A genuine true story
Sep 24, 2004 Adoption
Today was our last visit with the social worker. I love Denise but it’s going to be nice to be officially our own family soon. Our finalization is on October 18th!
Denise came to the library to meet with me because Noah had a class and it was just easier to schedule it then. Fortunately she came just after the class let out so that we had the story room to ourselves; not that she asks anything I would mind people over-hearing but it was nice that Madison had a wide expanse to show off her crawling.
Last week at this library I was in the story room talking to some other homeschooling parents. One of them, a dad, asked me, “What nationality is your daughter?” I told him that Madison is an American and was adopted domestically and that she is biracial — African American and caucasian. Now here’s where things got sticky for him.
He proceeded to bumble around and say the following: “But she’s so pretty! I mean she doesn’t look black; she’s very light! I mean, she’s a beautiful baby!” and so on and so on.
Now I don’t know this man very well — he’s barely an acquaintance — but I’m pretty sure that he’s not out burning crosses on people’s lawns. I would assume that he supports equal rights for all people and likely would not consider himself a racist and yet what he said in the guise of giving Madison’s compliments was, of course, racist.
I’m not putting this entry out here to disparage this particular man. I’m putting this out there because I think that many of us who are equally kind and well-meaning inadvertently say and do things that are racist and classist and heterosexist and all the other things that are pretty rotten. I know that I do and have and likely — unhappily — will do again.
We can be good people and still say and do bad things. We can valiantly argue against classism and still be classist. We can march for gay marriage and still be heterosexist. We can adopt transracially and still be racist (witness the many “china doll” comments on email lists devoted to adopting from Asian countries).
There is never a time we can heave a sigh and congratulate ourselves for being on the right side of justice; it requires our constant vigilance and commitment.
That’s all I had to say.
September 24th, 2004 at 9:52 am
I have been going round and round on this topic with some people in my life. Racism isn’t necessarily about ACTIVELY being prejudice, sometimes passive racism can be just as bad. I have had strangers AND people I know (and like)say things like “Your daughter’s eyes are really big and not too slanty” or say “biracial babies are just the cutest” and of course the damn China doll thing. Some days I can take it as an opportunity to educate people, other days I makes me want to just poke them with a big stick.
September 24th, 2004 at 5:42 pm
This is one of the reasons that I like you.
Thanks Dawn.
P.S. This is also one of the reasons I liked (still do) Howard Dean. He is brave enough to address this issue.
September 24th, 2004 at 8:37 pm
People often don’t realize how deeply ingrained their prejudices are until they hear words such as those you wrote above coming out of their mouths.
I think of it as a form of penance–in achieving such moments of clarity, they brand themselves as monumental arseholes. Which, until that moment, they didn’t realize they were.
But I am sorry that your daughter had to be the catalyst in this case.
It is my hope that, in Madison’s generation, this will happen much less frequently.
September 25th, 2004 at 12:46 am
Yep. I think the only position to take is a position of struggle against injustice. You can’t just dismiss yourself and say “well, I’M not part of that.” But most people on the privileged side of all the American hierarchies seem to think that just not burning crosses on lawns is enough.
sigh.
It’s hard work just persuading them otherwise, let alone leading them into actual action to resist. But it’s rewarding when it does happen! And having Madison will give you opportunities to address people about it. Even if it isn’t fair to her, you can use it to everyone’s advantage.
Most of the time?
Hopefully?