to decide on their if they want to learn chinese? Not all Chinese American know Chinese (obviously, because A didn’t learn it growing up either), so why are we trying so hard with our kid?
To me the answer is that we want to show M (and the future kid/s) in a really tangible way that we value their heritage. Chinese lessons are a pain and they cost money, but I don’t want our kids to grow up thinking we were just picking the parts of their culture that was convienient for us (holidays, food, tchochkes, etc.)
If they grow up and decide they want to learn Spanish, cool. If they only want to speak english, cool. But by providing access to Chinese language, they have a greater opportunity to really immerse themselves in Chinese/Chinese American culture if they want to. It would be much harder to do that when they are older.
Once Madison/your family finds a community welcomes and loves Madison so she can feel good about being African American/biracial, maybe it won’t matter so much. But what if NOT doing her hair was the barrier that prevented her from finding that community?
Since you haven’t found that community yet, I think that it is a good idea to be extra cautious with appearances. Besides, we all know that J. wants the best for Madison. If she told you that messy hair shows that a mother doesn’t care enough to take care of her child, it sounds like it is important to her and she is giving you a clear way to indicate how much you love and care for Madison. Just my $2.00.
For what it’s worth, my next door neighbor who just moved would allow her daughters’ hair to go free until about the age of 2, then they got the woven braided extensions. (They were from Ghana, not sure if it makes a difference.)
In my son’s 1st grade class, it runs about 50/50 between the braids vs. the 3-5 pony tails w/colorful barrettes, many of the 5 girls changing it up between the two over time. None have simple afros.
For me, not having ever worn the braids, they seem a lot like high heels - look nice, but a pain to wear.
I do think girl’s hair is a matter of practicality and taste regardless of race. My sister had beautiful hair that would curl up in Shirley Temple ringlets. My fine, straight, thick hair would get a bowl cut, a rather unattractive one at that. I had a friend in college once who pointed out after seeing pictures how much more my mother put into my sister’s hair (and by default, how much more sis was loved than I), but know it was a pragmatic decision about what was possible, not how much we were loved.
With more explanation, I feel better about the commenting. Context is everything.
I also agree that there’s probably not one “Black” viewpoint on hair. In a way, you’re lucky to have J’s viewpoint, since her’s should (IMHO) count the most.
I’m not sure how this fits in, but this entry reminded me of an experience I had at a pow wow a few years ago.
I’m American Indian- Pueblo, from New Mexico- living in the Midwest. My brother and I went to a pow wow a few summers ago; we sat on the bleachers eating Indian tacos before joining in the dancing.
A white lesbian couple with their two obviously Indian (facial features and Indian-dar) kids sat a few rows down. I moved over near them because I hardly ever see queer parents in Indian spaces and because I was drawn to the kids. The girls were quite obviously feeling the drum beat and hopping around a little bit. At some point, the MC announced an intertribal, where anyone can dance.
The kids asked their parents if they could participate and they were told they couldn’t. Instead, they sat on the bleachers watching and wearing absolutely ridiculous primary-colored plastic “Indian headdresses.” The whole scene was very painful for me. Adoption of American Indian kids is a tough issue for me to wrap my head around because our community has tried so hard to keep them but because of institutional racism, often cannot (although I’ve heard that legislation is supposed to place Indian kids with Indian families first).
As a queer woman, I loved seeing the family… but as an Indian woman, I was hurt by the way the parents were introducing Native culture to their kids. I was excited to see them at the pow wow, but was offended that the kids were wearing such horribly offensive outfits (which must have come from elsewhere since that kind of stuff wasn’t on sale there). I thought of offering to take the kids to dance and teaching them a few steps but when I heard the parents clearly tell their kids it wasn’t for their family, I decided against it.
I’ve been thinking of that incident a lot recently, in light of your posts on Madison’s hair. I didn’t feel comfortable intruding on a family because I really don’t agree with criticizing folks’ parenting styles, but as an Indian woman, I so dearly wanted to take those two little girls into the ring to dance.
Although I’ve not thought about it in other racial contexts, it must be extremely difficult to appropriate introduce a culture not your own to your children. My partner is white and aside from the obvious issue with her being a woman, our tribe doesn’t even allow her onto the rez on certain holidays. I am very much against non-natives seeing what we do on those days, but the fact that she’s part of my family complicates things. If those little girls were Pueblo, the fact that their parents are not completely prevents them from participating in many cultural events.
I’ve realized that this comment has no real point other than to air my own frustrations… to agree that cultural dissonance is really, really difficult.
I think the poiint that Purpleeaster is missing is that while there isn’t a “monolithic Black vew” there is a cultural view. Think of it from an anthropological view. Black people have a hair type that require a lot of care. Traditions have been formed around it. An example would be - sitting between a relatives legs, talking, socializing while your hair is being done. A process that, depending on the hair style, can take from one to eight hours.
These are common cultural experiences shared by almost all Black Americans, no matter our socio-economic standing. Other cross cultural examples would be food, marriage ceremonies. You get the idea.