Being specific
For Madison’s first birthday, J’s dad (Madison’s grandfather) sent her a couple of presents, including one that hasn’t arrived yet. All of the children in J’s family get a nice big popcorn bowl with their names airbrushed on them. J’s dad got one for Madison. He also sent a beautiful picture of him with Madison’s uncle (her namesake).
This picture is up on our bookshelf now and I keep looking at it and thinking of him.
He looks just like J, which means, of course, that he looks just like Madison. He’s just a few years older than Brett — he started his family when he was a year older than J when she had Madison so he’s a very young grandfather. I mean, he’s my generation basically.
I had seen pictures of him before. J has an old album of her mothers and so I saw his prom picture and his wedding picture. This is the only recent one I’ve seen and he’s very handsome but now I know where Madison gets the unibrow that will make her life a living hell when she’s a middleschooler.
It’s coming out now that he’s very sad about the adoption. I keep thinking about how it was for him then and how it is for him now. He said a lot that he now regrets and instead of the villainous father I thought he was, I realize that what I was hearing about was the reaction of a man who felt powerless in the face of what seemed to him like a disastrous turn to his daughter’s life.
He asked J if she ever thought about taking Madison back. I don’t know how he asked this — if it was in the context of him asking her about her feelings or if he was asking about the legalities of it. I don’t feel threatened by it — Madison is legally ours — but I do feel humbled by it. I know that he regrets how things came out and I know that he’s worried that the adoption is his “fault” somehow.
Madison is his first grandchild.
The family has decided that — get this — J, Madison and I will surprise him by showing up for the wedding. He knows J is coming, of course, (it’s her brother getting married and she’s in the wedding) but he doesn’t know that we’re coming with her. I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack but everyone (including his wife) says this is the way to do it. I hope they’re right.
When J came over on Madison’s birthday, she called her dad while she was there to say how much we loved the picture and how the beautiful coat he sent will fit Madison next winter. He sent a card, too, with a Care Bear on it, signed with all his love. We wanted him to know that we were thinking of him and welcomed him to be in Madison’s life. But J hung up the phone with a gloomy expression, saying he felt sad and that maybe we shouldn’t have called. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make him understand that we know that he’s her grandfather and she said he would just have to wait and see. She said that once he sees our relationship (mine and J’s) that he would understand it better.
I can’t stop running through it in my mind. I can’t stop thinking about how powerless he must feel. I know from talking to Katie and Lisa that it’s very possible that we will have more of a relationship with him than we might with J in some ways since his life will be pretty static while hers will hopefully be full of the busyness of creating the life she wants.
I’ll tell you the truth. I’m scared to meet him. I’m scared of the emotion that will come up and how I’ll handle it. I’m still looking forward to it — more now that I know how much it will mean to him — but at the same time, I’m terrified. I know that our happy event has been a family tragedy for him.
I know what Noah meant to my mother. I know how her feelings about my pregnancy changed when she finally held him.
My mom had surgery on the morning Noah was born and when they wheeled her to recovery, my sister was waiting in the hall. She said, “Mom, it’s a boy! Noah was finally born this morning!” (It was a long labor.) My mom started crying and said, “Oh my baby! How is my baby?” and Erica answered, “He’s fine, Mom, he’s doing great!” And my mom said, “Not him, I mean DAWN!” But then three weeks later when she got out to Oregon and held him I was relegated to chopped liver.
There’s a saying — “The child of my child is twice my child.” This is how it is for my mom. This is how it is for Brett’s parents. My dad? Not so much. J’s mom? Not so much again. J’s dad? Sounds like maybe.
I trust that good will come (has come) of this. I hope that when we go out there, he will understand that we are not taking Madison away from him.
I’m tired. We just got back from J’s actually. We had her over for Madison’s actual birthday and went over there tonight so her friends could have cake with her, too. (And totally anticlimactically, twice now Madison has been decidedly underwhelmed by the cake. She’ll get a third chance on Sunday when my family comes over.) It was the first time I’d seen some of the people there since Madison was born. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we brought her home. We are all pretty tired. No wonder this is all caving in on my head, eh?
From MagicPointeShoes’ Dad: When MPS was pregnant with her first, she was unmarried & Homer (dad to the expected one) were very young, inexperienced, & had acted in a way I (and my wife, MPS’s stepmother) felt was immature. It seemed that they had gone into denial about the unwanted pregnancy. She was hiding it from everyone, perhaps out of a sense of shame, or she imagined she’d get yelled at, or tossed out of the family, or Homer would be banned, or whatever reason young adults concoct. I confronted her with my suspicions, she opted for the truth. Then came easy questions: have you seen a doctor yet? are there any complications? what about when you were 2 months pregnant & you had a cold & were taking over-the-counter medications? did a doctor advise you on what to do? All the answers reflected an unwillingness to confront the new life growing inside her. We cruelly demanded that she go to a doctor immediately. She finally went.
We knew whatever decision that MPS would make about the baby’s future, would need some thought. Homer & she had been dating not long. Neither’s job (even combined) would be much to support a family. I couldn’t speak for MPS’s mother, but my wife & I were not ready to raise a grandchild as a child of ours. We doubted (given the lack of medical care over the past 4 months) that MPS & Homer were grown up enough to get married and raise the baby as their child. They were both still just beginning college, and MPS’s mom & I knew the difficulties with going to school, being married, having little income and trying to raise a child at the same time.
After many discussions with my wife, some including MPS, my wife and I felt that we needed to encourage the idea of adoption. MPS was resistant to the idea. Perhaps it was true maternal love, perhaps it was a sense of ownership. Perhaps it was even an emerging call to adult duty of parenthood. MPS & Homer did put BJ up for adoption. While BJ was still in the hospital, I got to scrub up & hold BJ for a few minutes before his new family arrived to feed him. I was glad that his family was wonderful. But I was pained that my first grandchild would be a stranger to me forever. I had bizarre thoughts: I would sent marvelous presents every Christmas and birthday, but my realistic side knew this was a child who did not need material gifts from a stranger.
A few years later at the local mall, my wife asked about two men & a boy eating (a common area for a food-court) — wasn’t that BJ & his Dad? It was! After little hesitation, I walked up and said Hi. Dad knew me, but wasn’t sure exactly who I was. I started to say I was MPS’s dad when it came to him. He invited me to join them, introduced me to the other man (a close friend of the family, a very close “uncle” to BJ) and then introduced me to BJ (as an old friend of the family… I felt it was nice). I got to see BJ act like a kid as we talked, and I heard about BJ’s life. He was happy, smart, popular, and had love in his life. My wife stood nearby, not intruding , but watching & hearing everything. It was one of the most heartwarming experiences of my life.
BJ’s parents have sent a couple photos of BJ, usually at Christmas, occasionally after a birthday. I really want to see more, know him more than I do. But he has a family, totally involved in loving and raising him. I take the involvement they grant me with love and knowledge that BJ got a life he deserved.
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MPS & Homer were married, now have a 3-year-old daughter whom I get to see half as often as I want (but enough for me to act like the spoiling grandparent I had), and they are expecting in August. Their family seems more solid than the one which created MPS (which ended when she was 6, after 12+ years of success).
Each birth grandparent will feel guilt at having encouraged the adoption of the child, but the joy of the outcomes (both BJ’s and MPS’s) have relieved most guilt I feel. Yeah, it would have been nice if MPS & Homer were in a position those years ago to be active parents for BJ, but I think the strains might have prevented the way now is for everyone.
Dawn,
This is hard now. I know that something that stays with me now and I thought of even before Mallory was born, was that the happiest day of my life was the hardest of theirs. It seems unfair.
Mallory’s extended birthfamily was quite unhappy about the adoption. There was talk of breaking off all ties with Mallory’s birthparents if the adoption went through. They didn’t meet Mallory until she was 2. By then cooler heads prevailed, and they had had a chance to see that we were trustworthy, we were going to keep the adoption open, and we would let them in our lives. They have been very open to us and very generous. I do know that just last fall they told Mallory’s birthmom they wished she had been able to raise Mallory. So they accept it, they are gracious, but they still pine for the grandchild that they didn’t get to fully embrace. They have lots of grandchildren. Mallory is the oldest. Mallory’s bmom has explained to them that she believes Mallory is the person she is because of the adoption and that it was the right thing to do, but I don’t think that is a comfort to them. All that said, I would never know any of this if N didn’t tell me. The birthfamily never says any of this or implies it to me. They are always genuinely happy to see us and are very welcoming.
As a parent I understand their feelings. It would break my heart to have to say goodbye to part of my grandchild’s life. I have written them notes and acknowledged this to them. I have also told them how proud I am to be part of their children’s lives. They did a great job raising their children, they are wonderful people and I let them know I hoped to be a good parent like they have been. Now would I put my child through everything they did during the adoption? I hope not. I hope I would rise to the ocassion and put my pain aside and think of my child. But I don’t tell them that. I figure if their kids have forgiven them, I should too.
When Mallory’s birthdad’s father met her for the first time she was 4. She was this beautiful bouncy haired little blonde with chubby cheeks. She used to stop people on the street she looked so much like an angel. He met her and was commenting on her beauty. I said “Yes she is truly the best of both K and N.” He got teary eyed and said he didn’t know if it was okay to say she reminded him of his son as a child, and was happy that I had acknowleged the resemblence.
I think your trepidation about the meeting is natural. I am tempted to jump in the car and drive the 8 hours, and wait in the parking lot to see how it goes. I think you are honest and open and that will show through and help smooth out the meeting. Dawn, just be authentic, and they will be reassured. Maybe even happy that Madison has such a great mom.
Lisa V