I am adopted. I was adopted as an infant, and even though I spent six weeks in foster care– six weeks that nobody can remember for me– I don’t view that as a gap. I view it occasionally with curiosity– but I think your fears about your daughter’s 72 hours in the hospital, although understandable, will not come back to haunt you. My biological son spent the first ten days of his life in a NICU– and this has not had any kinds of lasting effects on him.

I have not sought out my birth parents. I was adopted in a closed adoption– and if I could find my birth mother one time and say, “Thank you for giving me my life, and thank you for letting me go,” I would– but I do not seek a more lasting relationship with her. If it had happened more naturally, like through the open adoption you have, then that would be different. What a gift you and J have given Madison! And I truly do not think you will ever face that she will choose between you– you are her mother. My mother is the woman who raised me, whose cool hands rubbed my back at night, who adored me daily, whose physical memories of hairspray and lanolin lotion are my first memories of love. J did something very important, and it is a gift that Madison will always know the circumstances of her birth and adoption– there really aren’t any gaps of knowledge there– but don’t ever feel that she will not think of YOU as her mother.

And sure, she will say hateful things to you someday– and they might cut deeper because she is adopted. But she will not feel them more deeply because she is adopted. At least, I did not. My mother is the only mother I can imagine. And she is the only mother I want. And I do not seek out my birth mother because even though my mother would move heaven and earth to assist me if I wanted to do that, it would hurt her so deeply, that I won’t do it.

I don’t know you or your daughter, and I cannot predict the future– but I thought you might appreciate the perspectives of an adult who was adopted as an infant and had a wonderful wonderful experience– and no identity gaps outside of what everyone experiences, I think.

You are her mother. And she knows it. And she will always know it.

While we move toward adoption, this has become the time that my dh has had to confront his own adoption demons. He has a few, (A big one is a worry that people will stop caring for him if he is “bad”) but not the “gaping center of loss” that people have said he was supposed to feel.

He actually left a therapist when the therapist insisted that he had to be feeling some loss, and he just said, “No. I have my parents. I have curiousity, but not loss.” The therapist dismissed his feelings and we dismissed the therapist.

People are different. An event that can be the reason that one person is a total shmuck is the same event that makes a person an outstanding and giving person.

But keep writing…when you’re not chasing Madison!

What do they suggest to do with all of the children around the world who are in orphanages?

Ugh. Nevermind. This is just baffling to me that people would actually devote time to such a “cause”.

You’re giving your children all the love and guidance you know how, just like the rest of us. And in the end, at the very least, your kids are going to know that. All the best…