Mallory’s extended birthfamily was quite unhappy about the adoption. There was talk of breaking off all ties with Mallory’s birthparents if the adoption went through. They didn’t meet Mallory until she was 2. By then cooler heads prevailed, and they had had a chance to see that we were trustworthy, we were going to keep the adoption open, and we would let them in our lives. They have been very open to us and very generous. I do know that just last fall they told Mallory’s birthmom they wished she had been able to raise Mallory. So they accept it, they are gracious, but they still pine for the grandchild that they didn’t get to fully embrace. They have lots of grandchildren. Mallory is the oldest. Mallory’s bmom has explained to them that she believes Mallory is the person she is because of the adoption and that it was the right thing to do, but I don’t think that is a comfort to them. All that said, I would never know any of this if N didn’t tell me. The birthfamily never says any of this or implies it to me. They are always genuinely happy to see us and are very welcoming.

As a parent I understand their feelings. It would break my heart to have to say goodbye to part of my grandchild’s life. I have written them notes and acknowledged this to them. I have also told them how proud I am to be part of their children’s lives. They did a great job raising their children, they are wonderful people and I let them know I hoped to be a good parent like they have been. Now would I put my child through everything they did during the adoption? I hope not. I hope I would rise to the ocassion and put my pain aside and think of my child. But I don’t tell them that. I figure if their kids have forgiven them, I should too.

When Mallory’s birthdad’s father met her for the first time she was 4. She was this beautiful bouncy haired little blonde with chubby cheeks. She used to stop people on the street she looked so much like an angel. He met her and was commenting on her beauty. I said “Yes she is truly the best of both K and N.” He got teary eyed and said he didn’t know if it was okay to say she reminded him of his son as a child, and was happy that I had acknowleged the resemblence.

I think your trepidation about the meeting is natural. I am tempted to jump in the car and drive the 8 hours, and wait in the parking lot to see how it goes. I think you are honest and open and that will show through and help smooth out the meeting. Dawn, just be authentic, and they will be reassured. Maybe even happy that Madison has such a great mom.
Lisa V

We knew whatever decision that MPS would make about the baby’s future, would need some thought. Homer & she had been dating not long. Neither’s job (even combined) would be much to support a family. I couldn’t speak for MPS’s mother, but my wife & I were not ready to raise a grandchild as a child of ours. We doubted (given the lack of medical care over the past 4 months) that MPS & Homer were grown up enough to get married and raise the baby as their child. They were both still just beginning college, and MPS’s mom & I knew the difficulties with going to school, being married, having little income and trying to raise a child at the same time.

After many discussions with my wife, some including MPS, my wife and I felt that we needed to encourage the idea of adoption. MPS was resistant to the idea. Perhaps it was true maternal love, perhaps it was a sense of ownership. Perhaps it was even an emerging call to adult duty of parenthood. MPS & Homer did put BJ up for adoption. While BJ was still in the hospital, I got to scrub up & hold BJ for a few minutes before his new family arrived to feed him. I was glad that his family was wonderful. But I was pained that my first grandchild would be a stranger to me forever. I had bizarre thoughts: I would sent marvelous presents every Christmas and birthday, but my realistic side knew this was a child who did not need material gifts from a stranger.

A few years later at the local mall, my wife asked about two men & a boy eating (a common area for a food-court) — wasn’t that BJ & his Dad? It was! After little hesitation, I walked up and said Hi. Dad knew me, but wasn’t sure exactly who I was. I started to say I was MPS’s dad when it came to him. He invited me to join them, introduced me to the other man (a close friend of the family, a very close “uncle” to BJ) and then introduced me to BJ (as an old friend of the family… I felt it was nice). I got to see BJ act like a kid as we talked, and I heard about BJ’s life. He was happy, smart, popular, and had love in his life. My wife stood nearby, not intruding , but watching & hearing everything. It was one of the most heartwarming experiences of my life.

BJ’s parents have sent a couple photos of BJ, usually at Christmas, occasionally after a birthday. I really want to see more, know him more than I do. But he has a family, totally involved in loving and raising him. I take the involvement they grant me with love and knowledge that BJ got a life he deserved.

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MPS & Homer were married, now have a 3-year-old daughter whom I get to see half as often as I want (but enough for me to act like the spoiling grandparent I had), and they are expecting in August. Their family seems more solid than the one which created MPS (which ended when she was 6, after 12+ years of success).

Each birth grandparent will feel guilt at having encouraged the adoption of the child, but the joy of the outcomes (both BJ’s and MPS’s) have relieved most guilt I feel. Yeah, it would have been nice if MPS & Homer were in a position those years ago to be active parents for BJ, but I think the strains might have prevented the way now is for everyone.