Brett is going to kill me
Madison and Noah are both fussing so I SWEAR this will be my last entry.
It’s Anna’s turn:
[Your] use of the word ‘deserve’ and also by your desire to perhaps mentor J, or help her financially, or watch the baby while she goes to school. I think I understand this point of view — this is the way that we‚ve felt about close friends of ours who have limited resources and have just had their first child; those same thoughts have crossed our minds. But those very thoughts also created an imbalance in our relationship, in that we were then prospective patrons of sorts, rather than friends or partners. And this idea that we could somehow provide them with a ‘better’ life? In some ways it was really condescending of us.
There is an imbalance in our relationship in that J is the same age as my little sister. I can’t help but feel protective of her. And she can’t help but sometimes try to lean on me.
In the end, it‚s about honoring and believing in _their_ choices and _their_ values as much as our own.
Yes but it took time to understand that J truly did NOT want to parent. And in that time, we worried that we were taking advantage of her.
I know that it‚s hard to compare open and closed adoptions ˆ I understand that they are worlds apart ˆ but some of these issues seem inherent in closed adoption as well (I‚m thinking about ethnic identity here) ˆ how do you think your response might have been the same or different if Madison‚s adoption had been closed?
I think, frankly, that in some ways it would have been easier. At least at the beginning it would have been easier. We love J. And at the beginning, we loved her more than we loved Madison. It took time to fall in love with Madison and that was scary. I don’t think openness slowed down our bonding process but as we learned to love each other, it was difficult not to dwell on J and worry about her. When we left J in the hospital, she was convulsed with tears and that kept coming back to us. We left her crying. We took her baby and left her crying. No amount of intellectualizing the rightness of it could erase how terrible that felt. That part of openness was really hard but again, I don’t regret it. If Madison ever asks if J loved her, I can tell her how much she did and hopefully J herself will be around to tell her how much she still does.
Also, our continuing openness helped me understand that our adoption and J’s decision not to parent were ultimately separate issues. (Although when she signed the papers her social worker told us, “Had you been any other parents, I don’t think she would have placed; this was meant to be your baby.” What we heard was, “You are a roadblock in J’s decision to parent.” It took time to see that this was not true and that what the social worker meant was that our good and open relationship with J gave her the freedom to do what she needed and wanted to do.)
But the biggest thing for us is that during the darkest times, we clung to the moments we had in the hospital with J after she signed the papers. She gave us her blessing then and we needed that. We needed to know that J wanted us to be Madison’s parents because ultimately, it didn’t matter what anyone else said. And while the picture of her sobbing in her friend’s arms as we left holding Madison is seared into my memory, so is the moment before when she gave me that blessing to be Madison’s mommy.
As to Madison’s feelings about her African American heritage, I just don’t know how much J will be able to help us with that. J is really busy with her own life and I hope that she gets to do the things that she wanted to do, that drove her decision to place Madison, even though they’ll likely take her away from us for some time. But at least she’ll be a resource. Also, again, her blessing means a lot. Recently someone took me to task for my transracial adoption (someone long-distance) and I finally said, “Listen, if there’s anyone who has a right to say who should mother Madison, it’s her birth mom. And she chose me. End of discussion.”
Obviously, Marie’s and my adoption hasn’t gone through yet, so I can’t say for sure how I am going to feel.
That said, I am almost certain that Marie and I will have GUILTY feelings for seemingly “taking” a child away from someone else.
I think it is only human nature, and not a knock on anybody — the birth mother ESPECIALLY.
And, shall I be brave enough to add: As I share the same religion as Dawn, it is no secret that we Jews own the patent on guilt.
Dawn, I used to have the habit of attirbuting every one of Mallory’s good qualities to genetics. She was smart, kind, funny, happy, beautiful all because of her birthparents. One day our social worker pointed out that we had something to do with all of this. I think this is my guilt that makes me just feel indebted to being able to raise this child. I always think how lucky we are. My social worker also reminded me (when Mallory was a baby) that she was also lucky, and so were her birthparents. Not only did we become a family and add this great kid.But her birthparents were able to live a life dictated by choice, not force. They could have chosen to parent, they were over 18, had family support and were (at the time) together as a couple. But they knew ultimately that wasn’t the right path for them, or for her. No matter how much their hearts loved this baby, their heads knew raising her wasn’t the best for them.
I have heard that adoption is founded on loss for all members of the triad. I agree that is partially true. I think the other part is that it ends in winning for all members (in a successful adoption) . We have a wonderful child, Mallory has a stable family that wanted her more than anything, and her birthparents were able to carve out a life for themselves, knowing(and seeing) their child was loved and taken care of .
I think adoption is as complex as anything in life, their is light and dark. I mostly see the light and am so grateful to be able to experience parenthood, and open adoption.
Thank you Dawn for your response — it is all much clearer to me now, especially the part about really not knowing if J was ready to _not_ parent. I can see so clearly how all of that must have felt to you: leaving J despondent, the words of your social worker — all of it. And I can only imagine how you guys worked through it; you are incredibly strong and thoughtful people.
As you mentioned in one of today’s earlier posts, it was really hard for you to talk about all of this with us. I hope that my questions didn’t cause you any pain, or make you regret exposing so much of yourself to all of us out here in the ether. I can not express to you how valuable your voice has been and continues to be for me — not only in talking about all the complicated, contradictory, painful, wonderful, scary and fulfilling facets of adoption, but also in providing me, us, with an example of how to live it.
Thank you.
I am LOVING this conversation. All I can say is “thank God Dawn is blogging again!” And now for my two cents.
I still feel a great deal of guilt for the grief my children’s birth grief. I don’t dwell on it because guilt is such a destructive thing (and I’m ‘ethnically’ Catholic so I know all about guilt). When I do remember the pain, the tears, and the grief that both of these women have gone through, I turn it into parenting zeal. J and H chose us to parent their children. There is no greater compliment or trust. That our joy came at the price of their pain makes us promise all over again to give these children the best parents that we can possibly be. It’s the only way I see to turn that nasty guilt feeling into something that is good for all of us: birth parents, adoptive parents, and most importantly the kiddos.
It’s 11:30 and I should really go to bed… but this is so much fun to talk about. I’m falling asleep at the computer though.. More later.
lisa, your post made me laugh. ever since jonathan was tiny, his mother and i have had the same back and forth. whenever we’re impressed with something he’s doing - something developmentally, a funny remark he makes, anything - i always (honestly) say that it’s because he has such great parents. she always says (honestly) that, oh no, he was so good from the beginning, it has to be good genes. i’m not sure how many times we’ve had this conversation now, but we’re all convinced he’s gotten the best of all possible worlds from both of his families.