Comments on: Tomorrow is picture day http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/03/23/tomorrow-is-picture-day/ dawn friedman's blog Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:04:44 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: katie e. http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/03/23/tomorrow-is-picture-day/#comment-12778 katie e. Thu, 24 Mar 2005 18:39:08 +0000 http://thiswomanswork.com/?p=1488#comment-12778 i only scanned this while i'm home for my lunch break, and will be back later to make sure i didn't miss anything, but i think this kind of openness can also help people outside of both families to deal with a child's adoption. jonathan's parents have been very open talking about our relationship with others, including his preschool teachers and their neighbors and preschool classmates & parents. whlie he's not quite five and there is plenty of time for things to change, the kindness and interest all have shown has been terrific. i remember having adopted friends growing up who simply knew they were adopted - and the questions other kids asked were always things like "i wonder what your birthmom was like" or "why did she give you up?" or "do you miss her?" etc. jonathan will always have ready answers to these questions, or those in his life will already know - alleviating some of those stressful encounters. jonathan's preschool classmates and teachers think his situation is neat. when he had to bring in a show-and-tell poster about his family last year, his birthfamily was also included, and it was a great learning experience for *everyone*. i only scanned this while i’m home for my lunch break, and will be back later to make sure i didn’t miss anything, but i think this kind of openness can also help people outside of both families to deal with a child’s adoption. jonathan’s parents have been very open talking about our relationship with others, including his preschool teachers and their neighbors and preschool classmates & parents. whlie he’s not quite five and there is plenty of time for things to change, the kindness and interest all have shown has been terrific. i remember having adopted friends growing up who simply knew they were adopted - and the questions other kids asked were always things like “i wonder what your birthmom was like” or “why did she give you up?” or “do you miss her?” etc. jonathan will always have ready answers to these questions, or those in his life will already know - alleviating some of those stressful encounters. jonathan’s preschool classmates and teachers think his situation is neat. when he had to bring in a show-and-tell poster about his family last year, his birthfamily was also included, and it was a great learning experience for *everyone*.

]]> By: Melanie http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/03/23/tomorrow-is-picture-day/#comment-12777 Melanie Thu, 24 Mar 2005 16:47:50 +0000 http://thiswomanswork.com/?p=1488#comment-12777 We have recently adopted a little boy from Korea, and while the race issue is an obvious clue that he is adopted, we plan on being very open to him searching for/visiting his birth parents if he ever wants to. My personal belief is that the birth parent is just another part of your extended family. They can be close, like a grandma, who you love and visit often, or distant, like an great aunt who you have never met. A "traditional" biological family has many variations of close and distant relationships, the same can be true of an adoptive family as well. These days there are so many varieties of non-traditional families, it always surprises me a little when people are judgemental, it's kind of like it's ingrained that we should all pretend that adoption doesn't exist and we all bore these babies ourselves instead of celebrating the variety of ways families can come together. We have recently adopted a little boy from Korea, and while the race issue is an obvious clue that he is adopted, we plan on being very open to him searching for/visiting his birth parents if he ever wants to. My personal belief is that the birth parent is just another part of your extended family. They can be close, like a grandma, who you love and visit often, or distant, like an great aunt who you have never met. A “traditional” biological family has many variations of close and distant relationships, the same can be true of an adoptive family as well. These days there are so many varieties of non-traditional families, it always surprises me a little when people are judgemental, it’s kind of like it’s ingrained that we should all pretend that adoption doesn’t exist and we all bore these babies ourselves instead of celebrating the variety of ways families can come together.

]]> By: Sarah V. http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/03/23/tomorrow-is-picture-day/#comment-12776 Sarah V. Thu, 24 Mar 2005 14:07:01 +0000 http://thiswomanswork.com/?p=1488#comment-12776 I don't quite get the idea of being 'biased' in favour of open adoption. Seems to me to make much more sense to say that you're a person, and part of a family, for whom open adoption *works*. It works for you in part because these sort of arguments make sense to you. I don't see how that can fairly be described as 'biased'. There are people for whom those arguments wouldn't work, but that doesn't mean that you're wrong - it means that they're the type of people for whom open adoption wouldn't work. I don’t quite get the idea of being ‘biased’ in favour of open adoption. Seems to me to make much more sense to say that you’re a person, and part of a family, for whom open adoption *works*. It works for you in part because these sort of arguments make sense to you. I don’t see how that can fairly be described as ‘biased’. There are people for whom those arguments wouldn’t work, but that doesn’t mean that you’re wrong - it means that they’re the type of people for whom open adoption wouldn’t work.

]]> By: Patience http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/03/23/tomorrow-is-picture-day/#comment-12775 Patience Thu, 24 Mar 2005 12:15:16 +0000 http://thiswomanswork.com/?p=1488#comment-12775 Dawn, I was blown away when I first read about your trip to J's family. I think your incredible and strong and a pioneer for new paths in Open Adoption. I hope and pray that we will have the opportunity to share the experiences with our child that you have with Madison. Your instincts are right on and your willingness to listen to people who seem confused and somewhat judgemental is just another testament to how wonderful you are. Patience p.s. When in doubt, ask Noah :) Dawn,

I was blown away when I first read about your trip to J’s family. I think your incredible and strong and a pioneer for new paths in Open Adoption. I hope and pray that we will have the opportunity to share the experiences with our child that you have with Madison. Your instincts are right on and your willingness to listen to people who seem confused and somewhat judgemental is just another testament to how wonderful you are.
Patience
p.s. When in doubt, ask Noah :)

]]> By: LisaV http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2005/03/23/tomorrow-is-picture-day/#comment-12774 LisaV Thu, 24 Mar 2005 07:04:30 +0000 http://thiswomanswork.com/?p=1488#comment-12774 Dawn, first off for us, the adoption thought and talk was really intense the first couple of years. We were ADOPTIVE parents. Then we began to just be parents, and everything about the adoption came secondary. This is a huge relationship you are learning about. You have no role model. It's like you have to immerse yourself in it before you can back up some. Other than when I try to educate people about it (3 or 4 times a year) I rarely find it the topic of discussion anymore. It's just part of our life now. We don't contemplate it much anymore. Starting a blog and writing my paper last year brought it to my mind again however. Our friends and family all had reservations in the beginning years. Now they see it's worked out, they know Mallory's birthmom and love her. I think they felt threatened maybe. They don't anymore. Obviously I love adoption. I really have considered working in some aspect with it, but I don't want this to be the focus of Mallory's existence with us. It's a part, but it's not all who she is. I think this is the perfect time to do this when Madison is so young, if it doesn't go well, she doesn't have to really see it first hand. If it does, you have laid the ground work for some good relationships. My SIL still once in awhile says " Now they haven't asked for her back have they?" 13 years later. You may never escape a nay sayer here and there. Dawn, first off for us, the adoption thought and talk was really intense the first couple of years. We were ADOPTIVE parents. Then we began to just be parents, and everything about the adoption came secondary. This is a huge relationship you are learning about. You have no role model. It’s like you have to immerse yourself in it before you can back up some. Other than when I try to educate people about it (3 or 4 times a year) I rarely find it the topic of discussion anymore. It’s just part of our life now. We don’t contemplate it much anymore. Starting a blog and writing my paper last year brought it to my mind again however.

Our friends and family all had reservations in the beginning years. Now they see it’s worked out, they know Mallory’s birthmom and love her. I think they felt threatened maybe. They don’t anymore.

Obviously I love adoption. I really have considered working in some aspect with it, but I don’t want this to be the focus of Mallory’s existence with us. It’s a part, but it’s not all who she is.

I think this is the perfect time to do this when Madison is so young, if it doesn’t go well, she doesn’t have to really see it first hand. If it does, you have laid the ground work for some good relationships.

My SIL still once in awhile says ” Now they haven’t asked for her back have they?” 13 years later. You may never escape a nay sayer here and there.

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