Self-fulfilling prophecy
First off, I am working on this entry instead of the article that was due Friday and that I haven’t yet finished started. That’s because talking to the people who live on the internets is so much more fun than writing up magazine copy! Hip hip hooray!
Brett took the day off today. He and Noah are off to the barber’s and then to Noah’s first self-defense class. Now that Noah is big enough to want to pee in the bathroom with a male-type icon on the door and to do more unsupervised wanderings, we felt like this was important. He, of course, being Noah, says he does NOT want to go — nevermind that he did want to go when we signed him up — and will HATE it and doesn’t NEED it and thinks I’m mean for making him go. But it’s going to be a great class, very low on the fear mongering and high on the empowerment. If he likes it (and I’ll bet for all his bitching that he will) then we’ll talk to Chris about more classes or other martial arts type things.
I want to thank the many of you who commented about Madison’s god awful crying and told me that your (bio) children cried, too, or that you yourself cried or offered similar feelings about your own adoptions. I was thinking about how hard it is to separate Madison from her adoption, by which I mean it’s very difficult not to say, “Oh, she’s pointing with her right index finger in that way because the adoption clearly gave her the need to single things out in the way that she was singled out by our family as our special, chosen child and thus indicates her deep fear about whether or not we will un-choose her.”
It is very difficult to find adoption information that isn’t solidly in the primal wound camp or whole-heartedly in the chosen child camp. Either adoption is wondrous and miraculous and adoptees get down on their knees and thank god for their fabulous families or else they’re just biding their time for when they can reunite with their real parents and annul their adoptions.
Well, it’s not that extreme but it seems like it.
I think the truth is that some children will live on the edges of those extremes but most will fall into the middle. I think that if there’s a glaring big event in your life, it can be impossible to know for certain how it changes you. Adoptees may grow up feeling alone in the middle of their families and say it was because they were adopted but birth children grow up feeling alone in the middle of their families, too. So then I think that the issue is not the adoption, it’s that alone-feeling. But to address that for a child who was adopted, you do have to address the adoption but the challenge is in learning how to do that without being myopic (”oh, well, you know it’s just the adoption coming up so no need to explore what else might be happening”), alarmist (”my god, you’re never going to be normal again! not that you ever were, being adopted and all”), or dismissive (”you’re just being a typical teenager so I’m just going to stick my fingers in my ears and pretend not to hear you!”).
I am trying to work out for myself how to discuss adoption issues with Madison in a way that will enable her to honor her feelings but will not give her the idea that she is damaged just by being adopted. I know that adopted children need help and encouragement talking about their adoptions but I also don’t want to give her the idea that she is the sum of her adoption.
I am looking at preventative counseling, which is popular among some adoption professionals. My bias is to jump in with both feet. I love therapy! I love confronting hard issues! Let’s go! And really, I can’t think of why we wouldn’t do a playshop if Jane Brown came to town but I also need to watch my tendency to over-prepare and over-compensate.
Heh, you better be careful talking about Jane Brown. Some of the ladybug folks who despise her might come over here and get all up in your business. As you know, I like a lot of what she says, even if it rubs some people the wrong way. I just wish she would write a book.
Sounds like there’s a book out there you need to write.
We have some book put together by Adoptive Families magazine and it’s sort of in the middle–but boring and full of “duh” sort of advice.
Hey,
I do enjoy reading your blog so much. You put into words many of my own musings. I, too, have pondered the adoption question and how will my kids cope? And how will they feel? It was also a big LOOMING issue during the first years we adopted. I was so in awe of being able to be a mom after so much damn struggle, and my kids were great, and it was all so new….I thought about therapy, too. Well, here it is almost 11 years into the first adoption and 71/2 into the second (my daughter is Mexican American, we are white)…and it is just normal life. The adoption issue has faded to the back burner, and I’m wondering and hoping for you that it will do so, as well. That’s not to say we don’t have some issues to address in the future—it’s just not something that looms large in our daily lives. I guess what I’m saying is that I hope you don’t automatically go to therapy or feeling there are issues that need to be fixed. Madison sounds like a happy baby, and you’re a happy family. I’m confident that when Madison comes up with questions, you’ll answer them.
I know what you mean about adoption being all great or “primal wound” territory. In my book, Adoption is just “ordinary” in a wonderful way.
Just my 2 cents…after 11 years with adopted kids.
HMBalison