Dearest Gawdess asked
Apr 26, 2005 Adoption
She wanted to know what I thought of Inside Transracial Adoption. I read it more than two years ago. I either read it right when we started applying to adopt through our agency or right before so really, a long time ago. I probably need to reread it now with the actual child there before me.
Anyway, I can’t do a proper review because I’m not remembering it all that well. (My retention sucks.) I’ll have to fake it.
Let me preface my next thoughts by stating the obvious. I’m very aware that I’m speaking from my own white experience and that my thoughts on this are infused with the race/class issues that are ingrained in me. I am a work in progress.
OK, that important message said, here it goes:
It’s imperative that white parents learn about the expectations that come from their child’s birth culture. This book stands as a good reminder but I didn’t find it that helpful in talking about how to practically integrate my values with her birth culture’s values as a parent to a biracial child. This is the reason I need her to go to a preschool where she can learn how Black people do things. This is why a “diverse” preschool isn’t what I’m looking for; I want one where white children are in the minority. I can’t find myself a singular mentor to guide me through What the Black Community Says; I need a plethora of guides because otherwise Madison will be screwed and it’ll be our fault.
I’m not going to be able to change the way I parent or try to make my values fit my (white) idea of what the Black community would value. (I’ve met a few white parents of Black children who celebrate Kwanzaa, for example, but forget MLK day.) But the sooner I find her a Black community where she can learn how to get between her two worlds, the better.
Earlier Shannon mentioned that this does not happen by accident. Actually in Portland, it did. I had Black friends because I made my friends through work. Here in Columbus, I made all of my friends through La Leche League and they are virtually all white.
I need some structure to make friends with someone because I am basically shy. I have been thinking about how to put myself in more situations where I can meet people of color (specifically AA people) because so far, going to the library storytimes at the library up the way from me isn’t cutting it. Thus my preschool decision. This way Madison will make a friend, we’ll plan a playdate and voila! Hopefully potlucks will follow, especially if I volunteer for whatever volunteer opportunities there might be. I also liked what Janine said about finding a Black Baptist church but mostly because I like gospel music. I think I’ll wait until Madison is old enough to appreciate a discussion about religious differences though. Not sure when that’ll be.
Anyway, the book was valuable because it told me that I needed to start thinking about how to insinuate my family into the African American community. I do wish that one of the authors had been a child of color who was raised by white parents; I really value the voices of adult adoptees in these discussions.
By the way, Madison’s birth mom has chosen to be immersed in white culture. Most of her friends are white; many of her relatives are partnered with white people. And of course, Madison’s birth dad is white. This is one side of her (J’s) family. On the other side are relatives deeply living their Black culture. It’s interesting to watch J maneuver through different cultures but we have talked about it only a very little since it’s not something she seems to think about critically at this point in her life.
One other thing, Madison is clearly biracial and I’ve mentioned before that some (white) people have assumed she’s Latina or Asian Indian. I wonder if her African American heritage will become more apparent as she grows. Frankly, I think this will make it easier for her; I really do. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, mind you, just easier at least while she’s very young. From what I can tell in talking to white parents of children who had two African American birth parents, they already deal with racism in a way that we haven’t.
Also, I think that people assume Madison is mine by birth (people say she looks like me, even those who have seen pictures of J and know that she really looks just like J — J and I look nothing alike) and when she’s with Brett, they assume she’s Brett’s by birth. This gives our family legitimacy in some people’s eyes.
Then there’s the politics of hair — Madison has soft curls. At the grocery store we’ve had a few Black women murmur their approval over her hair. If her hair stays like this, it will let me off the hook in a big way and I know that. I can remember how my friend (Latina) used to take her daughter (Black) to the mall and get lambasted by the Black women there for not knowing how to do her daughter’s hair.
Oh god, I totally got off-topic on my inadequate book review, didn’t I? But I’d been wanting to write about Madison’s biracialness .
Oh and one more thing. You know how I wrote how hard the first months were with her crying? Well, I’d also been expecting a boy who was fully African American for reasons in my archives. So when I got this light-skinned baby girl, I kept thinking that there had been some kind of mix up. Remember, too, that I very much thought of her as J’s baby until she signed the papers; I didn’t practice thinking of her as mine so much. I wouldn’t let myself daydream that far. I think it must be similar to a woman who has instinctively known she was pregnant with a boy and really had a lot of boy thoughts and then got a girl. I was totally bewildered.
That has no relevance to any bit of this entry but I’ve been meaning to write that down, too, so there it is.
April 26th, 2005 at 11:53 pm
Thank you. So very much.
I ordered the book Inside Transracial Adoption from our library almost on a whim. Some of the things that were written at your blog had been percolating in the back of my mind and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to look into it a little further. I am so glad that I did.
I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I am/was the kind of person who didn’t think race mattered. In an, oh, we are all part of the human race and that’s what counts, sort of way.
Urg. At least I’m learning, even if only a little bit. And I’m going to keep trying to learn more so that I won’t be completely clueless when my newest additions come.
Mort thinking and more reading and probably more questions from me in the future!
April 27th, 2005 at 10:03 am
This is really interesting to me, not because I am parenting a biracial child (although I have a bunch of biracial nieces and nephews), but because I am trying to actively raise my children in an anti-racist way. This involves doing things like sending them to a pre-school where they are in the minority as white kids, and generally putting them in situations where they are not in the majority. (I wrote about this recently in a post called “Princess Neck Snap” on my own blog.)
I think that in general, it’s pretty easy for white kids in this country to grow up without knowing anyone who looks different from them, or comes from a different economic class, and I just don’t want my kids having that experience. But it takes active work to do it, and lots of (white) folks look at me funny when I talk about it.
April 27th, 2005 at 12:07 pm
I can really relate to this entry. I admit, I only read parts of this book and will reread it again at somepoint. But my struggle, as you expressed, is actually trying to figure out how to immerse ourselves into the Asian community (and by immerse I don’t mean all encompassing).
Fortunately, we live in a very diverse area –but– that doesn’t mean people actually integrate. So, it is going to take effort on my part to make it happen. I have already beeen discussing school (elementary just because it is a bigger commitment) and we have been talking about moving to an area where there are a lot of Asian children attending the schools. We are considering moving about 30 minutes away in about 5 years (I obsessively plan– can;t you tell?)
I can’t help but think that school will have the #1 impact on her. Maybe I’m wrong, but as a teacher I seem the how many hours in a day the children spend in a classroom and the social impact it has. On the other hand, I worry that she will not be accepted by the Asian community because she is adopted– will she be left out?
This is getting too long… you hit a topic I have spent a lot of time thinking about and haven’t worked it out.
April 27th, 2005 at 3:51 pm
Have you thought about the diversity of your synagogue? Since you go to a Reform synagogue, you’ll probably find the most diversity there. I find it so important to make sure our son knows that “Jewish” is not synonymous with “white”. We have found lots of types of families who look more like ours (through a variety of means) there.
April 27th, 2005 at 4:33 pm
I’m laughing cause I was going to bring up the hair issue in my last comment but didn’t cause…I don’t know why, it can be difficult?
But since you brought it up! ;-D Hair is such an issue in the black community. We have our own prejudices about “good” hair and “bad.” (Good hair being the majority culture’s and bad being our own.) That perception started to change in the 60s and 70s but has backslid to old self-hate places. I like to use the terms “easy” and “hard” which have more to do with ease of dealing with it.
Your daughter’s hair may change and if it does I’d suggest going to the black part of town and finding a hairdresser there. My own point of view is that “hard” hair is wonderful - it’s thick and strong and oh, so African. It shouldn’t be ironed and permed to make it “easy.” Besides the issues of self-love, all those treatments damage the hair and scalp. That’s why you don’t usually see black people with long hair. (My documentation for this is that my Grandmother was a hairdresser.)
Corn rows, dreadlocks, afros - there are a lot of “natural” choices. Don’t worry about it, our hair can be “hard” but it’s fun. You can learn how to comb and braid and do cornrows on dolls with long hair - that’s how I did. Plus you have a beautiful girl to practice on. It takes time though so movies while you work help ;-D
Sorry to rattle on but one more thing. In the black community a how good a Mom you are is judged in public by how your child’s hair looks. So make sure parts are clean and straight! Ain’t it crazy?