The other side
Dec 13, 2004 Homeschooling
Since I’m interested in being fair, I’ll post the not-so-great things about being a homeschooler. For those of you kind of drawn to homeschooling but who are happy using an institutional school — public or private — this is to help you feel good about your decision!
1. The kids are around all of the time.
Yes, sometimes that’s a plus but c’mon, there are days where I fantasize about Noah being in school so he wouldn’t wake the baby, harass me to play cards with him, or whine the entire time at the grocery store because I won’t let him climb under the cart and ride on the bottom.
I do what I can to discourage this kind of nuisance behavior. The biggie, for me, is that I lean heavily on the side of benign neglect. I know there are homeschoolers who are much more into playing with their kids and being there every second with them, but I think from an early age, kids need to know how to entertain themselves. I don’t mean you should lock them in a room and tell them not to bug you; I mean that mommy is not a playmate, she is a parent. As a parent, she has things to do. This means she likely will not have time for more than one tea party or a single round of Clue.
Noah is pretty good at playing by himself and I don’t hear the “I’m bored” complaint very much because of it. Benign neglect — those two words can save a busy mother’s life. I figure my job is to provide lots of opportunities for learning in the form of great books, smart toys, and playdates. But other than times when my attention is clearly needed — with a new project, a challenging activity, etc. — Noah is on his own. I most decidedly do NOT play with him all day. We ignore each other a lot but we ignore each other with affection.
2. People think you’re weird.
Noah is old enough that people ask why he isn’t in school when we’re out and about. Like today when we stopped to get coffee in the grocery store. Generally folks have been polite when they discover he’s homeschooling, but sometimes it would be nice not to even have to get into it.
3. You can never have a real job again.
Fortunately I don’t ever want a real job again but still. What if I did? That’d suck, eh? It’s a good thing that I can fulfill my earthly ambition here at the computer because if I wanted to be a brain surgeon or manage a restaurant, I would totally be out of luck. And personally, I think the parents need to be happy so if it made me unhappy to be at home regretting my dreams and homeschooling, I think that would be lousy for every one. Mothers (and fathers) may have to make sacrifices to be good parents but martyrdom is an all around bad idea.
4. There are cultural experiences your kids simply will not have.
Some homeschoolers will get together to make a homeschool yearbook, prom or football team but it just ain’t the same. I’m sure that Noah (and Madison should homeschooling be in her future, too) will have some regrets about missing out on certain aspects of the school experience and I’m sure, too, that there will be times when he feels left out when other people talk about prom or homecoming. I don’t think a school dance is a reason to send a kid to school but I think that it’s important that we recognize what our children lose, too, so we can keep that part in our decision-making equation.
Also if Madison is homeschooled (and I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t be but I try to keep an open mind), she will be one of a handful brown-skinned children active in our homeschooling community (there may be others who are less involved, obviously). People argue that this lack of diversity is a good reason to send kids to school but you know what? Our homeschool community is no less diverse than the suburban elementary school we were eyeing. It’s true that if we stayed in the Columbus district and sent her to school here that she would have friends across a broader range of racial diversity but I’m not sure if this is reason to send her. It’s been an observation of a few friends whose kids are in the schools that this diversity comes with a certain amount of racism from the powers that be. Specifically, there are teachers who see a rambunctious child with brown skin as a behavior problem waiting to happen. Now obviously Madison is going to have to learn to deal with racism but I would prefer that this not be her daily exercise at five. I think we’ll take a wait-and-see approach to this but it’s certainly something I think on.
December 13th, 2004 at 5:25 pm
I went to a small parochial school. It was pretty religious, and there were no dances. It was pretty small, so the only teams were basketball teams that lost every game. So I don’t have pictures from prom and the first time I went to a football game was in college–I survived. I can’t really comment on the other parts of your post, but I will say that (4) does not rate very highly as a reason in my book. (I am single and have no kids, so haven’t thought much about homeschooling either way.) By the way, before I went to that school, I went to an even smaller school and had not-very-good teachers, so I was mostly self-taught anyway, from library books. I had a grand old time and was not behind when I switched into my more academically challenging (2nd) school.
December 13th, 2004 at 5:42 pm
Dawn, that’s an interesting list. I really admire the way that you seem to constantly question the choices you’ve made - not in the sense of regretting them, but in the sense of being thoughtful about why they were made and how they have worked.
One comment on this particular entry…all of your points on ‘the other side’ have to do with the experience of education rather than the learning aspect. Do you see any negatives from that perspective?
December 13th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
What about making sure his education is well-rounded? Is it hard at all to make sure there’s enough… I dunno, science? (Kind of too soon, but what about calculus?) Or does he circle around to most subjects on his own? If (when) he wants to go to college, how will you approach the SATs?
December 13th, 2004 at 11:29 pm
Just stopping in to say hello and to congratulate you on your recent nomination at the BoB Weblog Awards 2004.
http://www.blogmechanics.com/bob
December 13th, 2004 at 11:30 pm
it’s #3 that really does it for me, as selfish as that makes me feel. I try to get past it, but I often feel terrible about it. Thanks for recognizing it as a true thing.
December 14th, 2004 at 11:20 pm
Number one is the one that gets to me sometimes - esp. when I have a paper to finish, or just want a nap!
I have to disgree with number three though - I work full time and I unschool my daughter. I’d rather work part time, or from home, but I think it is one of those things where if you want to, or need to, it can be done.
December 15th, 2004 at 12:34 pm
My son went to a racially and economically diverse elementary school. It’s an urban area of the city where big expensive houses sit next to apartments and restaurants and little grocery stores and in a city where people with money send their kids to private school. But in this old neighborhood it has become a beloved neighborhood school and everyone wants their kid to go there. The thing is, by second grade the kids were sorting themselves out into groups that seemed pretty well defined be economic class. And in the city where I live, the poorest kids are black. So by third grade, if white kids and children of color were friends, it was generally true that they were all middle class kids and mostly white kids. Most of the upper middle class kids were white and so those groups were all white kids and the kids from families with less money stuck togethor and they were almost all African American. By third grade, all that diversity I’d heard about had turned into self segregated groups within the school (and don’t even let me get started on the gifted program. Guess how many poor children of color were in it?). The teachers did nothing to change this- no discussion about privilege or any work to help the kids see what was going on. Just crowd control because eventually the groups become adversaries. I don’t think diversity in the schools means children will learn to be antiracist or less prejudiced. Why do we homeschoolers always hear “diversity” when folks are critical of homeschooling? If it were true that public schools promoted diversity, wouldn’t American be over racism by now? Or at least doing a lot better than we currently are?