Tomorrow is picture day
Mar 23, 2005 Adoption
I’m taking J. and Madison to Target to get one-year old pictures done. We don’t generally do formal portraits but I thought it would be a nice birthday present for the both of them and then it turned out that J. wanted to ask me if we could do that but felt shy about bringing it up.
I’m feeling prickly today. I’ve been facing up to some criticism from folks who think I make too much of Madison’s adoption and of her birth family. These are people who are close to us and care about us so it’s not something I can simply dismiss out of hand.
It’s hard because nobody knows for certain how anything works, you know? I mean, you can nurse the hell out of a kid or put him in a crib to cry it out or both and he still might end up in therapy. I don’t know for sure whether or not I’m doing the right thing but my gut says I am.
I know that life can potentially be harder for adopted kids; adoption is challenging. Not every adopted kid is going to have trouble, certainly, and to say that isn’t also to say that they would be better off not being adopted. It’s kind of like maybe I wouldn’t have been such a little slut in high school if my parents didn’t divorce but that isn’t to say that they should have stayed together. The best my mom could do was see that my absent father was contributing to some (ahem) poor choices in my youth and to get me into therapy. Our children have to live with the consequences of our decisions — it’s up to us to not only try to make good decisions but also to face up to those consequences.
One of the concerns shared was about the visit this summer with the extended birth family. In particular, the loving person lovingly shared that s/he felt (keeping it all anonymous here) that perhaps people who had not stepped up to the plate during J’s pregnancy and after Madison’s birth might disappoint me. They might not care that much about seeing Madison or they might be hostile to me or I might get in the middle of a big family blow-out. And, again lovingly put, perhaps such people don’t deserve to have access to Madison.
Well, here’s my thought about those possibilities:
1. Never judge a family in crisis because a crisis tends not to bring out the best in people.
2. Also, I don’t know the backstory. I only know what I saw and was told and frankly, I saw very little and heard only a tiny bit more.
3. If Madison’s extended birth family don’t give a hoot about Madison, I think we better find that out early. But I do think they care — I just think that the adoption has reasonably thrown a wrench into how they feel about showing their concern and also I think that this is a family that does things differently than my family does things. In short, I can’t really know so why not find out?
4. If they are hostile to me, I can get back on the plane and go home. But I don’t think they will be and I trust J’s take on this.
5. If there is a big family blow-out, again, I have a return ticket.
6. Finally, although I would argue that they do deserve to know Madison, it’s not about the family here. It’s about what Madison deserves. It’s about her having a right to her biological history if we can possibly get her access to that. It’s about her having pictures of people who look like her. It’s about her knowing who those people are so that she can choose for herself what they will mean to her. It’s about how the more people loving on her, the better it is all the way around.
I get the sense that there is still this confusion about who is Madison’s “real” family and that some of the concerned people are projecting this on Madison. I was talking to Brett about it all and Noah (playing in the basement) came up the stairs and said firmly, “Madison has two families.” Exactly. She does. And it’s up to this everyday family to help her negotiate her relationship with her birth family — it’s our privilege and our duty to do so.
When I read the research and when I listen to adult adoptees, I’m convinced that this is the best thing we can do for her. Right now we don’t have a relationship with anyone besides J. I hope that seeing her will make her real to the rest of her birth family and that this will open the door to them all having a relationship of some kind with her. If it doesn’t, at least we will begin to understand the limits of those relationships (for now — that can change as everyone gets older). Also, Brett and I really want to make it clear to Madison from the get-go that her adoption is a legitimate topic in our house and that her birth family is also a legitimate topic. And we want her to know that we respect her birth family because they are her birth family, no matter what kind of relationship we end up building (or not building) with them. Basically, she is not just adopted — we are an adoptive family. It’s part of our familial history and so as a family, we will work together to explore this part of our identity.
I’m writing all of this because I have to remind myself of my convictions. This feels a little bit like when I was nursing Noah way past babyhood. The very fact that we were nursing into preschool years made my decision suspect. It was like, “Of course it makes sense to you to keep nursing him but then you’re the type of person who would nurse a preschooler therefore any arguments you have are by definition sheer lunacy.” Ok, maybe not that bad but pretty bad. I say, “But this person is doing an open adoption, which works and this person has an open adoption, which works” and the reply is, “Yeah, but they’re the kind of people who would do an open adoption so they’re as biased as you are.”
Ultimately, I think that like Noah’s long-term nursing, the proof will be in the pudding. Everyone eventually got cool with my walking, talking nursling and I think that they will grow comfortable with Madison’s unique extended family. Right? I can only hope. Also, for the most part, our families have been wonderfully supportive of all of this. It’s just that sometimes their heartfelt concern and their understandable confusion comes out and I need to learn to deal with that without letting it throw me.
By the way, that picture up there? It’s from Brett’s parents’ early Easter celebration. See how Madison has a turtle? Remember how Brett was trying to teach her to say turtle? That was about three months ago but she just now says it, prompted by that little blue fellow. She said it clear as a bell, “Turtle!” after we got her home from their house. J got to hear it when she called and we have all pronounced it darling.
Now playing on iTunes: “Someone in a Tree” from the album A Stephen Sondheim Evening by Bob Gunton, George Hearn, Steven Jacob, Cris Groenendaal
March 23rd, 2005 at 11:10 pm
Lovey picture an analysis.
The way I see it, the pissy will be pissy. They were pissy in the past and others know to expect it from them. Not your problem, except to try to get along if you desire.
It sounds like the sniffles have cleared up for the picture. Have you considered getting in one with M and with all 3 of you?
March 24th, 2005 at 1:04 am
Dawn, first off for us, the adoption thought and talk was really intense the first couple of years. We were ADOPTIVE parents. Then we began to just be parents, and everything about the adoption came secondary. This is a huge relationship you are learning about. You have no role model. It’s like you have to immerse yourself in it before you can back up some. Other than when I try to educate people about it (3 or 4 times a year) I rarely find it the topic of discussion anymore. It’s just part of our life now. We don’t contemplate it much anymore. Starting a blog and writing my paper last year brought it to my mind again however.
Our friends and family all had reservations in the beginning years. Now they see it’s worked out, they know Mallory’s birthmom and love her. I think they felt threatened maybe. They don’t anymore.
Obviously I love adoption. I really have considered working in some aspect with it, but I don’t want this to be the focus of Mallory’s existence with us. It’s a part, but it’s not all who she is.
I think this is the perfect time to do this when Madison is so young, if it doesn’t go well, she doesn’t have to really see it first hand. If it does, you have laid the ground work for some good relationships.
My SIL still once in awhile says ” Now they haven’t asked for her back have they?” 13 years later. You may never escape a nay sayer here and there.
March 24th, 2005 at 6:15 am
Dawn,
I was blown away when I first read about your trip to J’s family. I think your incredible and strong and a pioneer for new paths in Open Adoption. I hope and pray that we will have the opportunity to share the experiences with our child that you have with Madison. Your instincts are right on and your willingness to listen to people who seem confused and somewhat judgemental is just another testament to how wonderful you are.
Patience
p.s. When in doubt, ask Noah
March 24th, 2005 at 8:07 am
I don’t quite get the idea of being ‘biased’ in favour of open adoption. Seems to me to make much more sense to say that you’re a person, and part of a family, for whom open adoption *works*. It works for you in part because these sort of arguments make sense to you. I don’t see how that can fairly be described as ‘biased’. There are people for whom those arguments wouldn’t work, but that doesn’t mean that you’re wrong - it means that they’re the type of people for whom open adoption wouldn’t work.
March 24th, 2005 at 10:47 am
We have recently adopted a little boy from Korea, and while the race issue is an obvious clue that he is adopted, we plan on being very open to him searching for/visiting his birth parents if he ever wants to. My personal belief is that the birth parent is just another part of your extended family. They can be close, like a grandma, who you love and visit often, or distant, like an great aunt who you have never met. A “traditional” biological family has many variations of close and distant relationships, the same can be true of an adoptive family as well. These days there are so many varieties of non-traditional families, it always surprises me a little when people are judgemental, it’s kind of like it’s ingrained that we should all pretend that adoption doesn’t exist and we all bore these babies ourselves instead of celebrating the variety of ways families can come together.
March 24th, 2005 at 12:39 pm
i only scanned this while i’m home for my lunch break, and will be back later to make sure i didn’t miss anything, but i think this kind of openness can also help people outside of both families to deal with a child’s adoption. jonathan’s parents have been very open talking about our relationship with others, including his preschool teachers and their neighbors and preschool classmates & parents. whlie he’s not quite five and there is plenty of time for things to change, the kindness and interest all have shown has been terrific. i remember having adopted friends growing up who simply knew they were adopted - and the questions other kids asked were always things like “i wonder what your birthmom was like” or “why did she give you up?” or “do you miss her?” etc. jonathan will always have ready answers to these questions, or those in his life will already know - alleviating some of those stressful encounters. jonathan’s preschool classmates and teachers think his situation is neat. when he had to bring in a show-and-tell poster about his family last year, his birthfamily was also included, and it was a great learning experience for *everyone*.