this woman’s work

What I learned this week

Mar 3, 2005 Writing

Today is the second day of me not looking at my article while I wait to get word from Becca. I’m scared to get word, actually. This is what will happen when she sends back the piece with her thoughts:

1. I will see her email come in and I will start to hyperventilate and I will get light-headed;

2. I will be afraid to open it;

3. I will shut my eyes and double-click;

4. I will be afraid to read it;

5. I will grab two girl scout cookies and read it anyway;

6. I will be be happy at first because Becca always says nice things first, like a good critic;

7. I will get cocky and will read along further;

8. I will get annoyed;

9. I will get mad;

10. I will eat two more girl scout cookies and stomp around the kitchen fuming and spewing cookie crumbs as I cuss under my breath at her;

11. I will cry;

12. I will decided that she’s nuts and wouldn’t know a great piece of writing if it bit her on her tush;

13. I will have to admit that I’m wrong about this;

14. I will sit back down and re-read what’s she’s written;

15. I will begin to nod my head in agreement;

16. I will get inspired;

17. I will get to work.

Back to what I learned this week: I learned that I love love love to do this kind of writing. This piece has been a ton of work. I did many many many interviews (only one of which got in the piece but many of which informed it). I read 25+ studies. I scoured anti- and pro-adoption web sites. I got seriously off track as I over-read about adoption reform and spoke to some people about it. I confronted many of my own issues around adoption and dug around in my soul for my thoughts and feelings about our relationship with J. I had eleven (yes eleven!) false starts that went nowhere and more notes than I know what to do with. And you know what? The piece might not get published — even with Becca’s brilliant editing and the feedback from other genius writing friends, it might all be for nought, the work and angst and late nights. But I loved it. This is what I want to do with the rest of my life.

This article was supposed to be a test to see if I felt like I could write the kind of book I’d like to write and I think I can and I know I really want to. But I have no idea if my test article will get published (meaning can I live with the rejection after all that hard work — likely but I will be very very sad and my ego will be sorely bruised) and even if it does, I have no idea if anyone will want me to write a book. But that’s my goal although it terrifies me to admit it to you all.

The other problem (besides, you know, the one about how maybe no one will want to publish this kind of writing from me) is that this article took a lot of time and fitting that into my life was extremely difficult; it’s the biggest reason it took so long. For the past month I’ve been eating, sleeping, breathing and dreaming anti-adoption. That part hasn’t been so awful but finding the time to sit down and work has been incredibly hard.

Here’s what I want to do. I want to see if this piece gets published. Then I want to start researching the book I think I want to write. (Interestingly, the anti-adoption article morphed a lot during the process but ended up being essentially what I pitched when all was said and done.) If I feel like there is a book in there, I will commit to finding a part-time mother’s helper so that I can work on a decent proposal.

The other thing I realized is that I need to quit fretting about whether or not I should be writing more service pieces (I already write about one a month for my job). I have to quit feeling guilty and inadequate about (not) querying.

Cecily pointed out in my tips post that I work for the kind of magazine that I don’t think people should read. Ummm, good point. I have to in order to pay the bills and all that but I don’t have to do anymore than that. Reading most consumer mags makes me sad and querying them makes me sadder and getting rejections from them makes me sadder still. I have to STOP. I have to quit worrying about it. Why is this so hard?

The other day I met Becca at a bookstore and I had a pile of glossy magazines in front of me because I was going to go through them and study them for future pitches. She flipped through them and gave me a look and told me to put them back. So I did — with relief.

I want to write horribly difficult pieces that nobody wants to publish or at least only a very few. It will be hard and awful. I will get depressed many times because the market is small and competitive. I will miss the mark often and then cringe when someone else does a great piece on the very same subject. But that’s what I want to do. I want to write articles that require me to over-research, over-interview and — sweetest of these! — over-think my subject.

It really scares me to commit to being the kind of writer I want to be. What if I don’t have the chops??? Who the hell do I think I am, anyway?

Well, at least I will have my regularly assigned product round-ups to keep me humble. (Some pig.)

Now playing on iTunes: “When Spring Comes” from the album Teenager by Jane Siberry

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