I’m back with tips
Madison just went down for her nap and for you, my dear readers, I will sacrifice this precious time for some tips on how to be a happy mother despite that daunting 70% statistic saying that really we’re all just incredibly stressed out and miserable.
Ready? Here we go!
1. Turn off the television. No more pseudo-news shows like 20/20 and Good Morning America that have a Must See story on the deadly truth about poison ivy — it’ll just ruin that camping trip you had planned this summer. Also, no more talk shows where Oprah tells a tearful guest what she’s doing wrong or Dr. Phil shakes his head incredulously while a befuddled woman watches a video of herself yelling at her son.
2. In that same vein, quit reading women’s magazines. If you want to learn how to do something — say, ice a cake or unclog a sink — get a book from the library about it. That way, while flipping through to find answers you won’t accidentally stumble on an article that tells you how to sexually satisfy your husband, thereby implying that he’s not perfectly satisfied already.
3. Parenting magazines? No. Stop reading them now. You don’t need them. They need you but you don’t need them. Instead find a mothering mentor, someone you admire and (this part is really important) someone whose values resonate with yours. Better yet, find a whole bunch of them. If you’ve got questions, take it to your mentors. If you need practical advice about developmental issues, buy a nice, bland book that doesn’t give advice. Then, armed with encouragement and support, do whatever works for your family.
4. Stop periodically and say, “Is this going to make me happy? Is the trade-off worth it?” If waiting in line to sign up for the chi-chi music class is going to ruin your day, skip it. If you so love the music class that you’ll weep every Thursday if you fail to get in, go ahead, wait in line. But don’t do it unless you want to.
5. Embrace benign neglect. If you don’t want to play another game of Candyland, don’t play it. If you would rather play Monopoly Jr., play Monopoly Jr. If you would rather read your book, tell your little ones they’re going to have to suck it up. (Sadly, this doesn’t work for toddlers but it will one day — I promise.)
6. Remember that your kids aren’t a reflection of who you are — they’re only reflecting themselves. Let it go. Take a deep breath and let it go. Who cares if he just spilled orange juice down the front of his new shirt or she’s tone-deaf. We’re all doing the best that we can and that includes our kids. Keep your eyes on your own plate and don’t let them drift to the kid next door who just won the spelling bee, brought home a swimming medal and has been tagged for a full scholarship to Yale even though he’s only nine. It’s got nothing to do with the rest of us.
I think about my mom who really was hemmed in by cultural expectations that made her miserable and I think about us nowadays middle-class mothers who really have it pretty damn good. Nobody can make us feel better about ourselves and there are plenty of people lined up to make us feel lousy so they can sell us another tube of lipstick or light-up musical baby mobile or insta-nutritious microwavable snacks. We’re doing a disservice to the women who fought against the feminine mystique. We really do have choices. We really do have options. Let’s exercise them!
Ok, now I seriously have to get to the laundry.
Now playing on iTunes: “Old Fashion Morphine” from the album Escondida by Jolie Holland
Here, here!
I especially like #6.
So true.
Right on sister! The media is now flooded with stories on perfect mothering. I am tuning them out. I know I have told you this before, but you are my mommy mentor.
Hear! Hear! and Huzzah!
Now, apply these mothering tips to every single other aspect of life…
yeah, great for papa’s too! great post
Focus
I keep going back to this idea of overparenting. I know it’s still bugging others of us out there, because Dawn at This Woman’s Work just put up a post about it today, too. I live in New York, so
Just happened upon your blog today and am so glad that I did. I recognized the quote from “Bird by Bird” instantly, and I completely agree with your mothering tips, although I don’t always follow them completely.
Liking this blog very much. I’ll be back.
My Own Perfect
Anyone else sick of the media coverage about perfect mothering? See Dawn for tips! Keegan’s ENT consult was yesterday. The…
Oh Dawn. Hammer it. Nail on head, as usual. Letter to the editor for Newsweek, mayhaps? For all of us?
Wow, I came to your blog by way of Moxie, and what a great post! Fantastic! I’ll definitely be back. Thanks for the practical advice, a lot of that is relevant to people without kids, too. I’ve always found I’m MUCH happier when I don’t watch the news or news-related programs.
yes– less media, more happiness. especially media that is almost completely supported by advertising, that’s the red flag, because then it is the worst!
see, the whole mentor thing– that’s what mom-blogs are for me in a lot of ways. a circle of mothers whose values I share, who I look to for inspiration, commiseration, and laughter.
i have real-life ones too, but they’re not available 24 hours a day:)
Tuesday Touting (on Wednesday)
Dawn of This Woman’s Work posts a great entry about how to…
Tuesday Touting (on Wednesday)
Dawn of This Woman’s Work posts a great entry about how to…
Tuesday Touting (on Wednesday)
Dawn of This Woman’s Work posts a great entry about how to…
Tuesday Touting (on Wednesday)
Dawn of This Woman’s Work posts a great entry about how to…
Very cool. I realized as I was reading your post, that these are the things I am trying to embrace it my life. I’m calling it my “pick your battles/what do you really want out of (this situation, this person) this experience. Thanks for helping me make the connection!
Excellent.
Except, um, don’t you write for parenting maga… oh, nevermind.
*clapping* *cheering*
loved this entry! so well-written, so apt, so true! thanks!
The statistics that were bothering you so much in the previous post? It would be interesting to see who Warner’s demographic of and how they were selected. I remember from my research methods class that just those two factors have a huge influence on stats. Most research is skued, and I am not saying that derogatorily, it’s just really hard to get completely unbiased studies. Basically I would just like to see how Warner’s research was skued. Guess I will have to go to Barnes & Noble and check out the back of the book.
Love it love it love it!
Yes! You are so right. I think a lot of mothers try way too hard to make sure everything is perfect. There aren’t enough hours in the day and life is too short. A perfect life isn’t possible anyway so what does striving for perfection get except a feeling of failure. Mothers should enjoy their children (now there’s a thought!) and live for the moment. Brilliant blog!
Exactly. Too bad you couldn’t turn this into a service piece to sell to Mothering, or Parenting Mags?
Heh…
Sing it, sister! I found this by way of Sandra’s blog. Dead on. As Jackie said, “less media, more happiness.” That would make a darn good bumper sticker slogan, eh?
So wonderful! This post really zeros in on the sentiments behind our Parent Appreciation Day, which is going on over on our blog now (it has turned into more of Parent Appreciation DAYS!)
Anyway, I am here to spread the love and say: you write a terrifc blog, full of interesting, important and educational, useful information. You write with love and warmth and feeling and I love to read it. From where I read and for what it is worth it really seems: you are doing an awesome job mothering. So, if you have the chance, join in the celebration and let some of your favorite parents know they are doing a good job.
Right on, Dawn!
Thanks for all those tips. I
Love your thoughts! Here’s one of the best pieces of advice I ever received this ties in with yours:
Share your passion with your children! In other words, if you love, love, love making things out of clay, then make things out of clay with your children. They’ll love it, you’ll love it and you’ll have a great family memory of everyone doing something together that they loved.
Don’t do things that you HATE just because you think you’re supposed to or your children are supposed to. We signed our oldest up for karate (what we we thinking!) when he was like 4, and he was miserable, and we went to the end-of-the year thing and we noticed that the kids who enjoyed it ALSO had parents who were gung-ho about karate — they read magazines about it and had t-shirts and knew the names of all the moves. Of course the kids loved it — they were sharing their parent’s joy.
It turns out that OUR passions are camping and classical music — we like the activities, we actually LIKE the other parents, we like the t-shirts and the magazines and all the paraphenalia, and our kids share our JOY!
I think it ties into the idea of benign neglect and not doing things that you hate just because the kids beg you. Of course there are things that the kids like or need that AREN”T fun for the parents (like help with homework, having to practice reading, etc.) but I am SO MUCH HAPPIER now that I know it’s OK to refuse to read “Little Bear” for the 50th time and my child isn’t going to be scarred by this, and that honestly if I’m enjoying reading Madeline, then it’ll be OK for my kids too.
Parenthood isn’t supposed to be only about Should, and meeting societies expectations and doing things that you hate. It’s about ice cream too. Not just broccoli.