Talking to Shannon’s blog
Nat’s future mama is getting a leg up on worrying, which personally I totally identify with. She’s talking about the pros and cons of homeschooling and since I agree with her pros, I’m just gonna comment on her cons.
Pro: We can more easily control Nat’s contact with potential homophobes/racists.
Con: Nat needs to learn how to deal with homophobes and racists.
Sadly, homophobes and racists exist in the homeschooling world as well although I am fortunate to not have to hang with them. And then there are all the homophobes and racists at the grocery store, the library and various special events. I do agree that our kids need to deal with that and that those of us whose kids are living in a minority — of race or family structure — will definitely need to learn coping tools. I think that it’s important, however, not to load too much on a little kid.
My thinking is that Madison needs safety while she’s small and learning about herself and then that as she gets older, she will naturally — and unfortunately — have more opportunities to discover that people will think less of her due to her race and gender. With homeschooling, the majority of her time will be spent in a safe environment, which will give her the space and support she needs to process those inevitable events.
There’s this belief that homeschooled kids are hothouse flowers and while that may be true for some, I think that it’s more like the way you start seeds in the greenhouse and then move them when they’re strong enough to take root. (I don’t garden so forgive me if the metaphor isn’t working.) Moving them too soon at best stunts their growth and at worst destroys them.
Many of us have had bad teachers and survived but we have the scars from it. School is all encompassing and one mean kid in the lunchroom or one nasty remark from a teacher can ruin a whole year for a child. I personally didn’t grow stronger from dealing with Mrs. Hoefler in 6th grade — I just figured out how to get depressed.
See, there are a lot of people who argue against homeschooling by saying that kids need to learn to live in the real world. My response is that I don’t think school is the real world. It’s abnormal to hang in an age-segregated environment led by a singular person who is in complete control of that environment.
Pro: Similarly, we can teach Nat our own ideas and beliefs about the world–things they pretty much don’t teach in most schools, like values that really prioritize people and human relationships over profits and productivity etc.
Con: I myself learned a lot about how to think in contrary ways by being exposed to ways I didn’t agree with, or ways that contradicted the basic values of my family.
This is a really good point. However, I think that kids can get this by reading outside of their family values (ironically Sonlight Christian curriculum, which is pretty conservative, also argues that children need to do this), spending time with or around people who are dissimilar, and heck, if you really need exposure to the far right, you can always listen to talk radio.
Also, our universe includes a lot of people who agree with us on one thing — like our religious community at temple — and disagree with us on other things — like our religious community at temple. We get our needs met by having different kinds of people in our life and so while we only hang with folks who share our core values about -isms, we have a lot of friends and acquaintances who do things really differently.
Pro: We live in a learning-rich environment. No dearth of books, or libraries or computers or smart people who know all kinds of stuff. Nat will (whether Nat goes to school or not) learn a LOT at home.
Con: My own prejudices and likes and dislikes will certainly steer our learning in certain ways and tend to avoid others (oh, algebra, for example).
This is why it’s important to find mentors who can teach the things we can’t teach. This can be hard for some people because of location constraints. I think it’ll be pretty easy in Columbus — has been so far — because we have a strong homeschool support system here and also several universities (including OSU) around. I’d say that Nate’s parents will have an easy time of this, too, ‘cuz they’re both academics. In fact, I totally envy Nate. S/he’s gonna be one lucky kid.
Pro: I am sure we can find wonderful socializing opportunities without going to a school–playgroups, sports teams, art and music lessons, camps, church, etc. etc. etc.
Con: What if Nat wants/needs a space and community away from ME? Something just all her/his own, even secret or at least very much within her/his own control?
Again this is totally possible in homeschooling. Noah has a variety of social groups, which change as his interests change (he’s made different friends at soccer, at chess, at homeschool gym, at various one-shot activities, not to mention his regularly scheduled playdates). Even if I hang at those events — ‘cuz if they last an hour, I won’t bother to drive home — I’m talking to the other parents. Noah gets a lot of freedom to do his thing. I anticipate that this will increase as he gets older.
Home Fear: What if the only other homeschoolers we meet (or homeschooling supports we find) turn out to be right-wing Christians who are homeschooling for reasons very different from ours? It would be one thing if we weren’t a queer family, (I can respectfully disagree with people) but seeing as we are, this could cause serious problems.
School Fear: What if we never live in a place that offers the kind of school we really would like Nat to go to? What if we move, find that school and really can’t afford it?
I can’t speak to this because 1) we’re not a queer family; and 2) if we were, I hear that Columbus would be a safe place to be out and about and homeschooling. But I know that lack of a supportive homeschooling social system has sent more than one kid to school and it’s a legitimate concern. I think about this when we contemplate moving to a more rural area — as a Jewish feminist and with Madison here, I don’t think we could do right by our family out in the boonies. Rats. Sometimes the boonies sound pretty good.
I totally relate to what Shannon says about finding the perfect school, too. I want to have options so that as Noah and Madison get older, we have school as a choice. My decision to homeschool them is appropriate now but I think they both have the right to go to school at some point if they want to. Unfortunately I don’t think there are any good schools for us here. Maybe for high school there are a couple but middle school? Absolutely NOT.
I’m happy with our decision right now but I’d like to feel that we have more flexibility than we do.
Wow, Dawn, thanks. That’s really helpful. I have to admit that at the moment, my cons are kind of devil’s advocate notions, because I’m leaning pretty heavy on the homeside–at least until we live somewhere with better school options.
But sometimes I worry I’m being too drastic.
I think it’s a super ego issue. When/if we do decide to homeschool–even if only for a couple of years–my mother is bound to freak out.
“My decision to homeschool them is appropriate now but I think they both have the right to go to school at some point if they want to.”
That, Dawn, is exactly where we’re going. We actually have Logan in an amazing pre-preschool program right now, where they let him play with other kids his age, slide on the slide, run araound the play area and paint. We don’t have other kids his age at home, or even nearby, so we really wanted him to have a place to socialize. At the same time, they allow him to be the little man that he is, without imposing too many rules on him - his father is especially happy that they don’t force him to wear shoes, he says he doesn’t want his little guy to be “oppressed”.
As he gets older, we will get him more into play groups and out of this school (run at our college, it allows us to have him watched while we’re in class, which is great for us too) and work him into home schooling. Hopefully, with the benefits of having him in a pre-school program without the disasters of later-age schooling. No homework, no competition, no getting lost in the crowd. At the same time, we understand that our desire to homeschool him might not be his desire later - if he wants to go to a structured school, we hope there will be a good one nearby. Right now, he’s 16 mos old, so it’s our choice, and later he might make a different one.
In Sacramento, there’s a good (non-religious) homeschooling group that meets for play dates and field trips, and we joined a few months ago, which they welcomed, understanding that his education has already begun. It’s not like we’re just going to sit him in front of the TV until he’s five, and then sut it off and begin “real” teaching. Babies learn all the time.
Sometimes I think that as a tall, strong, smart (and let’s admit it - white male) child that Logan won’t have trouble in a school, any more than any other kid … but on the other hand, is that fair for any kid? Is it ok to let them go through something ill-considered and badly organized (most public high schools) just because all the kids have it that bad? Is it ok to look at our kids and say “it could be worse”? I don’t think so. I think it’s our responsibility as parents to look at our kids, really look at them, and any time that we see something that could be better, that’s our guideline. Making it better, not just celebrating that it isn’t worse.
Homeschool can only be as good as you have the time and energy to make it though, so I understand that some folks can’t pull it off, even if they wanted to. I wish I could be a militant homeschooler, but I have to see the other side of the coin too. I think that Nat’s future mama has the right idea by creating a list of pro’s and con’s, to look for the right answer for them. You know the right answer for your kids, and we know the right answer for Logan, but you don’t know our son, and we don’t know Nat, so as much as it’s great to have this conversation about homeschooling, so in the end only we can know our own kids.
I think that the message board you talked about a while back, the one that you could host, would be a great homeschooling space. Maybe we could all support each other; this is hard, and confusing, and so important …
Carrie, my husband and I have gone around and around. I’m committed to free school (because I like the convenient socialization, and frankly don’t want to have to shuttle my kid all over for homeschool meetings) but he’s terrified of it. One of his arguments is that he and I both did really well in school, and since our child is our biological child, he’s likely to do the same. But to me, that’s the same argument as, “Well, our mothers smoked and drank through their pregnancies with us, and we turned out fine.” Humans can withstand a lot of wear and tear, both physically and spiritually. Just because kids can make it through school without (all) becoming suicidal criminals doesn’t mean it’s good for them. So I totally hear you. And I’m in the middle of starting a small co-op “playgroup” for the fall for our 2 1/2-year-olds that will be nothing but play (and snacks, of course).
Shannon, you never know what your mom will think. I thought mine (a 2nd grade teacher for years) would freak about the free school idea, but she basically said, “Yes, there’s nothing even the best teacher can do to fix the structure. I would have loved an environment like that as a child.” So maybe the thinking behind homeschooling will appeal to your mom, even if she’s afraid of the word Homeschooling. It’s all about spin, really :).
“My response is that I don’t think school is the real world. It’s abnormal to hang in an age-segregated environment led by a singular person who is in complete control of that environment.”
I’m not planning to homeschool Liam (we have a school picked out that we’re really happy with, as long as we can afford it at the time), but for me this is the biggest argument for homeschooling. In what natural environment would 30 same age kids have to sit for 6 or so hours with a single adult as company? It’s insane to think that would be good.
I’m heading over to moxie’s now to find out what free schooling is.
Not that it is our place to be role models, but that first pro and con kind of eludes me…
I send my children to public school (we have a GREAT one) and I know that they runs into small minded children from small minded parents. BUT, my son and my daughter have been taught long before they hit school the importance of respecting ALL life.
The fact that they can share this respect and show the small minded children that loving all life is actually a better and healthier way to live makes me very happy. If I shelter them from the small minded people, how will my children be able to “rub off” on those kids that might actually step outside their family views and realize that diversity and respect is really the way to go?
- Dana
Kay, I just put up free school info on my site for you. So you can go back and look at it and there will actually be something there.
Dana:
Yep. That’s exactly my concern. I am a theoretical supporter of public schools for those kinds of reasons. The question is, am I willing to trade off all the negatives for the positives?
Ciao. Mi chiamo Marco Candida. Sono Italiano. Ho deciso di scrivere in italiano. Volete venire sul mio blog italiano e scrrivere in Inglese? ciao!